He Will Tell You What You Want to Hear

The title suggests that this will simply be another article bashing men and their inconsistencies and faults. Poor women, right? Honestly though, are men really to blame for it all? Keep reading.

In all relationships, there are undeniable problems. For some couples, these issues could be potential deal-breakers that threaten the security of the relationship. For others, the problems may lie dormant beneath the surface, accumulating as the years go by. While it is easy to point fingers at men for ruining the relationship when they do something wrong, women also play a part. The question is: when is enough, enough?

Relationships between adults are not supposed to contain the drama of high school or involve one person being superior to the other. This isn’t a parent-child relationship. While most men and women won’t tolerate disrespect from a coworker or friend, they often endure far more from their spouse. Why?

One reason is simple: every relationship comes with a significant amount of optimism and expectations. People don’t get married or move in together because they want to suffer or spend years trying to change the other person. Instead, they commit because they genuinely believe that this person loves them, and because they love them back. Then life settles in like pollen in spring, and you begin to notice patterns and idiosyncrasies in your partner over time. How you handle these issues could be the telltale indicator of whether or not your relationship will last. Here’s why.

If you are married to a liar or a cheater, how many times will you allow them to apologize? If you are married to an alcoholic, and despite their hints that they want to attend AA meetings, how far will you overlook the trouble it causes you? For many women, the answer is “too far.” Men often tell you what you want to hear, and you believe it—not because you are foolish or naive, but because you desperately want it to be true. You want their words to mean something so badly that you become an optimist.

And men aren’t oblivious either. When they make a mistake and see that they have caused you pain or upset, they switch to ‘think mode’ and try to find the right words or actions to soften the blow and make you stop being angry. It doesn’t matter if the offense was as major as an affair or as minor as lying about hanging out with the guys after work. If they get caught, they have a script already prepared in their minds that includes perfectly phrased apologies and declarations of love to calm you down. This is the script you have taught them—the one that gets them back into your good graces and makes you feel, at least temporarily, that everything is going to be fine. In many ways, you have conditioned him to tell you exactly what you want to hear!

If you are married to a drunk and have had enough of the drinking, chances are he will say what you want to hear so that you’ll forgive him. The question you must ask yourself is: does he mean it? For real this time?

Sadly, time will tell, and often what you will find is that he will do just enough to get by temporarily, only to revert to his old ways of being and thinking. And why wouldn’t he? Whether man or woman, if there are no consequences, there is rarely any reason to change. Plus, as couples grow closer, they often learn exactly what they can get away with, what they need to do to appease their partner in the moment, and when they can safely return to their old behaviors.

It’s essential, whether you are a man or a woman, to be extremely clear about what your breaking point will be. Far too often, actions speak louder than words, regardless of how well-intentioned those words may be. In your relationship, when will you decide that “sorry” is not enough, and that you have gone through the motions enough times to realize things won’t change until YOU do?

Human nature tells us that people often repeat the same mistakes until they realize that it is no longer working. In relationships, this often means that the consequence must come from you. When you start to demand more than well-rehearsed words and apologies, and actually stand up for what you believe is right—remaining empowered to LEAVE if necessary—you can change your entire life, and maybe even your spouse. You just need the strength to follow through and stay true to your personal convictions, ignoring the routine “I’m sorry” script that has fooled you time and time again.

Decide what your deal-breakers are! Then, look for the patterns of behavior and words that contribute to your relationship problems, and assess whether your spouse really means what HE OR SHE says. If they don’t, start making plans and let them feel the full consequences of not treating you with dignity and respect. You owe it to yourself, and in the end, it may actually leave a lasting impression that changes how your spouse behaves. And if it doesn’t, well, then leaving just saved you a whole lot of heartbreak.