When you have multiple children, you might expect that raising your second child will be easier – simply because you’ve already done this before, right? The harsh reality can hit you early in your second or third child’s life when they turn out to be the exact opposite of your first. Your oldest slept through the night, wasn’t fussy, and wasn’t a picky eater. Your youngest screams and screeches herself to sleep, barely touches vegetables, and is moody by the time they’re 6 months old. You start to wonder why you didn’t stop while you were ahead.
Why Are Kids So Different?
How can kids be so different from one another? Especially when they’re raised in the same house, with the same parents, and come from the same DNA? You would almost think that your children should be stair-stepped mirrors of one another. Plus, if they were more alike, it would certainly be easier to raise them, right?
Scientifically speaking, the lessons of genetics come too late. The truth is, between two people, there are an immense number of genetic combinations that can arise from the union of egg and sperm. You might have four kids with blonde hair and blue eyes, or two of each. You might have one kid who’s athletic and another who’s musically inclined. You cannot use your first child as a blueprint for what your next child will be like. Even though you expect at least some similarities, there’s no guarantee. (Isn’t this the Murphy’s Law of parenting?) Having kids is a bit like a crapshoot; you never quite know what you’ll get.
Even parents of twins experience the shock and horror of raising polar opposites. Just because two babies were born together doesn’t mean they will be identical. Identical twins, who share more of the same genetic pairings, will likely be more similar than fraternal twins. Still, their personalities won’t necessarily be mirrored. You can even end up with twins who seem to share no DNA at all.
Birth order also plays a role in how children develop and behave. Your first child didn’t have to share anything. They had 100% of your attention. They were never awakened by the noises of other kids, and chances are, you catered to your first child, doing everything based on their best interest. Children #2 and #3 don’t have the same life. They deal with the agitation of older siblings and come out of the womb fighting for parental attention. Why? Because they have to. Even though they live in the same house with the same people, the family dynamic is quite different. Additionally, you are likely different now than you were back then, meaning your child will be different too. You may be more relaxed (or more stressed with additional parental responsibilities). You may have learned from your previous mistakes and made changes to your parenting style, which will inevitably result in a different kind of child. The formulas for why your children are so different from one another are endless.
So, what is a parent to do? How do you handle parenting such diverse personalities under one roof? Smart parents realize that what worked with child #1 or #2 might not work with #3. And they adjust! As your kids get older, you must also adjust the ways you motivate and discipline them. Using a blueprint for parenting is definitely not the way to go. While the expectations, rules, and boundaries should remain similar, each child should be treated as an individual. Parents also need to learn not to compare their children. Saying things like, “Your sister always ate vegetables,” or “Your brother never gave me trouble in school,” only sets the stage for sibling rivalry. Chances are, there’s already enough of that.
In other words, you have no choice but to accept your child for who they are. Sure, this might mean that you have to adjust your parenting methods. It might mean you have to give away all the football equipment and invest in a trumpet. It might mean you have to set aside your expectations of how things should be. Children are living proof that you can never, ever be sure of anything. Each child comes with emotions, mindsets, thoughts, feelings, and traits that are uniquely theirs. And this is exactly what makes each of your children so special.
If you really think about it, imagine how boring it would be if all your children were the same. The balance of personalities in your home is likely a perfect melting pot of traits from you, your partner, and your extended families. While you might see your grandfather in your daughter, it might be your spouse you see in your son. Even so, each child is perfectly and uniquely different. They are themselves! And while you may wish at times that one child were more like their sibling, the reality is that things in your home would just not be the same without the individual traits and gifts each of your children brings you.
