There is really no definite moment in parenthood when the yelling and hollering start. Somewhere between birth and children learning to talk, they quickly realize that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Suddenly, it’s okay to yell, hoot, holler, squeal, whine, and shout within the confines of the walls you call home. Even so, it’s disturbing and extremely irritating to live in a house filled with children yelling. Being loud and rambunctious is one thing, but yelling for a drink, shouting at their baby sister for stealing their iPod, or worst of all, yelling at you, is beyond comprehension. If you think back, you’ll likely remember that YOU didn’t yell at your parents. So why, then, are your children yelling at you? Once it starts, yelling can be difficult to stop.
Obviously, children aren’t dumb. They yell for many reasons, but mostly because it works. When they yell at a sibling, for a drink, or because they aren’t getting their exact way, they manage to get your momentary attention. This isn’t necessarily a good thing, as you’re probably upset by the tone of their voice, but you are paying attention to them now, whereas a few minutes ago, you were answering emails. So, yelling is effective. This means that making yelling ineffective is a good strategy for learning how to stop children from yelling in the first place. Sounds simple, but it isn’t.
Teaching Your Child to Communicate Effectively
When your children are young, you have to remind them that they are yelling. They may realize they are angry or perturbed, but not that they are yelling. Plus, they’ve seen you, teachers, and other adults raise their voices to grab someone’s attention. You can call it an “inside voice” or use any metaphor that works. The key is to make it clear that when your child is yelling, you WILL NOT pay attention. Gently grab their face, have them look you in the eye, and tell them that you want to hear what they’re saying but won’t respond when they use that voice. The next step is the hardest, because you must follow through. This means ignoring the boiling blood in your veins that immediately rises when you hear your child yelling again—and ignoring them. Eventually, they may yell even louder, stomp their feet, or throw a tantrum. But this is okay. They are simply frustrated because they will now have to find another way to get your attention. Guess what? They do. When you show a child that yelling will do nothing but get them into trouble, they will quickly learn to try another tactic.
The next step is helping your child learn to replace yelling and hollering with words that are effective at problem-solving. Children aren’t born knowing how to handle conflict, and their immediate raw human response is to get angry. As a parent, you should step in and give them the tools they need to handle the situation. If they are hollering at a younger sibling who is bothering them, tell them step by step how you want them to handle it. It’s also important to allow your child to feel angry but instruct them on how not to act out verbally with that feeling. Yelling, at any age, leads to defensive, counterproductive behavior in others, which only adds fuel to the fire. Children must be taught that there is another, better way. Of course, you also have to show them that there is another way and realize that you cannot resort to yelling just because you’re angry either. Since children learn by example, you may be the key to teaching them how to stop yelling in your home.
If the yelling doesn’t stop, you have to assume that some underlying need of your child is not being met. For toddlers, the easiest way to decipher what is going on is to gather some dolls and do a little role-playing. If your 5-year-old is constantly yelling at your 3-year-old, pretend to be the 3-year-old with a doll. This way, your child will be able to describe what they feel and show you how they feel. Additionally, while role-playing, show them that if they calmly come to you and tell you their problem, it will be solved. Children learn quickly when role-playing because they feel safe from criticism or discipline.
Older children just seem to yell. Chances are, your 12-year-old doesn’t want to role-play with Barbies. Nonetheless, they are more than capable of understanding that yelling is not acceptable. In this case, discipline is the answer. Remind your older children that yelling, raising their voice, and hollering are deliberate choices they make. No matter how much they are provoked by a sibling or you, they are the ones who choose to yell, and they will be disciplined for it. Then, discipline them—consistently. Eventually, even the most stubborn child will realize that yelling, even if they are rightfully angry, isn’t acceptable in your home.
There are other kinds of yelling that bother parents as well. When a child is in another room and yells, “Mom,” 200 times, it’s maddening. Does the yelling work? Do you eventually get up in a huff and go see what all the fuss is about? Sure you do! Teach children at a young age that yelling won’t be tolerated and that if they need you, want you, or have something to tell you, they need to come to you. This can stop children from yelling unnecessarily, which often results in the “boy who cried wolf” syndrome for parents. Yelling is frustrating for you, but the sooner you learn to curb the behavior, the easier your life will be.
