Guiding Boys on Appropriate Behavior
The old saying, “boys will be boys,” often rings true, especially when young boys touch themselves at the most inopportune moments. Whether on the couch, in the middle of a mall, or at school, boys may reach into their pants to “play” with their private parts if the urge strikes. While this habit is strange, mostly harmless, and often more uncomfortable for parents than behaviors like nose-picking or public burping, it can be challenging to address. Screaming, “Get your hands out of your pants!” may not only embarrass you and your son but could also have negative long-term effects. So, how can parents teach their sons discretion without causing shame?
Young boys, as early as six months old, may become aware of their genitalia. There’s nothing wrong with a baby or toddler touching their penis out of curiosity, similar to exploring their toes. The discomfort lies with parents, who may misinterpret this as masturbation. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children as young as 18 months may touch their genitalia because it feels good. However, this “feeling good” is not sexual satisfaction. Your child doesn’t associate this behavior with a sex act, so avoid overreacting or scolding, as this could create shame around their body.
Teaching Modesty Without Shame
While it’s normal for young children to explore their bodies, teaching modesty from an early age is essential. Just as you teach your child that only parents or doctors should touch their private areas, explain that touching themselves in public is inappropriate. Use simple language to convey that it’s okay to touch their penis in private, but not in front of others, as it’s a private matter. By ages five or six, most children begin to understand modesty. However, parents who discourage all body exploration or react strongly when sexual organs are involved risk creating confusion or shame.
Shaming a child for self-exploration may make them less open about their sexuality later in life. They might hide the behavior, leading to feelings of guilt or inadequacy. Worse, they may hesitate to report inappropriate touch by others outside the home, fearing parental anger. Instead, speak calmly. If your son is touching himself while watching TV, gently say, “That’s something to do in private, not in the family room.” Avoid raising your voice or showing distress, as children can pick up on your discomfort through tone or expression. Remind yourself that this behavior is normal, as many young children of all genders explore their private parts.
As children reach preschool age, incorporate discussions about manners and etiquette, including the importance of not touching private parts in public. Explain that, like picking their nose or passing gas, this behavior is unacceptable in social settings. Believe it or not, some boys reach kindergarten or first grade unaware that touching their private parts publicly is inappropriate.
If you notice new or unusual behaviors involving your son’s private parts, ask questions calmly. Avoid an interrogative approach, but gently inquire why he’s engaging in specific actions. A calm demeanor encourages openness, which is critical, as changes in behavior could indicate exposure to inappropriate influences. Some parents discover their child has been victimized by a predator through new or unusual play patterns.
With patience and consistency, your child will likely become less comfortable touching their private parts in public. Even with your best efforts, remember that boys will be boys. Some grown men could still benefit from learning this essential etiquette. Stay calm, be consistent, and guide your son toward understanding privacy with kindness.
