The natural course of life often leads most people to the point where they begin considering—or even finding themselves having—a baby. Bringing a child into the world has a special way of completing the circle of life, forcing us to change directions so that, once and for all, we can say we are grown up. At first, the thought is mostly idealistic. You crave the infant in your arms, in your home, and think that babies are the cutest, most precious things in the world. And they are; but they do grow up!
Many couples struggle with the decision altogether. They may wonder if having a baby will change life as they know it, and whether it’s a choice they might later regret. A baby will change everything—from how you feel to how you spend your time. But very few end up regretting the child. The single largest step any person can take begins with the conception of a child. As mothers and fathers are born instantly, the entire purpose of life shifts, becoming more valuable. Many of the things you once gave little thought to suddenly become major life issues.
The Reality of Parenting
Suddenly, you may realize that you and your spouse are not as compatible as you thought. Disagreements about how to discipline, what your baby should eat, and even simple things like bedtimes or babysitters will quickly surface. While it’s one thing to know and love someone as your partner, it’s entirely different to deal with them when they become a parent. Unfortunately, many people are filled with ideas and dreams about having a baby, and how they think things should work out when the time comes. Then they realize that most of these preconceived notions are either inapplicable or hard to live up to when faced with the reality of a child.
A child has a deep way of changing things in your life. You may have spent years trying to run away from your own childhood, only to find yourself clinging to it when your own child comes into the picture. You may have spent years planning a professional future, striving to reach the top, only to realize that your career is no longer as important once you wrap your arms around your newborn. You may have laughed at couples who posted baby pictures on the fridge or blogged about their children, only to find that you can’t get enough of displaying your own pride for your child.
On the flip side, you may have already decided that nieces and nephews are as close to having a baby of your own as you’d like to get. But be warned—around half of the population may think about having a baby from time to time, adamantly deciding they don’t want children, only to find themselves in the predicament of wondering what in the world happened. “I’m pregnant”—those two little words make a big difference in anyone’s life and can occur to anyone who is engaged sexually with another person. If it weren’t for accidental pregnancies, many people would remain childless by choice. Even so, once the baby arrives and love bursts through the door like an atom bomb, even the most hesitant non-parental types turn into softies.
Unfortunately, there’s no way to describe what it’s like to have children, the abundance that comes with it, or the changes that will follow. No one can explain how hard it is to live for someone else 24/7 or predict how they will feel when they have a baby of their own. What used to be simple complexities now become difficult decisions, and suddenly there are no clear-cut yes or no answers. It’s simply something you have to live through and experience to understand.
For couples considering having a baby, most married-with-children types would offer just a few words of advice. The first is to talk realistically about what, who, how, where, when, and why issues will come up when the child is born. Don’t assume anything about your partner, and don’t assume you both feel the same way about issues like religion, education, child-rearing, money, or daycare. Have these discussions beforehand. Second, realize that the conscious decision to have a baby involves lots of people outside of you. If the in-law relationships are strained, if you don’t live near family members, or if you’re not thrilled about your marital choice, all of this will become huge issues when a baby is in the picture. And, it will be 100 times harder to make changes once you’re a family. When you have a baby with someone else, you’re binding yourself to lots of other people and situations.
Preparing for Parenthood
Third, make sure you and your partner have spent enough time together. Live together as a couple, get your life plan started before bringing someone else on board, come up with goals, and make plans for the future to ensure you agree on things. Save some money, fix up the house, pay off the car, and go on dates. Sleep in on Saturdays, enjoy breakfast in bed, and go out and have fun. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you should rush into having children because of societal pressure. Once you have a baby, the relationship will be forever altered, and you won’t have the time or energy to love your spouse the way you should.
Having a baby is a delicate mixture of a personal choice and fate. It’s something to ruminate on, daydream about, and think about—but it should never be something anyone feels like they have to do. Dreams and reality rarely match, and although your child will add more to your life than you could have ever expected, it won’t matter if you do it now or in three years—the love will be the same.
