The question of “how many kids do you want to have?” is often relative to your age. When you’re a child, you might have wanted ten—or none at all. As you grow up, you picture the perfect family with one boy and one girl, spaced a perfect 3-4 years apart. Then, you meet that special someone, get married, and suddenly, the desire to have children becomes the focus of your attention. While you may want 2, 3, or even 4 children, your spouse may not want any at all, or may agree to have just one child (for your sake) without truly desiring a large family.
According to research, people often have an ideal number of children they want based on their own experiences growing up. These childhood and family experiences are deeply personal, originating from a time before your spouse even existed in your life—so understanding each other’s desires can be difficult. What often happens is that couples who disagree about having children or how many to have believe that time will change everything. After all, once you have that beautiful baby, how could your spouse resist having another, right? WRONG!
The Pressure of Having More Children
Feeling pressured to have another baby when you don’t want to is a difficult situation. If you’re the one who doesn’t want more (or any) children, you’re likely feeling both guilty and resentful from being constantly pushed to change your mind. This is especially true if you’ve been clear about your procreation desires from the start. Many men agree to one or even two children because they know it will make their spouse happy. The idea of wanting more children is often unfathomable to them, since they’ve already compromised their initial decision.
Let’s be honest—human nature tells us that when one spouse wants another child and the other does not, it can lead to resentment and frustration, affecting nearly every aspect of the relationship. This situation can easily escalate into a power struggle and, in some cases, even lead to divorce. Unfortunately, it may also result in having more children, which could be resented by the spouse who didn’t want them in the first place.
Today, many men who feel pressured to have more children (when they don’t want any more) are scheduling vasectomies, sometimes against their spouse’s wishes. Even younger men, under 30, are exploring permanent birth control options because they feel threatened by women who might “trick” or deceive them to fulfill their own desires for more children. Many urologists are hesitant to perform a vasectomy on men under 30 or on those who have no biological children. But consider this: men can have children as soon as they reach puberty, and yet, at 29, they’re deemed irresponsible to make a decision about infertility? Even if they already have children? Doesn’t this decision deserve thoughtful consideration?
One of the reasons doctors are reluctant to perform vasectomies for men is because some men end up being pressured to have children later in life, and then seek reversals. However, of the over 600,000 vasectomies performed in the U.S. each year, only 6% of men return for a reversal. The vasectomy eliminates the possibility of being “tricked” into having more children, prevents the “oops” pregnancy, and reduces the stress men feel when pressured to have more.
Unfortunately, the question of how many children to have can sometimes become a deal-breaker in relationships. If you’re in this situation, it’s important to reflect on the beginning of your relationship. Was your spouse honest and upfront with you about their desires for children? Do you already have children together? Is the new desire for children being driven by a disconnect in the relationship or by a fear of entering a new life stage?
Children are undeniably worth the effort. Growing the family tree and experiencing the love of a child is incredibly special. But they are also expensive, can strain marriages, cause stress, and are a lifelong commitment. In the end, it is disrespectful and selfish to impose your ideals on someone else and pressure them into having more children when they don’t want to.
In other words, sometimes it’s best to agree to disagree and move on. If you want children but your partner is adamantly against it, you should consider moving forward in life and finding a partner whose desires align more closely with your own. The decision to have children is permanent and should not be taken lightly. It should be a joint decision made by both partners. Rather than seeing the decision not to have more children as a personal attack or a sign of relationship failure, view it as an opportunity for open and honest dialogue. Having children for the wrong reasons or under pressure is never the best foundation for a child’s life.
