It’s a day you hoped would never come. You’ve seen this scenario play out countless times in other people’s lives, but experiencing it yourself is heartbreaking and gut-wrenching. It solidifies the fact that the older you get, the less of a ‘child’ you remain to your parents. Learning how to parent your parents is a difficult transition. No matter how old you are, how many successes you can count on your fingers, or how many children you have, your parents are always supposed to be the strong ones for you.
The ‘help’ that your parents need can range from financial to medical assistance. You may notice that their cognitive skills are changing over time, and tasks that used to be simple are becoming complex and often overlooked. Your assistance may start slowly—from helping them clean their house once or twice a week to driving them to the bank every Friday. For millions of others, noticing that their parents need help results in hurt feelings and resentment.
According to statistics, there are an estimated 22.4 million households that care for elderly parents. Every year, with advances in healthcare, people are living longer than ever. In the next decade, these numbers are expected to grow even higher, according to the AARP. It is estimated that children parenting their own parents spend, on average, 18 hours per week on assistance-related tasks for elderly care. This is a significant time commitment, which many people do not have. Fitting it in often means compromising their own well-being and happiness to fulfill what they feel obligated to do.
Family care is taxing. For the adult child, there are many emotions to navigate, ranging from sadness and resentment to grief. Most organizations claim that adult children responsible for their parents grieve the loss long before their parent’s death. Making matters worse, many elderly people who retain full cognitive abilities do not want to be a burden and resist the help being offered.
According to the book Social Gerontology, both parents and children should devise a plan for this situation well in advance. History shows that elderly care can last around 18 years or more—up from less than five years just a decade ago. This means that caring for your parents is a long-term commitment, almost as long as it took to raise your own children. Therefore, you need to be socially, financially, emotionally, and mentally prepared.
Nearly every help organization advises adult children to seek assistance, and there are plenty of resources available. Some agencies provide meals, while others assist with long-term medical care. You should plan for this care ahead of time, ensuring that you and your parents are on the same page. This way, when the time comes, many of the details will already be worked out, allowing for a seamless action plan.
If your parents are adamant that they do not want your help and live in denial, seek assistance from outside agencies. Many parents prefer to have health-related matters handled by non-relatives to avoid feeling like a burden. Look into insurance plans for this type of care and help your parents find resources for nursing homes or care facilities BEFORE THEY NEED IT. This way, they can retain control over their lives and feel less helpless.
Helpful Resources When You Are Parenting a Parent
Reaching out is the best thing you can do. When faced with this situation, ensure that you are both physically and mentally able to manage the details. Counselors suggest taking time (when possible) to organize your thoughts and grieve the loss of the parents you remember from childhood. You also need to schedule a family meeting to discuss what other family members, siblings, or grandchildren can offer help. You will find that some will be willing, while others won’t. When this time comes, great divides can begin to strain family relationships. Your best bet is to keep the focus on what is best for your elderly or sick parent. If others are unwilling to help, you must seek external assistance even more.
Additionally, you need a solid financial plan. If you cannot afford the care your parent needs, check out available programs through insurance and government assistance. Keep in mind that the last thing your parents want is to bankrupt you, especially when you have your own retirement to consider.
The following are some excellent resources you can utilize to help you navigate this often painful and confusing period. Some provide information, while others offer economic and medical resources. Additionally, there are forums you can join to connect with a community of people, just like you, who are parenting their parents.
Aging Parents and Elder Care: www.aging-parents-and-elder-care.com/
Elder Care: eldercare.com/
AARP: http://www.aarp.org/entertainment/arts-leisure/
FCA: Family Caregiver Alliance: http://caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/home.jsp
National Family Caregivers Association: caregiveraction.org/
Children of Aging Parents: http://www.fsabc.org/
Remember, the bottom line is that you are doing your parents and your family a great service. Even so, you must take care of yourself, prioritize your needs, and be prepared for all potential events. When all is said and done, you will be proud of what you did.