Humans are not particularly honest creatures. We pretend we are, but in the end, when we accumulate all the little “I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings” lies, we realize we aren’t truly honest at all. Is this a bad thing? Is being honest with your spouse 100% of the time a good idea? Aren’t there moments when we shouldn’t spill our guts, even to our spouse? Or should we pride ourselves on being completely honest all the time, no matter what? Unfortunately, honesty isn’t as clear-cut as it should be.
Do you tell your spouse that the first time you were sexually intimate was rather disappointing, especially since it has gotten so much better? What good does that do? Is it different if it’s still continuously disappointing? Then what?
Most psychologists argue that if there’s something to be gained positively, it’s worth being completely open with a spouse. However, they also caution that if nothing is to be gained on either side of the relationship, you may be treading on dangerous ground.
Honesty is indeed a cornerstone of a healthy relationship, and for many topics, it is vital to lay honesty out on the table. Being dishonest about the past, your true feelings on important matters, and your ultimate desires can lead to catastrophic consequences. Suffering through your husband’s first attempt at cooking dinner isn’t necessarily a bad lie, but it may mean you have to endure it again the next time he tries to be sweet.
So where is the magic line between knowing when to be honest—likely resulting in hurt feelings—and when to hold back and allow an assumption to be made or even tell a bold-faced lie?
Lies Are Dangerous
Once you start with little lies that make things easier and spare feelings from pain, it becomes easier to tell more lies just to keep the peace. Then, of course, there are the lies told to cover up those initial lies. Before you know it, you’ll need a little black-and-white composition book to keep track of them all. How incredibly disrespectful is all this lying to the spouse you’re trying not to hurt?
Being able to rely on a spouse—whether it’s a gentle suggestion to reconsider an outfit for work or knowing they’ll call you out when you’re wrong—is vital for any healthy relationship. It’s part of what keeps us accountable and fosters healthy growth. There’s a significant difference between having open and honest discussions that lead to growth and being a “yes” spouse. Honesty must flow in both directions, from voicing feelings about a situation to disagreeing with each other’s viewpoints. Honesty is about maintaining the integrity of each person in the relationship, which in turn preserves the integrity of the relationship itself.
Some people advocate for a 100% honest relationship. However, most people can’t handle absolute honesty all the time. The majority fall into an 85-90% honesty range, choosing to overlook a marginally edible dinner or avoid mentioning the ten extra pounds their spouse has gained, steering clear of topics that would be hurtful without resolution.
There’s no denying that honesty can be painful for both the one delivering it and the one receiving it. Yet, keeping honest thoughts and feelings bottled up to avoid conflict often leads to a blow-up during a heated moment. This results in not only the original argument but also an additional issue piled on top of already sensitive feelings—plus the fact that you previously lied about it. This can get messy. Being honest with your spouse is crucial for opening communication. Even when honesty makes people momentarily uncomfortable, it is essential for resolving conflicts, which can ultimately mean the difference between developing a strong relationship and drifting apart to the point of no return.
