The two of you are the best couple. You can sit down and watch an NFL game just as amicably as you can sit down and enjoy a romantic movie. You like the same foods. Both of you enjoy cooking, and you take turns creating mouthwatering meals for one another. Even more amazing, his mother loves you – and your mother calls him for plumbing advice or just to chat once or twice a day. Can you say – the most perfect couple ever?
But there is one, small, minor detail that the two of you cannot seem to agree on. Sex. How can everything be so wonderful between two people, except for in the bedroom? Doesn’t it just make sense that a couple who gets along great, and can agree on everything – and agree to disagree on the other things, should be able to find passion and romance in the bedroom? Even Dr. Phil believes that one of the top relationship myths in a relationship is to believe that a ‘great’ relationship has nothing to do with sex.” Why? Because it does. Getting along, not fighting, communicating and seeming on the same page when it comes to everything else but sex, doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is going to last.
The question is, how important is sex in a new relationship?
Leading research has indicated that nearly half of all men and women are not happy about their sexual relationships. And, in the long run – this dissatisfaction underneath the covers has a 78% chance of leading to infidelity. The reasons that people are unhappy range from lack of quality to lack of quantity of sexual contact. For some people, even ones that see eye to eye on most things, they have totally different bedroom personalities that conflict. When sex doesn’t work out between two people, it can eventually cause a divide as large as the Grand Canyon.
Essentially, sexual preferences and needs vary from person to person. Each one of us comes to a relationship with different expectations about sex. When these expectations aren’t met, it can be a difficult thing to talk about. Obviously, telling your partner you love them and think they are the greatest thing since sliced bed is one thing. But then admitting that you are not happy in the sack cuts sharper than the butter knife. If someone were to tell you they weren’t happy with you sexually, your first response would be to react from a place of hurt. You might begin getting defensive. You might start not trusting your partner right off the bat, and will feel intimidated and threatened. Even if the conversation was presented in a manner of communication and problem solving, it could lead to an all out fight.
Should you be honest about your lack of satisfaction in the bedroom? Absolutely. Especially in new relationship. When it comes to divorce and separation, the problems are normally money and sex. Many people get married to a partner, even though they are dissatisfied sexually, because they feel that over time, or with marriage – the sex will improve. Problem is, most people identify strongly with their own personal sexual needs and tendencies. You may want sex daily. Your partner may not be interested. You may think about sex ten times a day – may want to try new positions and be creative, while your partner hardly wants to spend time doing more than what is expected. If you know this in the beginning of a relationship, have tried to deal with it and it is not working, you have to ask yourself how important sex is in your relationship? Can you truly live the rest of your life not having your sexual needs met? Feeling neglected?
Dr. Berman, a renowned relationship experts believes that the reason sexuality issues arise is because no one is talking about them. And more importantly, because individually couples feel that the sex part of a relationship should come naturally when a relationship is amicable. So essentially, not asking for what you want, being direct underneath the covers, and taking the initiative to change the relationship only results in dissatisfaction over the long run. It may not be that your partner isn’t that in to you, or into wild and passionate sex, but that they don’t truly understand what their partner is looking for. She goes on to explain that couples need to take the time to teach one another about their needs, wants and desires when it comes to sex, as early as possible in a relationship.
And obviously, you may find that you and your partner are just not compatible sexually. If this is the case, then it is important to step back from the relationship and decide just how much you are willing to give up sexually, in order to be with a person you love. Sure, no relationship is perfect. Every couple has ‘issues.’ However, when the issue is sex – and incompatibility sexually, it can be a slow burning flame that eventually ends up destroying the relationship. And face it; sex is an important part of life. Ultimately, your decision could potentially be one you have to live with for a very long time.
It’s important to note, that getting along, doing things for one another, being compassionate and respectful and meeting the qualifications on the bulleted list of ‘what it means to be the best boy/girl friend’ is not an excuse for not being sexually compatible. You cannot say, “I am the perfect partner just because I don’t want to sex doesn’t give you a good reason to break up with me.” Because for some people, this is definitely a good reason to non-pursue the relationship further.
The sexual relationship overall between two people is one that can truly bring the two of you closer than anything else can. This is the most intimate layer of your relationship. If things aren’t working out in this department, and you have tried to discuss and fix the issues, it may be that the two of you are perfect friends rather than lovers. Especially if a satisfying sex life is something that you value in your life.
