The honeymoon phase: so cliché, yet if you’ve been through it—or even seen others go through it—you know exactly what it’s about and what tends to happen afterward. For some, the honeymoon phase lasts for months; for others, it can last a couple of years. It depends on various factors, but most of us eventually reach a point where things no longer feel quite the same. We no longer have as much fun, we don’t spend as much time together, and we may even start to feel unhappy, stressed, or indifferent. In short, we become disappointed—and then we start thinking about divorce.
Disappointment. One key element of disappointment is expectations. Without expectations, we wouldn’t feel disappointed. Some expectations are certainly reasonable, while others may be trivial, but each deserves careful consideration. Be cautious, though, about focusing only on your partner’s expectations. Instead, take a moment to examine your own expectations and how they might be contributing to your disappointment—and how you can work to address them.
Let me introduce you to Sasha. She’s my terrier/heeler mutt—just over 20 pounds of pure energy. Sasha is a needy dog, and over time, she’s taught me a lot about expectations. There was a time when I was going through a rough patch with my wife. I felt frustrated and hurt, sitting on the couch with my head in my hands. Sasha came up to me, begging for attention—as she always does. I thought to myself, “The nerve of her! I’m the one who needs some affection!” But despite my frustration, I reached out to pat her head and stroke her back anyway.
Here’s the thing: In practical terms, the return on investment I get from my dog is less than zero. I feed her, wash her, comb her, pet her, and clean up after her. I do everything for her, but she doesn’t really do anything for me. But pet ownership isn’t about being practical. We invest time and energy in our pets because of the moments when they make us feel good—when they make us laugh, when they seem to understand exactly what we’re saying, and when they empathize by licking away the salt of our tears. These moments are worth all the trouble we go through for them.
Now, many of us are familiar with Abraham Maslow and his Hierarchy of Needs. Let’s consider that for a moment. Maslow categorizes five essential needs: physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. These needs are often depicted as a pyramid, with self-actualization at the top. This pyramid suggests that self-actualization is the ultimate goal—the pinnacle of personal achievement.
The other needs—physiological, safety, love/belonging, and esteem—become expectations, as they are necessary to achieve self-actualization. Most of us can easily fulfill the first two needs—physiological and safety—on our own. But the next two—love/belonging and esteem—depend on others. We cannot experience love or belonging without a community, and we cannot give or receive esteem without others around us. These needs are inherently social.
Moving Beyond the Honeymoon Phase
Let’s bring this back to our relationships. When we commit to a partner with the words, “I choose you, and only you, to be my partner for the rest of my life,” we essentially designate that person as the primary provider of our community needs. The fact that they agreed to marry us implies they’ve accepted this responsibility, though we rarely communicate this expectation directly—beyond the vows of “to have and to hold.”
While we’re still in the honeymoon phase, we don’t notice the weight of this expectation. But once that phase fades, reality sets in. Work takes up our time, children have their own needs, and the novelty of the relationship begins to wear off. We fall into a routine, and suddenly, we realize we’re no longer meeting each other’s needs. Even worse, we often fail to recognize that we are the ones who aren’t fulfilling our partner’s needs. We mistakenly place the blame entirely on our partner, when in fact, the failure often lies in our inability to communicate clearly.
The real problem, however, is not that our partner is failing us. It’s that we’ve failed to communicate our needs or expectations, and we’ve failed to prioritize their needs as well.
Marriage Requires Work
The solution is simple, but it requires effort. Too often, we believe that a “true” relationship happens naturally, that love should be effortless. This expectation, however, is the only unreasonable one. We cannot expect our partner to know what we need if we haven’t communicated it. It’s unrealistic to expect them to put forth the effort to meet our needs if we’re not doing the same for them. Letting go of unspoken expectations will not only make things easier, but it will also relieve a heavy burden from both of your shoulders.
Once you’ve worked through those expectations, it’s time to put in the effort. The greatest gift you can give your marriage is time. We often feel like there’s never enough time, but consider starting with just 30 minutes a day to sit down and talk—without distractions. In his book The Friendship Factor, Alan Loy McGinnis refers to this as the “coffee-cup concept.” It’s a simple yet powerful idea that allows couples to reconnect, just like when they were dating. This time together lets both partners communicate their needs and make plans to meet those needs.
Use this time to also plan for other moments of stress-free time together, such as a weekend getaway or a day at the spa. Whatever it is, take some time to reawaken the connection you had during the honeymoon phase. There are resources to help guide you along the way—use them. If you commit to doing the work, you can meet each other’s needs and move forward happily, beyond the honeymoon phase.
