Since antiquity, love has been a mystery. An indefinable emotion attached to the metaphorical heart. Interesting how an emotion so strong and powerful, with no real words to describe it and no definitive way to express it can be the axis on which the world turns. Falling in love feels like a rebirth and the physiological effects on the brain and chemical imbalance in the body exhibit just how powerful it is. When we are in love, we can do anything, be anything, accept anything, face anything and deal with anything that life brings. Yet, how can anyone expect to live life every day in a state of frenzied emotion that is love? They can’t and part of the problem with so many marriages and relationships in general is that there is a distorted expectation that things will always remain a certain way! Unfortunately, they don’t, wont and cant! As steadfast as love is in the beginning, it evolves slowly and like an onion has many juicy layers that need to be peeled away before anyone can really and truly understand the meaning of love.
Married people use the excuse of falling out of love as means for divorce all the time. “I just don’t love you anymore” seems to be the escape clause that is never included in a prenupt. Perhaps if it weren’t for the fantasy and fairy tales of being in love people would use too much discretion and find themselves alone most of the time. Then what? No marriages or meaningful relationships? When you fall in love, it is important to savor the experience and remain realistic that some day, one day – your love will fade from frenzy to comfort and compatibility. And this is okay and sometimes better.
In a marriage, couples fall in love and out of love millions of times, sometimes in just one day. When you live with someone and develop a pattern of knowing who they are on so many levels it is difficult to hold them on the pedestal forever. In fact, they just down right irritate you and regardless of how compatible you are, you will notice that there are some things that cause you to feel extreme disdain. You might be proactive and busy while your spouse lays around on Saturdays as if there is nothing to do. You may like to take walks or vacations while your spouse feels that leaving the house is a downright sin. Your spouse may have passions for things like art or motorcycles that consume their time while you think the whole thing is a bit ridiculous and wonder if they will ever grow up. In the moments when you are angry with your mate, you are falling out of love and are sometimes feeling extreme hatred that is as powerful as the frenzied love you felt in the beginning. You or they may say things they don’t mean out of frustration or use passive aggressive techniques to punish each other. However you handle it you no longer believe your mate hung the moon and it may make you wonder if maybe, the relationship is over! It’s not, so don’t worry!
Falling out of love is as much a part of love as leaves are a part of autumn. Sometimes, married people may fall out of love with each other for weeks or months at a time cursing their marital decision and wondering what in the world they were thinking. Sometimes the spout of feeling out of love are caused by frantic schedules and lack of time together or the responsibilities of family life, work and obligations to every one and every thing else other than each other. You may pass and repass your partner, wake up next to them in bed and not even recognize them or feel so much pent up resentment that you wish they weren’t there. While disappointing, it is true love that just waits and realizes that this phase too shall pass and the day will come when the love is rekindled. Another person won’t fill the void and even if a new relationship begins, after some time the passion there too would fizzle. Falling out of love happens to the best of couples and is quite simply, part of the natural evolution of our relationships! The fact that you are so angry about it or hurt by your spouse simply shows how much they mean to you and rather than focusing on the feeling of not loving your partner, you should focus on being happy regardless. All things will come full circle if given enough time.
Here’s the thing that marriage counselors wont tell you! Your life is not a constant and situations and ‘stuff’ will come up that can make you feel as though you are falling out of love. Similarly, new situations and new stuff can happen at anytime that will make you realize just how much you love your partner. Nevertheless, you can hate and love your partner all at the same time. The fact that you are compatible, comfortable and that you are able to take care of yourself and each other without expressing too many demands or expectations may be exactly what this time in your life needs to be functional. Maybe it’s better to not talk to your spouse for a while and maybe making do, getting by and not acting all hysterical and emotional because things aren’t going your way is a good way to get a marriage to last.
If your spouse walks in the door and you cringe at the sight of them, chances are you are simply experiencing one of the millions of days that you will be out of love with your spouse. Then one day, they will walk in and you will offer up a hug that may land you in the bedroom later. Aahhh, love is back! (At least for now) The love you feel in the beginning is absolutely the shortest phase of a relationship! Consider it a tunnel that drowns out the real world and see the light at the end of it and the many bridges awaiting as the real path to marriage and love that lasts. If you are patient, realistic and honest you will realize that there will come a day when you are sitting on the pier of life together looking back at your travels and realizing that things are pretty damn good! You just have to be willing to fall in and out of love a few times in order to get there.