Falling out of Love – Is it Time to Walk Away?

Since antiquity, love has been a mystery—an indefinable emotion attached to the metaphorical heart. It’s interesting how such a strong and powerful feeling, with no real words to describe it and no definitive way to express it, can be the axis on which the world turns.

Falling in love feels like a rebirth, and the physiological effects on the brain, along with the chemical imbalances in the body, illustrate just how powerful it is. When we are in love, we can do anything, be anything, accept anything, face anything, and deal with anything life brings. Yet, how can anyone expect to live each day in a frenzied state of love? They can’t. Part of the problem with many marriages and relationships in general is the distorted expectation that things will always remain a certain way. Unfortunately, they don’t, won’t, and can’t! As steadfast as love is in the beginning, it evolves slowly, and like an onion, it has many juicy layers that must be peeled away before anyone can truly understand its meaning.

The Evolution of Love

Married people often use the excuse of falling out of love as a means for divorce. “I just don’t love you anymore” seems to be the escape clause rarely included in a prenuptial agreement. Perhaps if it weren’t for the fantasy and fairy tales surrounding love, people would exercise more discretion and find themselves alone most of the time. Then what? No marriages or meaningful relationships? When you fall in love, it’s important to savor the experience while remaining realistic that someday—one day—your love will transition from frenzy to comfort and compatibility. And this is okay; sometimes, it’s even better.

In a marriage, couples fall in and out of love millions of times, sometimes in just one day. When you live with someone and develop a deep understanding of who they are on multiple levels, it becomes difficult to keep them on a pedestal forever. In fact, they may irritate you, and regardless of how compatible you are, certain things can evoke extreme disdain. You might be proactive and busy while your spouse lounges around on Saturdays as if there’s nothing to do. You may enjoy taking walks or vacations while your spouse considers leaving the house a downright sin. Your partner may have passions for things like art or motorcycles that consume their time, while you find the whole thing a bit ridiculous and wonder if they will ever grow up. In moments of anger, you may feel as if you are falling out of love and even experience a hatred as powerful as the frenzied love you once felt. You or they might say things you don’t mean out of frustration or use passive-aggressive tactics to punish one another. Regardless of how you handle it, you may no longer believe your mate hung the moon, leading you to wonder if the relationship is over. It’s not, so don’t worry!

Falling out of love is as much a part of love as leaves are a part of autumn. Sometimes, married couples may fall out of love with each other for weeks or months, questioning their marital decisions and wondering what they were thinking. These feelings can stem from frantic schedules and a lack of time together or from the responsibilities of family life, work, and obligations to everyone and everything other than each other. You might pass by your partner, wake up next to them, and not even recognize them, or feel so much pent-up resentment that you wish they weren’t there. While disappointing, it’s true love that waits, realizing that this phase, too, shall pass, and the day will come when the love is rekindled. Another person won’t fill the void, and even if a new relationship begins, the passion there, too, will eventually fizzle. Falling out of love happens to the best couples and is simply part of the natural evolution of relationships! Your anger or hurt simply reflects how much your partner means to you. Instead of focusing on the feeling of not loving your partner, try to focus on being happy regardless. All things will come full circle if given enough time.

Here’s the thing that marriage counselors won’t tell you: Your life is not constant, and situations will arise that can make you feel as though you are falling out of love. Conversely, new situations can also make you realize just how much you love your partner. Nevertheless, you can hate and love your partner all at the same time. The fact that you are compatible, comfortable, and able to take care of yourselves without too many demands or expectations may be exactly what this time in your life needs to function. Perhaps it’s better to not talk to your spouse for a while, and simply making do—getting by without acting hysterical or emotional because things aren’t going your way—might be a good strategy for a lasting marriage.

If your spouse walks in the door and you cringe at the sight of them, chances are you are simply experiencing one of the millions of days when you feel out of love. Then, one day, they will walk in, and you’ll offer a hug that may lead to a romantic moment later. Aahhh, love is back! (At least for now.) The love you feel in the beginning is the shortest phase of a relationship. Consider it a tunnel that drowns out the real world; see the light at the end and the many bridges awaiting as the real path to lasting marriage and love. If you are patient, realistic, and honest, you will find a day when you sit together on the pier of life, looking back at your journey and realizing that things are pretty good! You just have to be willing to fall in and out of love a few times to get there.