In every survey across the nation, one of the top five arguments between couples is financially motivated. Fighting about the bills is a common practice, and it’s also one of the most unpleasant arguments out there. This type of argument often implies that someone isn’t doing enough, isn’t earning enough, or isn’t able to stick to a budget. Almost every couple resorts to this argument at least once every three years, if not more frequently. Couples who are financially stressed often have this argument regularly—sometimes as often as three or four times a week.
While money is a vital necessity, the stress it imposes on a relationship should not hamper the overall quality of the relationship. Without money, things are naturally going to be more intense. How you and your partner choose to deal with the additional stress will either help improve the situation or cause it to deteriorate. Arguing once or twice can help resolve issues, but arguing repeatedly with no conclusion only adds stress to an already tense situation.
Understanding Emotions Around Money
Money almost inevitably leads to emotional responses. A study once showed that people have one of three emotions when faced with financial transactions. This can be illustrated simply by watching someone spend a small amount of cash at the store. If I walk up to the counter and toss my money on the counter before the sale is rung up, I am saying, “Take it. Just take my money because I don’t want it.” If I wait until the very last possible second—after I’ve been told the total and the clerk is holding out their hand—I’m saying, “It’s my money, and I don’t want to part with it, even when I need to.” Of course, the in-between stage, where I gently and confidently hand over the money directly into the clerk’s hand after the sale has rung up, signals, “I am comfortable enough with money to know it’s okay to part with it because I will see more.”
Understanding both your emotions and your partner’s emotions regarding money and bills will make it easier to come to a reasonable conclusion when the inevitable argument about bills arises. Because money is such an emotional topic, it can interfere with the more logical aspects of bill paying. People who grew up desperately poor may hoard money like a starving artist or spend every penny they have. Those who grew up with more than the average standard may want to maintain that lifestyle or have realized that money didn’t solve their family’s problems. Your emotions and your partner’s emotions may clash heavily when it comes to managing your bills.
Typically, once you both understand why you react the way you do to money, bill-related problems become easier to work through logically, and most couples can find reasonable solutions.
If you both work, there’s little likelihood that one partner can bring in extra income without taking on a second job. In this case, both partners should have a say in how money is spent. Assuming that no one in the household has a habit draining the bank account, both individuals are equally responsible and accountable. Not everyone agrees with this statement, but comparing incomes and allowing decision-making power to shift based on who earns more can generally lead to trouble.
If Johnny makes $15,000 more annually than Linda, Johnny may feel entitled to decide how and when the majority of the money is spent. Not only does this often lead to resentment, but it can also be the obstacle preventing you from reaching a more comfortable place with bill paying. Perhaps Linda has a better sense of budgeting or more self-control when it comes to impulse buying. Maybe Linda was taught how to keep and maintain a budget while Johnny was always taught to spend some, save some, and invest some, trusting it will work out in the end.
There are always places to cut down on bills. It can be frustrating to feel as though one or both partners must deny themselves something in order to get the bills to a more manageable figure. However, compromise is often the key to shrinking bills without sacrificing everything. Hobbies often contribute to high bills that might seem unnecessary to one or both partners. If possible, agree to cut down on hobby expenses before disengaging altogether. It’s unfair and can build resentment if one partner has to give up their hobby while the other is allowed to keep theirs.
When you and your partner find yourselves fighting about the bills, try to keep the focus on the actual problem, whether it’s overspending or forgetting to keep the heat turned down enough, rather than making personal attacks about how they “always” or “never” do something. Money is a topic that can bring out a lot of resentment and discomfort. Both partners are entitled to their feelings about money and bill paying, and neither partner should attack the other’s emotions. Reasonable solutions are possible. When an argument flares up, both of you need to remember that money, bills, and even a second job pale in comparison to the honest love between a committed partner.
