Don’t you love how many people there are in this world who are not just eager—but elated—to not only give you parenting advice, but also tell you all the things you’re doing wrong when it comes to raising your kids?
You might think that the people who would be most supportive of your healthy, well-mannered children would be your own parents or grandparents. But many people find that Mom and Dad, often known as Grandma and Grandpa (from both families), tend to be the most critical adversaries when it comes to your job as a parent. Maybe it’s because they are related to you and feel free to say anything—and I mean anything—that’s on their mind about the decisions you are making as a parent. And that’s what makes them so annoying. Worse still, as a product of their parenting, you learned firsthand what to do and what not to do from the hands that rocked your cradle. You remember some of the idiotic and stupid things they did, yet now they’re offering their opinion and approval rating of how well you’re parenting?
Parenting Mistakes: A Cycle of Lessons Learned
Newsflash, Mom: YOU WERE NOT THE PERFECT PARENT! Maybe you should revisit your parenting file and grade yourself before you start tearing my parental decisions apart!
Don’t you wish you could easily and politely tell your parents just that and ask them to leave you alone and keep their well-intended parenting advice to themselves? After all, the reason you have to take a Xanax every night, spent two years in counseling, or started drinking WAS because of some of the stupid things they did to you when you were a kid.
Let’s be real. The woman who is now standing before you and telling you that you aren’t watching your child closely enough on the swings is the same woman who allowed you and your brother to walk down to the local 7-11 store by yourselves at ages 7 and 11, completely unaccompanied by an adult, to buy her cigarettes. You also remember your dad chasing you around the yard with a thorny switch, wearing out your legs as a form of punishment for bringing home a bad grade.
You might also remember your parents calling you names, cursing in front of you, spanking you religiously with a wooden spoon, and leaving you home alone so they could run out for the night. Your parents had no idea you were drinking their alcohol as a teen, nor did they ever notice that you were sneaking their cigarettes to smoke on the walk to school every day. How about all those walks to the park or to school or to a friend’s house that you took when you were little, without an adult? You were running into strangers and perverts yet never telling a soul. Remember that time you took a six-hour bike ride, got lost, and had no idea where you were? Well, your mom didn’t know where you were either. When you got home, she told you to wash your hands and face, never once asking where you had been all day. (Great job, Mom!)
While many people blame cycles of family abuse as problems that get passed down from one generation to the next, the opposite is also true. As children, we learn about the parental environment from a child’s point of view. Our parents were learning as they went too, and they made some pretty big mistakes—things you would never think of doing with your own children. You learned from your parents’ mistakes, and those mistakes have helped make you a better parent.
But why is it that so many grandparents feel so inclined to offer up advice about parenting to their children, especially when they didn’t do such a stellar job themselves?
Truth is, experts believe that in-laws and grandparents give this unwanted advice with good intentions. Just like you learned from their parenting, they learned too—and they want to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes. Still, it’s important as a parent to set limits, because the constant giving of unwanted advice can hurt relationships. At first, you can try politely telling them, “That may have worked for you (keep your snicker to yourself), but I am choosing to do it this way.” Or, you can say, “Okay, thanks for the tip,” and then happily continue on. Eventually, they should get the message that you don’t plan to follow their ‘rules’ and realize you have different values for your child. Plus, addressing the situation politely—like saying “Hey, Mom, you smoked cigarettes with me in the car and the windows rolled up—I’m not sure I want to take your advice about anything”—is much more respectful than launching into an argument.
Eventually, though, it may come down to something like that. Limits and boundaries must be set and honored between grown children and their parents. At some point, enough will be enough. Even more important, at some point, your parents have to realize that you need their support and praise—even as an adult—not just their constant criticism and guidance. And hey, look at how good YOU turned out despite the mistakes YOUR parents made. Maybe all of your mom’s mistakes really have served you well, enabling you to be the awesome parent you are today!
