Hiding bills from your spouse is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. The root of this unhealth may vary from person to person, but if there’s a reason you don’t feel comfortable being honest about the money flowing out of the household, it indicates a problem that needs to be addressed.
Naturally, couples with a shared checking account might want to hide things like how much they spent on a birthday present, but beyond those types of secrets, hiding bills means that either you have a serious spending problem, there is a significant temper issue in the household, or there is some reason you don’t feel being honest with your spouse is a good idea.
The Importance of Honesty in Relationships
The idea that hiding bills from your spouse is acceptable points to a deeper issue with honesty. This problem could stem from fear, concern, or a desire to hide something about yourself. Fear suggests you’re worried that the bills you’re hiding will make your spouse angry, potentially leading to an argument or, in the worst-case scenario, physical abuse. If this is the case, professional intervention is necessary—no questions asked. If you are that afraid of your spouse’s reaction, there is a serious problem within the household that requires immediate attention.
Concern is another common reason for hiding monetary concerns from a loved one. If your spouse has had an accident or serious illness and the bills are piling up, you might feel that your only priority should be their recovery. While this is admirable, it’s still not advisable to hide such matters. Being honest—even when your spouse is in recovery—is just as vital to their healing as medication and doctor visits. The last thing your spouse needs is to find out about financial issues through an accidental discovery or a call from a bill collector. This sends the message that they aren’t capable of handling life, making them question what else you might be hiding and why you don’t trust them with the truth. Being blindsided by significant financial problems during an illness or injury only makes recovery harder.
The most common reason for hiding bills from your spouse has less to do with them and more to do with you. If you are overspending and are at least somewhat aware that you’re driving your family budget into the sinkhole of bankruptcy, you likely know you have a problem. Whether shopping or spending money has become a form of stress relief, or you’re stockpiling items out of fear that something bad might happen, you are dealing with a very serious issue on your own.
Unfortunately, many people with this problem don’t recognize it as an addiction, partly because it hasn’t received the same attention as other addictions in society. People are familiar with addictions to food, drugs, alcohol, and sex, but other forms, like shopping, often go unnoticed. If you’re trying to hide your shopping addiction by concealing the bills associated with excessive spending, it’s time to lay both the bills and your problem on the table. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness—it’s hiding the problem that is.
It is not uncommon for one spouse to be more financially involved than the other, handling most of the banking and other financial matters. However, there must be a foundation of honesty in this arrangement. Any relationship built on dishonesty is bound to fail. Open and honest communication, coupled with trust, is essential for any healthy relationship.
When honesty falters in a relationship, the situation often escalates. The whole point of being married is to share your life—and yourself—with someone who loves you. The moment you take away honesty and begin hiding bills or any other part of your life is the moment you diminish the quality of your relationship.
If you’ve been hiding bills from your spouse, the only logical next step to break the pattern of deceit starts with you. You must find the courage to address the financial situation you’ve been creating. Together, you and your spouse will need to confront the issue. Explain yourself, share your fears, discuss your motivations, but above all, break the cycle and offer your spouse the truth. It may not be easy, but it is the most necessary step in changing this unhealthy behavior.
