As I wrangled my three wild kids at the supermarket this evening, I noticed an expectant mom and her husband peacefully meandering down the frozen foods aisle. I wondered if they noticed me and if they could see what their life might be like three or four years down the road after they’d had several kids of their own. For the most part, life for a childless married couple is vastly different from life for a married couple with kids. While they held hands and stared dreamily into each other’s eyes (or so it seemed), I was barking orders at my kids and scolding my husband for selecting the non-organic milk.
So, what is fundamentally different between these two couples? The answer lies in the addition of another person into the dynamic of the relationship. A baby changes everything, as they say. If a couple has a strong marriage before having children, chances are it will remain strong or even strengthen due to the bond between the husband and wife as they navigate parenthood together. Conversely, if a couple’s relationship is weak, they may grow more distant after having a baby, or the experience of parenting may bring them closer together. Now, I’m no expert; this is purely based on observation and speculation. There are certainly rare cases of blissfully happy folks whose marriages suffer after having children, but few like to admit that’s a possibility.
One significant change a baby brings to marriage is what I call the “hermit stage.” This may happen with each subsequent child, but it’s never as pronounced as with the first. This phenomenon is characterized by a fear of leaving the house. I had my first child in February, so I was particularly paranoid about taking her out in the cold weather. As a result, there was a steady stream of visitors, sometimes unannounced, eager to hold your cute baby. During this period, you and your husband decide which friends to keep and which to file away in your old life. Usually, you end up spending more time with other couples who have children because you understand each other’s trials and joys. An added bonus is that the kids can all play together.
However, one negative impact of a baby on marriage is the immense amount of time and energy required from parents. Caring for a demanding newborn day and night can leave little energy for one’s spouse. The resulting lack of intimacy can lead to resentment on one or both sides. Personally, I find it difficult to switch from “Mommy” to “Wife” at the drop of a hat. After being clung to by three small kids all day, I often feel so “touched-out” that I just want to curl up in the fetal position in a hot bath. The best remedy is to plan time with your husband in the morning and think about it throughout the day, making the transition from Mommy to Wife easier when you finally get to spend time together.
In addition to the lack of intimacy, it can be hard to find time for a date when a baby is in the picture, especially with your first child. Many parents are apprehensive about leaving their child with any caregiver, let alone going out for something as frivolous as a movie or dinner. However, maintaining romance and reconnecting with each other is vital for a strong marriage. A practical solution is to take the baby on a date with you. In my experience, a screaming baby in a restaurant is enough to motivate anyone to compile a list of reliable babysitters. Fortunately, we’ve always lived near one of the grandmas, and after updating them on the latest parenting guidelines (since I was sure they had forgotten how to care for a baby), I felt confident leaving my girls with them.
Having a baby can also change how you and your husband perceive your bodies. There are two types of husbands: those who appreciate your body for producing a child and those who are horrified by what your body went through. Luckily, my husband is in the former category. I myself fluctuate between pride in my motherly accomplishments and sadness at how my body now looks, all covered in battle scars. Regardless, your kids will always love the comfort and warmth your body provides when hugging or snuggling on the couch together.
Another way a baby affects marriage is by shifting your priorities as parents. Glamour is replaced with practicality. The small, fast sports car that seats four is swapped for a minivan that seats seven. Dining at a fancy restaurant at 9 PM becomes eating at a family-style burger joint at 7 PM. Dreaming about travel destinations is replaced with pondering where to invest for your child’s education. Hanging out with friends at the pub is replaced by giving your child a bath. While it may seem like a series of sacrifices, it’s all worth it. You find you don’t really miss your old life, and you can look at each other and delight in what you’ve created together.
Babies change marriage in many ways—both positively and challengingly. Kids transform a married couple into a family and provide years of pride and joy!
