I am always looking for ways to create resilience, especially for highly sensitive people. I want us to thrive in the world both as individuals and in relationships. I’ve come across significant research that shows how the way we interpret our lives can make us either more or less resilient. If we take advantage of what has happened to us, rather than bemoan it, we lead healthier, more secure, and more content lives.
Have you ever known or read about a family that suffered from a traumatic experience, but one child became a victim, while the other thrived? I’m really curious about the child who thrived. Did you know that twelve of our U.S. presidents lost their fathers at a young age?
“There is no good or bad without us, there is only perception. There is the event itself and the story we tell ourselves about what it means.”
― Ryan Holiday, The Obstacle is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Adversity to Advantage
For some, it seems the obstacle is truly the way.
Perception changes everything
I’ve heard it said that we only have control over our perceptions, decisions, and actions. Perception is the foundation of all three. By creating a narrative that makes sense of everything that has happened to us and how it has strengthened us, we shift and boost our perspective.
Personal coaches and therapists help clients change their perspective so they can move forward in their lives.
Sensitive and suffering
I often ask clients how a past misfortune changed them in a positive way. Perhaps their negligent parent caused them to become self-reliant and independent (sound familiar to avoidant attachment types?). Or maybe their overly dependent parent taught them how to read people well and anticipate others’ needs.
Inborn sensitivity to threats, combined with negligent parents, makes it tough to establish security—but there is hope for resilience.
Building a narrative helps.
We can view our sensitivity as a gift that gives us superior insight into others’ feelings, allowing for close connections through empathy. We can also use our parents’ unavailability as a spur to develop personal grit and an independent nature.
Parenting guilt not necessary?
For a long time, I carried a sense of guilt about needing time for myself to write and recover my energy. This guilt often surfaced in the realm of parenting.
When my marriage was ending and my writing began, I withdrew mentally and physically from the family sometimes, to gather myself and create. I was also raised with a fair amount of autonomy, so naturally, my parenting style resembles that of my parents.
A few comments my oldest son made recently have made me think that perhaps I did not scar him as much as I thought. He said he was glad I didn’t ‘baby’ him too much. He believes it’s OK to say no to your children every once in a while. He also said that he’s more independent than kids whose parents did everything for them.
He may not have felt my absence as deeply as I believed, or perhaps he has built a positive narrative of his own.
You don’t have to write a book…
You don’t have to write a book to get the full benefits of establishing a narrative—just think it through, share your story with a friend, or jot down your thoughts in a notebook.
Putting your full-circle story together gives you a sense of peace and understanding that fortifies you against future ups and downs. New bumps in the road don’t seem as intimidating. You’ve made lemonade out of lemons.
Your big-picture perspective helps you make confident decisions and take action—even when the action is uncomfortable.
You are the narrator of your story. You are no longer a victim.
Brenda Knowles is the creator of brendaknowles.com, the website where sensitive people go to build emotional and relationship resilience. She is also the author of The Quiet Rise of Introverts: 8 Practices for Living and Loving in a Noisy World. Check out the first chapter of The Quiet Rise for free by clicking here.
