The title suggests that this will simply be another article bashing men and all their inconsistencies and faults. Poor women, right? Honestly though, are men really to blame for it all? Keep reading.
In all relationships, there are undeniable problems. For some couples these problems could be potential deal breakers, which threaten the security of the relationship itself. In other couples, the problems seem to lie dormant under the surface and accumulate as the years go rolling by. And while it is easy to point the finger at men for ruining the relationship if they do something wrong, women too play a part. The question is, when is enough, enough?
Relationships between adults are not supposed to contain the drama of those in high school, or the aspect of one person being superior to the other. This isn’t a parent child relationship. And while most men and women alike will not put up with one iota of crap from a work mate or friend, they continue to put up with heaps of dung from their spouse. Why?
One reason is simple. Along with every relationship comes a pretty large amount of optimism and expectations. You don’t get married or move in with someone because you want to suffer or because you want to spend years trying to change the other person. Instead, you hook up because you really believe that this person loves you, and because you love them back. Then, life settles in like pollen in spring and you begin to realize patterns and idiosyncrasies in your mate after a while. How you handle these could potentially be the tell tale indicator of whether or not things will last. here’s why.
If you are married to a liar or a cheater, and you know that how many times will you allow them to apologize? If you are married to an alcoholic, and despite their hints that they want to go to AA meetings, how far do you overlook the trouble it causes you? For many women in particular, the answer is too far. Men will simply tell you what you want to hear, and you believe it. Not because you are stupid or naive, but more, because you want it to be true! You want their words to mean something so badly, that you become an optimist.
And men aren’t stupid either. When they make a mistake and they see that they have caused you an extensive amount of pain or upset, they too kick in to ‘think mode’ and try to find the words or actions that they know will soften the blow and get you to stop being angry at them. It doesn’t matter if the wrong was something as major as an affair, or as minor as lying about hanging out with the guys after work. If they get caught, they have a script already made up in their head that includes all of the perfectly phrased apologies and anecdotes of love that will make you feel less angry. This is the script that you, have taught them. The one that gets them back into your good graces, and makes you feel, at least temporarily, as if everything is going to be perfectly fine. In many ways, you have taught him to tell you exactly what you want to hear!
If you are married to a drunk, and you have had enough with the drinking chances are he will feed you what you want to hear so you forgive him. The question that you have to ask yourself is, does he mean it? For real this time?
Sadly, time will tell, and most of the time what you will find out is that he will do just enough to get by for the time being, and then completely revert to his old ways of being and thinking. And why not? Man or woman, if there is no consequence in life there is rarely any reason to change. Plus, as couples men and women begin to know the other so well that they know exactly what they can get away with, what they need to do to make things right in the moment and exactly when they can go back to their old antics safely.
It is important when you are in a relationship, whether you are a man or a woman, to be extremely clear on what the final straw will be for you. Far too often, people’s actions speaks much louder than the words that they say, no matter how well intended those words were at the moment. In your relationship, when will you decide that sorry is not enough, and that you have circled through the motions enough times to realize things aren’t going to change until YOU DO?
Human nature tells us that every person will make the same mistake over and over again, until they realize in some form or fashion that it is no longer working. For a relationship, this often means that the consequence has to come from you. When you start to demand more than some well screened words and apologies and actually stand up for what you believe is right, and remain empowered to LEAVE should you need to, you can change your entire life. And maybe even your spouse. You just have to have the strength to follow through and remain attached to your personal convictions and deaf to the routine rollover sorry script that has been able to fool you into believing time and time again.
Decide what your deal breakers are! Then, look for the patterns of behaviors and words that ensure your relationship problems and decide for yourself whether your spouse really means what HE OR SHE says. If they don’t, start making plans and allow them to feel full force the consequences of not treating you with dignity and respect. Not only do you owe it to yourself, but also in the end it may actually make a lasting impression and change in the way your spouse behaves. And if it doesn’t, well then leaving just saved you a whole lot of heartbreak.
