Holidays with an Adopted Child

For many parents, the holidays are stressful. The heightened expectations, financial pressure, and packed schedules that most parents experience during this time of year can make it as difficult as it is wonderful. Now, consider the impact this additional stress is likely having on your adopted child, who is probably experiencing loss and grief, reliving vivid memories, or asking hard-to-answer questions. The holidays with an adopted child can be full of challenges. As a parent of an adopted child, you must learn to support both your child and yourself through this stressful time.

Managing Troubling Behaviors

This time of year is emotionally charged, and your child is likely experiencing a range of difficult emotions—guilt, anxiety, despair, anger, and loss. Old memories may surface, triggered by the smells, sounds, and tastes of the holidays. Take time to understand what your child is going through. Every adopted child experiences the holidays differently. Children who spent many years with their birth family and in foster care may have happy or sad memories of their birth families and old traditions. Internationally adopted children may feel disconnected from their cultural roots and may have many questions about their birth culture. Children from open adoptions can experience stress and conflicting feelings about both their birth and adoptive parents. Finally, children who know little or nothing about their birth parents may spend more time reflecting on the families they don’t remember.
Be observant during this time. Pay attention to mood swings, subtle expressions, and body language.

Try to understand what your child is going through by initiating discussions. Say things like, “You seem sad,” or “You seem frustrated,” and invite your child to discuss their feelings openly. Point out your observations in a non-judgmental way. This will help validate your child’s feelings. If your child is struggling with these emotions, create or purchase a blank book where they can privately record their intense feelings in a constructive way. If your child has a Life Book, take it down off the shelf and review it together. Talk about the memories, and explore the difficult thoughts that may have surfaced.

To keep both of you from feeling overwhelmed, give yourself permission to let the small things slide. Don’t try to discipline every minor misstep; focus only on the big issues. Forgive your child, and forgive yourself at the end of each day.

Maintaining and Creating Traditions

If your child is part of an open adoption and you have a positive relationship with their birth parents, it’s important to nurture this connection during the holidays. Perhaps you’ll start a gift-exchange tradition or an annual winter holiday brunch at your child’s favorite restaurant. This will help your child feel like they are part of a stable, healthy family unit. Never undermine the relationship between your child and their biological family. When a visit is scheduled, stick to it. Avoid stressful situations by keeping communication with your child’s birth parents open.
For internationally adopted children, learn about their cultural origins and incorporate these practices into your family traditions. These cultural roots are now connected to your family and should be acknowledged. Make traditional foods, celebrate special holidays, and discuss the origins of these holidays with your family. A similar approach can be beneficial for families of adopted foster children. These children may have strong memories of their previous birth or foster families. These roots should not be forgotten but celebrated when possible. Teach your adopted children that their memories of the holidays are valid.

To strengthen your bond with your child, develop new family traditions together. This will help your child feel less like an outsider in a family where traditions may have been established long before their arrival. For example, create a new holiday ornament together as a family every year. Light a candle for the joys and sorrows you and your child may be feeling this holiday season, and discuss them openly. Watch your favorite holiday movies together during a “holiday movie night,” and make popcorn balls and cookies for the occasion.

Avoiding Problems

Be mindful of how your extended family interacts with your adopted child during family gatherings. This is especially important in blended families with both biological and adopted children. No one wants to believe their extended family treats their adopted child differently, but it’s crucial to be aware of behaviors that may make your adopted child feel isolated from your biological children. If you notice any issues, address them both with your child and your extended family members. If your child acknowledges the problem, explain that not everyone responds to adoption in the same way. This may be hard for your child to hear—and even harder for you to say—but ignoring the issue won’t make it disappear. By acknowledging the problem, you show your child that you understand their feelings and are committed to facing the issue together. Talk to your extended family about these concerns, and stand up for your child’s rights.
It helps to gradually build up to the holidays. Start discussing holiday plans and traditions early to avoid unexpected problems. Make sure your holiday plans are clear so your child knows what to expect. Whenever possible, stick to your regular daily routines and avoid making last-minute changes. This is especially important if your child struggles with hyperactivity or anxiety. For children new to your family, practice the process of giving and receiving gifts. Expectations may have been different in their previous homes, and practicing will help avoid any awkward or stressful situations.

Finally, don’t chase the perfect holiday. Keep a sense of humor and be realistic. The holidays with an adopted child can be an enriching experience that strengthens your family bond, but it’s important to maintain a level head and let go of unrealistic expectations. Remind yourself every day that you and your child can find happiness, even as you navigate challenges along the way.