Who coined the term ‘amicable divorce’? It suggests that a divorce can be as friendly as a walk down the street where all your neighbors know your name. Please. No matter how a divorce unfolds, and how less than vicious it may be, a “friendly divorce” is incredibly rare. The term should really be tossed aside. Divorce signals the loss of something—dreams, hopes, futures, could-have-beens, and wanted-tos. These things are lost every time a marriage ends. And there are emotional consequences to such losses. Learning how to stay sane during a divorce means, in part, looking at it for exactly what it is.
There are numerous books and articles written on the subject, but the truth is, there is no right formula for experiencing a divorce. It’s one of those things that you have to feel your way through, hope, pray, and experience as it happens. There is nothing you can do to predict your emotional journey in advance, and nothing written that will give you a step-by-step guide through your divorce. It’s happening to you, and only you truly know how you’re feeling and dealing with it.
Managing Emotions During Divorce
Once you accept that your feelings will arise, the next step is to learn how to manage them. Divorce almost always causes a great deal of anger, even if that anger isn’t necessarily directed at the other person. Sometimes, the anger stems from the fact that it’s happening and that you couldn’t save your marriage. The anger can feel like a heavy blanket, affecting all aspects of life. Go to the batting cages, learn to beat a tennis racket against a pillow, tear up an old phone book—release the anger. Let it go into the universe instead of letting it circle your head like a shark. People going through a divorce often want to control their feelings because there is so much going on that they can’t control. But learning to release those feelings appropriately will make the emotional weight lighter and more manageable.
Human beings have a tremendous capacity for love, which means they also have a tremendous capacity for hate. Learning how to stay sane during a divorce is one of those times when your capacity for hate may scare you. It sneaks up on you, eats at you, and has the potential to turn you into a rather unlikeable person—either temporarily or, in some cases, forever. This hate often arises from feelings of betrayal. In some cases, betrayal is obvious: you were cheated on, money was drained from an account, your children were lied to. In other cases, you may feel your sense of betrayal is unfounded. People often feel betrayed during a divorce because the ‘promise’ of the future—no matter how it was broken—was something we all need. Without a feeling of future safety, we all feel a little lost. A divorce itself can feel like a betrayal, even when it’s better to live apart than together. It can be hard to recognize these feelings as legitimate when there hasn’t been some heinous act of deception. But they are legitimate, and they should be dealt with.
The loss of mutual friends can be one of the hardest aspects of a divorce. Not knowing where mutual friends stand during the initial stages can be maddening. If you have reasonably close friendships, simply ask them where they stand. A friend may feel obligated to choose sides if the divorce is particularly bitter. They may also avoid expressing their true feelings for months or even years after the divorce is final, out of fear of hurting someone or losing a valuable relationship. Not all your mutual friends will be honest, but some will be. If you’re not asking them to choose sides, they’ll likely be more inclined to support you, listen to your emotional ramblings, and offer both emotional and practical help.
When children are involved, a divorce is inevitably more strained. Children become needier, angrier, and more disrespectful. Some will randomly cry or even cause small injuries to gain a parent’s distracted attention. If you’re trying to balance dealing with your own emotions while helping your children adjust, make it a habit to nurture yourself once a week. Talk to a therapist, go to a spa, take long walks alone, indulge in good music, or spend time with friends. These small acts of self-care will help you manage your feelings, which will, in turn, help you manage your children’s feelings.
There is no magical answer. How to stay sane during a divorce is not something neatly packaged with perfect solutions. It is a learning experience, one that will help you understand yourself better over time. It’s scary, and it may feel right one minute and wrong the next. There are many emotions to navigate, and that’s incredibly difficult. But if you start looking at things through a smaller window and tackle smaller chunks of life at a time, you might not feel so overwhelmed. You don’t need to solve everything in one day—just the day’s events and emotions. As time goes on, you’ll develop a better perspective and be able to handle things in larger chunks. But for each day that passes, dealing with small, incremental moments will provide you with relief and insight to handle the larger, more crushing blows.
