For years, people believed that having children would greatly increase the chance of marital stability. Things have changed. According to Julia Stuart of the London Independent, children are now considered to improve the likelihood of divorce. Since the 1990s, it has been said that each child adds a 37% risk to the likelihood of divorce.
It’s shocking to consider how things have swung from one extreme to the other, but the facts are clear. Instead of focusing too much on the statistics, I’m going to explore why children change a marriage and offer tips on how to keep your relationship strong while raising a family.
I came across an insightful article by Laurel Barnet that divides life into two sections: life before kids and life after kids.
Life Before Kids vs. Life After Kids
Section One: Life Before Kids – Included activities like making love late into the night, making out on Saturday mornings, wearing lingerie, smelling like perfume or cologne, and traveling to visit bed and breakfasts.
Section Two: Life After Kids – The activities here were much different: staying up late to feed the baby, watching cartoons on Saturday mornings, wearing flannel PJs, smelling like baby spit-up, and going to McDonald’s for breakfast.
Children do change a marriage, but it’s important to note that they only change the activities within the relationship. Those changes, along with other factors, can lead to three main shifts in your relationship:
Financial Pressures: By bringing children into the family, there are immediate financial needs. There’s another mouth to feed, another person to dress, and eventually another family member to entertain. While these financial pressures might not seem overwhelming at first, they do add up. Kids are expensive. It doesn’t mean they’re not worth it—they absolutely are—but raising children can lead to unwanted financial stress.
Added Responsibility: When kids come into the picture, added responsibilities follow. Mom and Dad can no longer go out and party with friends like they used to. They can’t go camping for the weekend unless they are very prepared, and even a simple evening out for dinner and a movie can become a difficult task. Kids require a lot of time and dedication.
There is no doubt you’ll love your little ones, but it’s equally true that your marriage relationship will change. Motherly instincts may catch the father off guard, and fatherly instincts may surprise the mother.
Your available time will also change due to new responsibilities. A short visit to hang out with the guys becomes a distant memory for the father, and finding time for intimacy or even a quiet conversation can be tough. Mothers may struggle to meet up with friends or juggle household responsibilities.
These changes can either strengthen or weaken a marriage. What matters most is that both parents stay on the same page when it comes to priorities and goals.
Identity Shift: Sometimes, when kids enter the family, both parents face a tough time adjusting to their new roles. Typically, one person stays home to care for the kids while the other becomes the main provider. This traditional model may not always apply, but it’s still common. When this happens, the stay-at-home parent often faces challenges with new domestic duties.
The home worker may find themselves in charge of the household, while the breadwinner deals with added stress, balancing work and trying to fit into a home that’s active all day, even in their absence.
As you can see, children can add stress to a relationship, but that doesn’t mean they need to alter the foundation of your marriage. Here are three ways to prevent statistics from taking a toll on your relationship:
Be Supportive of Each Other
With added responsibilities and pressures, the last thing a marriage needs is one partner blaming the other for something that went wrong. Instead of pointing fingers, offer a hand to hold. Marriage is a journey, and when building a family, support each other to overcome stress and frustrations. Difficult times will arise, but dealing with them is easier when you know you have each other’s backs.
Love Each Other
When kids are in the picture, you might not get as much one-on-one time. But don’t let that stop you from showing affection and reminding your spouse that you love them.
Sometimes, love can be as simple as letting your partner rest when they’re tired. Other times, it comes in the form of flowers or a nice dinner. Marriage isn’t always easy, but love can be if you’re both willing to put in the effort.
Realize that Change is Normal
Whether or not you have kids, life is full of changes. As people age, they typically become more responsible, less spontaneous, and less adventurous. While it’s not always the case, it’s certainly common.
As you grow older and have kids, understand that these changes are part of life. Don’t expect things to go back to how they were before you had a family. Instead, learn how to adapt to this new phase and make the best of it. While you might not have the same freedom as before, you’ll gain the opportunity to experience many rewarding moments—like watching your children grow into unique individuals with their own spunk and personality.
By understanding that children change a marriage, you can ensure that your evolving family relationship remains positive. While you may lose some things, you’ll also gain new experiences that will make your life exciting and full of rewards.
