Every marriage, at one point or another, is going to face turmoil. A situation, a turn of events, spoken words, or actions can completely and entirely knock one spouse off their feet, leading to despair, anger, frustration, and pain. The event can be as monumental as infidelity or as minute as a little white lie revealed. To get through it, to move on and beyond, forgiveness is necessary. The beauty of forgiveness is that it is a selfish act of eliminating ugliness from our own heart. The freedom is not felt by the person we are upset with but by ourselves.
Letting go of hurts or wrongs is never easy. In fact, it is probably one of the most difficult feats for human nature. In a marriage, after so many years, the little hurts add up to a big black ball of resentment that, left untended, can explode, wrecking a marriage and destroying the inner worth of a person. With so much at stake, it leaves you wondering what we are holding onto by not allowing ourselves to forgive.
The Power of Forgiveness in Marriage
Holding a wrong above someone’s head endlessly does not place us in a position of power or justification, as it may seem or feel. It is not vindication to always have the ability to bring up a touchy or old subject to quickly and efficiently quiet our spouse. Sure, it may feel good at first, especially when the pain is new, but in the end, it hurts us the most. It weakens us and cuts off our relationship from growth. To the man or woman who can’t let go of their spouse’s infidelity, yet decided to remain married, they are simply locking themselves and their relationship in a prison of doubt, fear, and anger. No spouse can move beyond it, and as they try, the situation rears its ugly face time and time again. If you can’t forgive at some point, then the best thing to do for yourself is to divorce—not in spite of, but despite… No marriage can work well on an unlevel playing field.
Forgiveness is not excusing someone for hurting you. Forgiveness is not choosing to ignore a mistake that someone made or deciding to reconcile an offense that pained us. Forgiveness is not giving up or accepting someone’s behavior toward us when it was clearly wrong or immoral. Forgiveness is not a gift or pardon that we give a spouse, alleviating the need for an apology. Forgiveness in love is also not about finding a suitable penance that will cause guilt on the part of the wrongdoer. Forgiveness is the ability to see ourselves as more than victims and realize that the pain caused to or toward us has little to do with our inner being, but rather that of the person causing the harm. Forgiveness is taking control of our emotions and deciding that we are the only ones who can heal ourselves. Nothing that person can do to make us feel better really will.
We forgive in marriage because we can, and because as two separate people, the fate of our well-being is our responsibility. We forgive our spouses because we love in a way that doesn’t excuse negative behavior but dismisses it as their problem to work on. Rarely, if ever, can one person change another or make them realize something they don’t want to see. Attempting to live a married life where one spouse is held above the other results in an unhealthy marriage, rooted in fear, inconsistency, and stagnation. Trusting our feelings again with someone who has hurt us can be hard, but it is the only way to live a fulfilled life. This has absolutely nothing to do with our partner and everything to do with ourselves.
There is also a hypocrisy that exists when we refuse to forgive. We stake a claim in life as a victim and spend much time and energy psychologically preparing our revenge. When we are married, this can be executed daily. Although we probably feel very good about ourselves at the exact moment, what we are really doing is turning into a systematic victimizer ourselves. The old expression “When you lie down with dogs, you’re apt to get fleas” applies fully. This type of vengeance locks a marriage in one spot and enables it to be defined by one moment rather than the lifetime of moments that caused us to fall and be in love in the first place.
So, the question then becomes: how in the world do we forgive someone for hurting us, especially someone who took a vow to love and respect us? The first thing we do is go through the emotions of our pain, allow anger to turn to tears, and wait for the tears to dry. When the tears are dry, we communicate our needs, desires, wants, and feelings to the person who hurt us. We can scream, stomp, yell—whatever it is that we need to do to convey our position. Then, we digest their response and make the decision on whether or not it is true. Once that is complete, we seek whatever help we need from friends, counselors, family, religion, or the like to repair the part of us that was hurt. This way, we do more than place a band-aid and leave a scar. When the wounds are dry, the pain will heal from the inside out, and eventually, if we allow it, the wounds will fade into one of the memories that make us who we are. We then take baby steps forward and realize that by letting it (whatever it is) go, we are truly releasing ourselves from our own chains. The marriage will grow, and the person who forgives will be stronger than they ever imagined. Forgiveness is never about the other person; it is always about ourselves.
Marriage is intended to bring two people together; however, there is no way to make two people into one. As we each bring so much to the table, some of which is obvious from the beginning and some of which seems to appear over time, forgiveness can become a daily event. By forgiving someone else, we are accepting our right to be happy! By forgiving our partner in life, we are standing true to the commitment of marriage and allowing ourselves to be the creator of our own well-being. There is an old saying that reads “The best revenge is a life well lived,” and it holds vibrantly true when it comes to forgiveness. When we learn to forgive our mate and continue our lives completely immersed in happiness, regardless of what they do, say, or did, we are making a statement about our self-worth, self-respect, and the level of commitment we have towards our marriage. Choosing, wanting, and deciding to forgive is freedom.
