Being a grandparent is wonderful, but it does take some getting used to. For first-timers, the initial thought is often, “I’m not old enough to be a grandparent.” Children really do grow up fast. Unfortunately, by the time you realize this, it’s often too late. Having children is a fantastic experience, but nothing compares to the joy you feel when your children have children of their own. It truly emphasizes the ‘Circle of Life.’ We were in awe as we watched our children become nurturing parents. However, there is also a downside—grandparenting is not always easy.
If you think back to when you were new parents, you’ll understand what I mean. There is a fine line between being helpful and being a nuisance. The key is to stay on the good side. Your first impulse when your children—whom you were convinced would never be able to walk and chew gum at the same time—have their first child is often panic. You know from experience that nothing on Earth can keep you busier or overwhelm normally intelligent adults quite like a newborn. Now, the fate of a new human being is completely in their hands, and you may feel the urge to jump in and rescue them with your experience. The truth is, however hard it may be to accept, that this is usually the wrong approach for several reasons.
First, the parents need time to bond with the newborn and adjust to their new reality. Anything you try to do to help at this point may be seen as interference. The best thing you can do is let them know you’re available whenever they need support. Remember, there’s another set of grandparents on the spouse’s side of the family doing the same thing. If you step in and try to take over, no matter how good your intentions are, you could make your children feel as if you have no confidence in them. This is not ideal. You should never alienate your children or the other grandparents. Offer to help, but don’t be offended if they decline. Many new parents prefer to adjust and find their own way.
Another point to consider is that, as much as we hate to admit it, the world is different now than it was when we were new parents. A lot has changed in the past 30 years. When we were expecting, they couldn’t even tell you the gender of your child until birth, and office pools were common. Today, ultrasound imaging has removed much of the guesswork from the experience of having a child. Advances in medicine and child-rearing practices have transformed the accepted ways of doing things. Your children likely do not want to hear how they are doing it wrong or how you did it (albeit successfully) 30 years ago. Many hospitals and other organizations offer classes on effective grandparenting in today’s world, and these are definitely worth your time.
Here’s a situation that will inevitably arise: You are babysitting, and the child or children refuse to behave. How do you discipline them without upsetting your children? One way to avoid this is to establish the rules with your children ahead of time and learn how they want their children to be corrected. If it becomes a problem, consider offering to pay for a professional babysitter occasionally so they can enjoy a night out. Accepted practices for correcting children have changed significantly in recent decades.
While babies haven’t changed in 30 years, what we know about them has. As I mentioned earlier, it’s a new world filled with mandatory car seats, umbilical cord blood banking, the introduction of solid foods at six months, breast pumps, and breastfeeding, among other technological and social advances. We may not agree with all of them, but that’s the reality. Much has changed in birthing, feeding, and sleeping practices, so it’s essential to catch up on current trends.
The best thing you can do for your children and grandchildren is to practice Positive Grandparenting. This means being supportive, a good listener, and open to learning new things. Your experience is still very valuable; you just need to learn when and how to share it.
Here are a few more tips that may be helpful:
- Don’t give advice until you’re asked, and when you do, be diplomatic.
- Offer to babysit if you want, but you are not obligated. You can also offer to grocery shop, cook, clean, do laundry, or pay for a babysitter instead.
- Avoid arguing about how things are done now versus how you did them.
- Hold the baby and change diapers the way the parents prefer, even if you successfully did it differently a few decades ago.
- Use positive language when correcting your grandchildren. Instead of saying, “You can’t play video games until you finish your homework,” say, “You can play video games after you finish your homework.” Your choice of words greatly affects the feelings associated with the event.
- Make every effort to get along with the other grandparents; your children and grandchildren do not need any additional stress.
- Do your best not to spoil the children, or the parents may be reluctant to bring them over.
As you can see, grandparenting is not always easy, but with a bit of extra care and time, you can avoid many pitfalls. Being a grandparent can truly be the greatest job in the world.
