Finding a Soul Mate – Where is Your Someone Special?

Happy couple laughing together

A soul mate? Your one and only? The person of your dreams that you were divinely designed to meet and love? Is finding a soul mate a realistic dream—one that people should “hold out for”—or are these just words from fairy tales?

According to the dictionary, a “soul mate” is defined as a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner. This definition broadens the spectrum, proving that a soul mate might not necessarily be someone you are married to or romantically involved with—it could also be a good and trusted friend or family member. Filling the role of being ‘ideally suited’ to another person is a difficult task for any of us, and even more so when trying to do this for someone else.

Exploring the Concept of Soul Mates

In many new-age schools of thought—those that operate under the premise that you must love yourself first—it almost seems that in order to find the qualities of a soul mate in someone else, something external from you, you would first have to find these qualities within yourself. Yet, hopeless romantics—from the ages of 10 to 100—still hold a firm vision of what a soul mate should look like or be.

In 2007, a study conducted by O Magazine, which surveyed 500 couples and was led by a team of anthropologists, helped develop the theory that certain personality combinations are more likely to be successful (long-term) in relationships. Of the 500 people anonymously surveyed, all of whom were married, 70% said they would marry their significant other again, even after an average of 16 years together. This is great news for these couples, but what about the millions of other people in the world who are single and looking—hoping to experience that metaphorical connection with a person where they instantly “know” they’ve found their soul mate?

Relationship anthropologists who have studied genetics and neuroscience believe that most people fall into four broad personality categories, each influenced by important brain chemicals and functions. The four groups are labeled as the Explorer, the Builder, the Director, and the Negotiator. The study scientifically states that certain personality types from this list will generally mesh better with one of the other personality types. In other words, by choosing a partner from one of these groups that blends well with your personality, you are more likely to find your soul mate, so to speak, and live “happily ever after.”

What personality type are you? And what personality type should you be looking for? Here are some tips on finding a soul mate from the anthropological study.

The Explorer is defined as a highly curious, creative, energetic, and spontaneous person in love and in life. These people tend to maintain their lives through high amounts of dopamine and often long for a “playmate”—someone to have fun with who doesn’t take life too seriously. Most often, these people have happy relationships with other Explorers because they are fun-loving and spontaneous. Explorers tend to find dullness, routines, regulations, or rules to be deal-breakers in relationships and become bored when they feel that relationship regimens or expectations are too strict.

The Builder is described as a calm, social, popular person who is good at networking and highly involved in family and community. Most Builders are cautious, loyal, and detail-oriented. The brain chemical that runs their life is serotonin, and they seek consistency and detail in their lives. What they most often look for in a soul mate is someone who will help them achieve their goals and who is loyal and dependable. Builders bond well with other Builders (as long as control issues aren’t a factor) and can tolerate Explorers as long as the Explorer uses common sense.

The third type of relationship personality is the Director. As you would expect, the Director likes to be in charge and is normally straightforward, decisive, and tough. They do not live in a world of grey areas—things are black and white. One of the most famous Director types is Donald Trump. Directors do not bond well with other Directors because, for obvious reasons, two people cannot drive the same car. In fact, they mesh best with Negotiators, who are soft-spoken and easy to compromise with. The Director is always looking for a mental match, a mental challenge—and judges compatibility based on mental compatibility. If they feel for a second that they are smarter than someone else, they will get bored and can become offensive very quickly.

Last but not least are the Negotiators. Negotiators are intuitive, empathetic, and emotionally expressive. They are great communicators and, as expected, their brain runs on estrogen. These are the dreamers of the personality spectrum. Their best match, believe it or not, is with Directors, as these polar opposites tend to mellow each other out.

Scientists published a report in Science Daily in 2009, which also stated that genetics and neuroscience play a role in the validity of love at first sight. According to the study, which involved fruit flies, male and female insects go through a period of sizing up possible partners before mating. This is similar to how humans feel an instant attraction to some people and not to others. The chemistry involved in attraction is most often based on physiology—a process neither humans nor insects can control. Perhaps it is our intuition that leads us to our soul mate—and our brains that talk us out of it over time.

In the end, if you feel you have found your soul mate, be happy and grateful that you have. Most people in this world are on a seemingly endless journey to find that one special someone who makes all of their “love” dreams come true. If you haven’t found a soul mate yet, perhaps you need to realize that in order to make someone else happy, you must first make yourself happy. Pipe dream or not, finding compatibility and love is one of the most unique and fulfilling experiences known to humanity.

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