The two of you make the perfect couple. You can sit down and watch an NFL game as easily as you can enjoy a romantic movie together. You like the same foods, both enjoy cooking, and take turns creating mouthwatering meals for each other. Even more amazing, his mother loves you—and your mother calls him for plumbing advice or just to chat once or twice a day. Can you say the most perfect couple ever?
But there is one small detail that the two of you cannot seem to agree on: sex. How can everything be so wonderful between two people, except in the bedroom? Doesn’t it make sense that a couple who gets along great and can agree on everything (or agree to disagree) should also be able to find passion and romance in the bedroom? Even Dr. Phil believes that one of the top relationship myths is that a “great” relationship has nothing to do with sex. Why? Because it does. Getting along, not fighting, communicating, and seeming to be on the same page in every other area of life doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is going to last.
The Question: How Important Is Sex in a New Relationship?
Research has shown that nearly half of all men and women are unhappy with their sexual relationships. Over time, this dissatisfaction in the bedroom has a 78% chance of leading to infidelity. The reasons for this unhappiness range from a lack of quality to a lack of quantity of sexual contact. For some people—especially those who get along well in most areas—there can be conflicting bedroom personalities. When sex doesn’t work out between two people, it can eventually cause a divide as wide as the Grand Canyon.
Sexual preferences and needs vary from person to person. Each of us comes into a relationship with different expectations about sex. When these expectations aren’t met, it can be a difficult thing to talk about. Telling your partner that you love them and think they’re the greatest thing since sliced bread is one thing. But admitting that you’re not happy in the bedroom? That’s a conversation that can cut deeper than a butter knife. If someone were to tell you they weren’t happy with you sexually, your first response might be to react from a place of hurt. You could become defensive, start mistrusting your partner, or feel intimidated and threatened. Even if the conversation is framed in the spirit of communication and problem-solving, it could still lead to a full-blown fight.
Should you be honest about your lack of satisfaction in the bedroom? Absolutely—especially in a new relationship. When it comes to divorce and separation, the most common issues are money and sex. Many people get married despite being dissatisfied sexually because they believe that over time, or with marriage, sex will improve. The problem is that people identify strongly with their own personal sexual needs and tendencies. You might want sex every day, while your partner may not be interested. You might think about sex ten times a day and want to try new positions and be creative, while your partner is content with the status quo. If you recognize this issue early on in a relationship, and you’ve tried to address it without success, you need to ask yourself: How important is sex in your relationship? Can you truly live the rest of your life without having your sexual needs met and feeling neglected?
Dr. Berman, a renowned relationship expert, believes that sexuality issues arise because no one is talking about them. More importantly, couples feel that sex should come naturally when everything else in the relationship is going well. As a result, not being direct about your needs, not taking the initiative to communicate and make changes, leads to dissatisfaction in the long run. It’s not necessarily that your partner isn’t into you or passionate sex—it could simply be that they don’t fully understand what you need. She advises that couples should take the time to teach each other about their needs, wants, and desires when it comes to sex as early as possible in the relationship.
Of course, you may find that you and your partner are simply not sexually compatible. If that’s the case, it’s important to step back and decide how much you are willing to compromise in order to be with the person you love. Sure, no relationship is perfect—every couple has its issues. But when the issue is sexual incompatibility, it can slowly but surely destroy the relationship. And let’s face it, sex is an important part of life. Ultimately, the decision you make could be one you’ll have to live with for a very long time.
It’s also important to note that getting along, doing things for one another, being compassionate and respectful, and meeting the qualifications of being the “perfect partner” are not valid excuses for not being sexually compatible. You can’t say, “I’m the perfect partner because I’m considerate, so not wanting sex shouldn’t be a reason to break up with me.” For some people, sexual incompatibility is indeed a valid reason to reconsider the relationship.
A healthy sexual relationship can bring two people closer than anything else. It’s the most intimate layer of your connection. If things aren’t working out in this department and you’ve tried to address the issue, it may be that you and your partner are perfect friends rather than lovers—especially if a satisfying sex life is something you truly value.
