According to 2007 census data, the number of unmarried couples living together has increased by another 10%, reaching approximately 6.4 million people. Analysts expect this trend to continue, with numbers potentially rising by one million each year.
This sudden increase is largely due to couples becoming more open about their living situations and no longer viewing cohabitation as an ‘immoral act.’ Additionally, the Census Bureau has recently rephrased its questions to ask “roommates” whether they have a live-in boyfriend or girlfriend. However, with so many people cohabitating and living what appears to be a married life, does this indicate a fear of commitment?
Really, why not just get married already?
A little digging reveals that numerous agencies, both non-profit and otherwise—including the National Center for Health Statistics and the Marriage Project (a Christian-based organization opposing cohabitation)—suggest that living together before marriage is often a recipe for marital disaster. Studies from these agencies predict that around 8 out of every 10 couples who cohabit before marriage will see their relationship end in divorce before the ten-year mark. Surprisingly, many people believe that living together and ‘practicing’ married life would actually make a marriage more successful.
There are also millions of couples who have been dating for extended periods (over five years) but have yet to live together or tie the knot. For those in these relationships, the status can be frustrating. At some point, one must consider whether people are right for each other or not. If marriage is important to you but your partner resists, it makes sense to question their motives. After all, what’s the point of holding onto the dream of ‘someday’ being husband and wife if it seems clear that ‘someday’ may never arrive?
Cohabitation is often seen as ‘commitment with an escape hatch.’ While you may be committed in every sense, you won’t have to endure a painful divorce or a custody battle over the Jet Ski. For many, this perspective is rooted in a fear of commitment. They may have witnessed their parents’ difficult divorces or supported friends through bitter custody disputes. Observing the aftermath of a marriage can leave a lasting impression, leading to the belief that if you never marry, you will never face divorce. If you or your partner feels this way, it may not be a fear of commitment but rather a fear of divorce that keeps you from walking down the aisle.
Traditionally, the fear of commitment has been associated with men. However, recent Census Bureau reports indicate that single women who have never married are the fastest-growing demographic. In her book Kiss and Run, Elina Furman explores why many women today are hesitant to settle down. Modern women can lead fully supported lives without a husband, even raising children, and are less inclined to rush into marriage. Additionally, today’s couples—who are typically in their twenties to late thirties—often come from families where divorce has become more common. As societal expectations to stay in unhappy marriages have diminished, many young adults are likely to have divorced parents. Experiencing a divorce as a child can significantly shape one’s perception of marriage, creating apprehension about the idea itself. This doesn’t mean they don’t value the love and support of a partner; they may simply be reluctant to make the lifelong commitment of marriage.
Furthermore, current divorce statistics do little to assuage fears about commitment. Approximately half of all marriages end in divorce, which is not only expensive but can also disrupt many aspects of a person’s life. In contrast, living together and dating extensively is generally less complicated.
Ultimately, what matters most is how you feel. Perhaps you are the one who gets anxious and sweaty palms at the thought of becoming a husband or wife, or maybe it’s your partner. You need to decide whether the idea and formality of marriage will be a deal-breaker in your relationship. Most people don’t start dating with the expectation that marriage will be part of the plan if the relationship succeeds. Sadly, by the time many realize they are in love, it can be too late to establish what you or your partner is willing to commit to.
In love, as in all things involving two people, it can be difficult to be on the same page regarding marriage and commitment. Sometimes, it may be best to cherish the magic you have in your current situation rather than insist on deeper commitments. There’s no guarantee that having a ring on your finger and sharing a last name will bring you more happiness than you already have.
