Various people have different definitions of what makes a healthy marriage. Determining individual standards—including how important sex is in a marriage—comes down to personal and even spiritual beliefs. For instance, in Orthodox Judaism, it is considered a mitzvah to engage in sexual relations with one’s spouse during Shabbat, provided the woman is not experiencing niddah. Other religions view this same loving affection as Holy and Righteous, while some consider any sexual conduct as a dirty secret. However, few people dictate their sex lives strictly according to religious guidelines, so the importance of sex in a marriage is often determined more by personal beliefs than anything else.
Most societal-based accusations claim that men consider sex to be of higher importance in a marriage than women do. Recent polls have indicated that while there is some truth to this, what matters most is that both partners share a similar level of sexual interest. It’s nearly impossible for two people—especially those of differing genders—to fully agree on issues concerning sex at all times. During certain hormonal cycles, either partner may experience fluctuations in sexual interest, meaning that while one partner may be in the midst of a peak, the other may be in a lull. As the two partners cycle through their hormonal changes, they occasionally meet somewhere in the middle.
Understanding Sexual Dynamics in Marriage
Men are often taught that sexual prowess is a positive trait, while women are taught that such behavior makes them “slutty” and unappealing. These societal attitudes can significantly influence the frequency and importance of sex in a marriage. Women often feel pressured to have more sex than they are comfortable with, while men may feel slighted when their advances are repeatedly turned away. This type of sexual friction can lead to hurt feelings and cause many couples to question the role of sex in their relationship.
For some couples, the hardest part of being together is learning to understand each other’s sexual needs, desires, and dysfunctions—and we all have some form of sexual dysfunction. It’s not uncommon for many couples to seek counseling related to their sex lives. Women have often been conditioned to use sex as a weapon: withholding it when things aren’t going well and “giving it up” when their partners behave. Men, on the other hand, are taught to expect a certain level of intimacy, and it’s not unusual for them to express their fears of inadequacy by resorting to the classic line: “If you’re not doing it with me, then who are you doing it with?”
Most couples can resolve their sexual frustrations and miscommunications by learning to communicate openly about what is important to them, what works for them, and what feels intolerable—and why. Women may need more physical affection than men, often with little or no connection to sex. Sometimes, they simply need to be touched without the expectation of sexual intimacy. While men also need this kind of physical contact, they may be less likely to admit it, as many boys are conditioned by their fathers to need less, not to “whine,” and not to turn to their mothers for comfort when they fall or feel vulnerable. Men who find themselves in relationships with frequent physical contact that doesn’t lead to sex may feel confused, as though their wives are sending mixed messages. Meanwhile, the woman may simply want closeness without the constant expectation of sex. Simple conversations and clarified expectations can help alleviate these harmful feelings.
Sex is an integral part of a healthy marriage. Many couples eventually reach a place of deep comfort where sex no longer plays a central role in their lives. However, some couples manage to keep the magic alive well into their sixties and seventies. Sexual expression is an inherent and pleasurable experience for most people; it’s part of living, loving, and growing together. A lack of it may indicate a problem—especially if the couple has been together for less than five years and one partner feels truly dissatisfied with the current arrangement.
There is no universal formula for determining how much sex is healthy for a marriage. Sex for the wrong reasons is not healthy sex; it can often be a diversion from other problems. Too little sex can be either a temporary or permanent issue. So, how important is sex in a marriage? It’s as important as it is to the individuals in the marriage. Frequency is less important than quality, and the amount of sex doesn’t necessarily indicate a healthy marriage. What truly matters is acceptance, communication, and a strong, loving commitment to each other.
