There is nothing quite as drama-filled as fighting with your daughter. Girls, especially teenagers, tend to make sure that everyone within a ten-mile radius knows when they are less than pleased. Of course, parents don’t particularly enjoy the prospect of going ten rounds with their children, but sometimes it seems inevitable. One might begin to question whether teenage girls derive some sort of satisfaction from locking horns with parental figures. After all, they are skilled and ambitious when it comes to these confrontations.
It has been noted by nearly every adolescent specialist that arguing is a sign that your little girl is growing up. A normal amount of separation anxiety can often cause what seems like teenage angst, which leads to those unpredictable personality changes many teenage girls go through. It can feel like living with a hurricane right in your own home—you never know how strong the storm will be, but you can bet it will come. Why? And how do we get through this less-than-appealing stage in life?
Understanding the Root Causes of Teenage Anger
As your daughter grows up, she finds that she needs to spend considerable energy and time conforming—or resisting conformity—to a great deal of social and family pressures. She’s constantly experiencing hormonal shifts that don’t always make sense to her. Furthermore, she wants to be taken seriously, something not easily accomplished in the world of a teenage girl. By the time girls reach ten or eleven, they realize they will be critically defined by their looks, presence, style, and the stereotypes they may fall into. This can be incredibly frustrating. One year, maybe she got into playing sports, but the following year she wants to focus on her academics. Because she played sports previously, she might discover that a simple transition from one interest to another is actually a big deal in the social structure she’s a part of.
To top it off, at home, things are changing. She might feel like she can’t grow up fast enough one minute, and then that she’s growing up too fast the next. Responsibilities, freedom, and her desire to create her own identity without parental influence all mix together in her private world, making her feel like a pressure cooker ready to explode. For parents, it’s a trying time. For your daughter, it’s a time when she might not even fully understand what’s happening to her and why. Her frustration becomes your frustration. And thus, the battle begins.
Fortunately, no matter what, you are still the parent, so you get to call the shots and maintain some semblance of control. Fighting with your teenage daughter requires two elements: she has to argue with you, and you have to argue back. The best approach when you feel that steam pot starting to boil over is to remove your emotional attachment to her behavior. Just like when she was two years old, throwing a tantrum on the sidewalk, the more you feed the fire, the bigger the explosion. If you want her tendency to argue to diminish, you need to stop feeding into it.
Starving the argument can be very difficult, especially with the sharp wit a teenage daughter can throw your way. They have a knack for knowing exactly what words will hurt you most, and they’ll use them without hesitation when they’re angry enough. Despite the hurt feelings, you still have to be the parent.
Start by laying down the ground rules. Hold family meetings from time to time and explain what the rules are, that they are not up for negotiation or interpretation, and what the immediate consequences will be for breaking them. As she grows more responsible, you can adjust the rules to reflect her maturity. If she’s causing chaos at home but consistently completes her homework and chores, she might deserve more freedom. However, a lack of maturity should still result in appropriate limits.
During the family meeting, focus on her weak spots. As a teenage girl, I was often angry in the mornings, and it took me a couple of hours to shake off my bad mood. My weak spot would have been learning to show kindness to others, even when I wasn’t in a good mood. Identify these weak points in your daughter and target them during the meeting. Ask yourself what triggers her arguments and what rewards or punishments she values. For example, if she goes to soccer practice (or whatever her interests are) every afternoon, you could explain that if she continues to argue over certain issues, she will miss an afternoon of practice. Putting things in clear terms helps eliminate misunderstandings and further arguments.
Holding these family meetings ensures everyone is on the same page. Having been a teenage girl myself, I understand why parents might want a third party present during discussions. It’s easy for a clever teen to manipulate a conversation by interpreting your words in her own way. Including the whole family in these meetings leaves no room for misinterpretation when she breaks the rules. Additionally, if you have other children, this is a good time to check in with their behavior as well, preventing one child from being singled out for poor behavior.
Stick to it. You have to love the way your daughter can make you feel wrapped around her little finger. Girls have an incredible ability to turn you to mush to get what they want. But when you enforce a consequence for breaking a rule, arguing and sweet-talking won’t change things. Teaching her new and alternative ways to express herself will get her further in life. The earlier you teach her this lesson, the smoother her transition into adulthood will be.
For every parent of a teenage daughter, an argument is just around the corner. By keeping your rules clear, your consequences consistent, and not emotionally engaging in her arguments, fighting with your daughter will likely happen much less frequently than before.
