When a couple splits, there isn’t always much thought given to how the children in the relationship will be affected. Ironically, many parents on the brink of divorce hold on to their unhappiness until the kids are older, feeling as if waiting will lessen the impact on their children. However, the truth is that it still affects them.
Talk to a grown daughter or son with a family of their own whose parents are divorced, and you can see that the ripple effect of divorce lasts for decades. Family gatherings and holidays can be more difficult. Grandchildren can be confused, and grown children often feel guilt and shame if they spend more time with one parent than the other. A host of other issues almost always become evident in families affected by divorce.
For many families, the timing of the divorce is critical in understanding how the separation will affect the kids. Custody battles and divorce proceedings aside, there are some basic developmental issues that are almost always present in kids whose parents divorce. These issues vary according to age. The American Academy of Pediatric Psychology provides a roadmap to help parents understand how their child may react.
How Divorce Affects Children at Different Ages
For instance, a child between the ages of 3-5 will often regress in response to a parental split. Many parents notice that their child returns to a milestone they’ve already passed. A thumb-sucker may start sucking their thumb again. Your child may demand a bottle, want to sleep in your bed, or even show signs of separation anxiety again. Sleep is often disturbed, and children at this age may experience chronic issues typically associated with grief. Remember, a young child doesn’t understand why you and your partner didn’t get along, or why an affair occurred. To them, divorce can make them feel unsafe and insecure. Yes, with counseling and parents who are willing to handle the situation maturely, the child will recover, but it takes time.
Children between the ages of 6-8 also enter a grieving process when parents divorce. If custody arrangements are sporadic, or one parent seems to disappear from their life, the child may grieve the ‘loss’ of this person. Kids may even come up with creative ways to try to get you and your partner back together, unable to accept that the situation is permanent.
An 8-year-old may also grieve but is likely to act out in anger. They may be ‘mad’ at the parent they feel is responsible for the breakup. If they live with mom during the week, they might feel angry with dad, seeing his absence as a personal rejection. It’s also common for children aged 8-11 to take on the role of the parent who left. They may try to comfort you or “be strong” for you when, inside, they are hurting immensely. Since they feel that expressing their anger would only further hurt the parent they’re with, they may refrain from verbalizing their feelings and exhibit their anger in other ways, like at school.
Adolescents can be the hardest hit by divorce. Parents often think that since they are older, teens can better understand the reasons behind the divorce. The truth is that they cannot. A child between the ages of 12-18 whose parents divorce should be monitored closely for signs of depression, drug use, and violent outbursts. These children have likely witnessed marital problems firsthand, which has affected them profoundly. Teens will often try to judge the behavior of the parent they think is at fault. It’s common for teens to completely reject one parent during the first year following a divorce. They may also see their parents’ failure to stay married as a personal failure, which could negatively affect their own views on relationships. Teens may also cling to romantic relationships, engage in sexual promiscuity, or have a 45% higher chance of becoming pregnant as teens, running away, or staying with an abusive partner after a parental divorce.
Psychologists agree that the degree of outward reactions from children can range from mild to extreme. The mental and emotional state of the child largely depends on how well the parents manage the divorce. This is why it is crucial for parents to keep relationship issues between adults only. Parents should avoid using their children as sounding boards, remain optimistic in the children’s presence, and do their best to reassure them that BOTH parents have their best interests at heart.
The Other Challenges Children Face After Divorce
Aside from emotional issues, divorce can cause other practical problems for children. They may need to adjust to a new home, a new school, and the absence of many people they love (grandparents, cousins, aunts, pets, and even friends). Family traditions change, and financial situations often change as well, leading the kids to feel like they have “less.” Additionally, their caretakers may change, their schedule will be affected, and their daily routines will change. Even if parents try to maintain a sense of normalcy, the truth is that the effects of divorce touch every aspect of a child’s life, and a new routine must be established to replace the old one. This can be difficult, and parents may find their kids resisting these changes.
Sadly, these consequences are exactly why many parents wait until the kids are older to go their separate ways. However, allowing your children to grow up witnessing an unhappy and unhealthy relationship, forcing them to deal with parents who are rarely happy, and using them as a ‘reason’ to stay unhappy is not a good solution either. There are plenty of support groups, psychologists, counselors, and other resources available to all family members involved in a divorce. These people and organizations can help you do the right things during the transitional months and give your children a safe, impartial outlet to express their emotions and learn how to cope with the changes they are facing.
