Why Public Disputes Damage Relationships: Resolving Conflicts Privately

A couple arguing

You’re in the grocery store line, and the couple ahead of you is fighting. It’s not loud yet, but you can tell from their body language and tone that it’s about to escalate. What do you do? It’s uncomfortable listening to others argue, and it’s embarrassing for everyone involved. But the line is long, and you need to get home to relieve the babysitter.

Instead of avoiding the situation or hiding your embarrassment, try using it as a learning opportunity to improve your own relationship.

Couples that fight in public lose their right to privacy. They air their “dirty laundry” in front of others, often choosing a public setting to limit how much the fight can escalate. We’ve all heard of people breaking up in a public place to avoid a “scene.” Public fighting is treated similarly—if the couple minded being overheard, they’d continue the discussion in private.

How to Apply This to Your Own Relationship

Public fighting indicates a lack of self-respect, respect for the partner, and value placed on the relationship. For example, consider where you typically see public fights: in big cities, where anonymity is guaranteed, as opposed to small towns where everyone knows everyone’s business. The city couple knows no one will recognize them, and the unspoken rule is to “mind your own business.” In contrast, small-town couples avoid public conflict to steer clear of gossip. Aretha Franklin had it right:
‘R-E-S-P-E-C-T!’

Public fighting is often a form of manipulation. Women may gain the upper hand in an argument because the man cannot stand up for himself without appearing abusive. In society, women are often seen as the victim in public disputes, while men are labeled as aggressive. This dynamic typically occurs because women know they can argue without the fear of repercussions.

At Some Point, You Will Disagree

Fighting is a normal part of any relationship, and bottling up feelings can be damaging to both your marriage and health. Resentment builds, and when the couple does fight, all the repressed emotions surface at once. In the worst cases, unresolved issues cause the relationship to deteriorate slowly.

A study by the University of Michigan found that couples who express their emotions live longer. In the study, 192 couples were grouped into those who expressed their feelings, those who repressed them, and those where both partners suppressed their emotions. Of the 26 couples who bottled up their feelings, 13 died, while only 41 deaths occurred among the other 166 couples. While it’s important to express your emotions, discussing them in a private, respectful environment is essential.

Fighting in public often involves unhealthy tactics like name-calling or involving third parties (“All our friends think…”). It’s a sign of a troubled relationship.

Instead of airing your grievances publicly, take a “time-out” and address the issue at home. A break gives you both the chance to calm down and reflect on the real issue at hand. If the relationship is worth saving, you can resolve it without escalating the fight. Try putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and seeing things from both sides. The most common sources of conflict—money and child-rearing—can often be resolved through compromise and planning. Work together to find solutions that address both of your needs.

So, next time you’re in the grocery store line, observe the couple in front of you. Are they tearing each other down or being disrespectful? Could they resolve the issue without name-calling? Do you want your relationship to look like that? If not, take steps to ensure it never does, and apply what you’ve learned by observing them to your own relationship.

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One Response

  1. I appreciate your thoughts. I really liked what has been conveyed here. But the problem is, maximum people in India are uncivilized, and are not ready to give a thought to it, and don’t give themselves the time to calm down. On any person’s instigation, they are ready to show their physical power. I am sorry if I am going out of the context. Here I have illiterate and uncivilized women on my mind.

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