Hmm, another discipline article. It seems that parents are constantly and furtively searching for the easiest and most effective way to have perfect children—ones that don’t talk back, scream, yell, throw tantrums, pick their noses at the table, fight with their siblings, or complain, whine, and act like ungrateful, spoiled brats at hearing the word “NO!” Learning how to correct bad behavior in children is an ever-constant experience that requires flexibility surpassing that of a contortionist. Why? Because your children are constantly changing and growing, and the problems of today will not be the same behavioral challenges you face in a year.
Right now, you might be horrified that your child is the biter on the preschool playground. But in five years, when they no longer bite out of frustration, they may become defiant with teachers or be accused of not listening at school. Luckily, many of the tactics used early in childhood can be altered slightly to work as they become grumpy and moody teens.
Understanding Your Child’s Personality
The first step in correcting bad behavior is to understand your child’s personality. You may have two children—one who listens at the first hint of your dissatisfaction and another who balks and becomes increasingly challenging just because they know you are unhappy. You must find your child’s “currency”—in other words, what makes them tick. For young children, this could be a favorite toy, dessert after dinner, or even a chore or two around the house as “punishment.” You might even find that something as simple as a jellybean jar, filled with beans each time your child behaves well and taking away beans for negative behavior, is enough to motivate them.
The truth is, rewarding positive behavior is the best way to make an impression on your child. Remember the old adage: “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar!”
When you figure out how your child works, you must reinforce good behavior positively. This means it has to feel better to your child to be praised for good actions than to receive attention for bad ones. Many parents go wrong by rewarding their child for simple tasks like saying “thank you” or flushing the toilet. Instead, focus on rewarding your children for making good decisions, showing growth, and taking responsibility. Manners should be expected ALL THE TIME—they are part of being human. However, things like thinking of others, doing chores or homework without being asked, getting good grades, being respectful, and following directions are all choices your child makes.
If they are choosing poorly, ask yourself if you are giving them more attention for negative behavior than for positive choices. By rewarding positive behavior, you will encourage more of it, helping them correct bad behavior on their own terms, rather than through your demands.
Positive reinforcement works with every child. The difference lies in what kind of reinforcement you use. Do jellybeans work? Does rewarding them with extra television time, video game time, or a special outing do the trick? For older kids, positive reinforcement could be an allowance, extra time with friends, attending a football game with schoolmates, or going to a movie. Some kids do well with the allowance of staying up later than usual. This is why it’s vital to know what is important to your child (their “currency”) so you can find positive ways to make it part of your discipline. When your children act up and lose access to what matters to them at any age, they begin to recognize that it is their choice—not yours.
Another crucial aspect of correcting bad behavior is ensuring that your children understand your expectations. You can’t be vague with kids and just say you expect respect for elders at all times. You need to teach them what that means, point it out when you see them practicing it, and most importantly, show respect yourself. If you want your children to listen to you, you must listen to them and model what a good listener looks like. If you want them to clean up after themselves, you need to show them what that entails.
Remember, your children are still learning the ropes and don’t have all the information they need. From a young age, parents must be thorough in explaining life’s rules. You can’t fault a child for misbehaving if they don’t know better—and often, they don’t. If you’re unsure whether they understand, role-playing scenarios and recognizing and rewarding positive strides in behavior will help guide them toward the behavior you expect.
One final important point: children’s behavior is not as random as it may seem. If your children are acting up, there’s likely some perceived reward they are gaining from doing so. Often, kids misbehave to get attention, and they are masters at manipulating adults in their lives. When you see new challenges in behavior arise, try to figure out what your child needs to learn so they can grow into the kind of person they’ll be proud of. Teach them about consequences and ensure they fully understand why behaviors like biting, spitting at the table, throwing trash out of the window, backtalking, or not listening will not be tolerated.
