Usually, we find out our children have learned a new curse word while we’re sitting at dinner with friends or family—just as they accidentally spill their drink on the table and blurt out, “Sh–!” Aghast, we may nervously giggle, turn red-faced, and immediately scold them: “That’s not an appropriate word!” We avoid asking where they heard it because deep down, we already know. And then, as they attempt to defend themselves, they innocently announce, “Well, Daddy said it yesterday when he stubbed his toe on the door!”
Now, not only are you embarrassed in front of your guests, but you’re also mortified—convinced everyone at the table thinks you’re a lousy, irresponsible parent. No worries—there are definitely bigger fish to fry than this one!
Once children learn any of the plethora of expletives adults use, it can leave us wondering what in the world we’re supposed to do to stop our kids from swearing. In large part, whether they continue or not is based on how we react. At the age of three or four, a child who uses a curse word in the right context isn’t being bad—they’re simply mimicking what they’ve heard.
If we laugh, hold our bellies, fall to the floor, or rush to call our friends because we think it’s the cutest (although wrong) thing we’ve ever heard, chances are they’ll continue to say it—for no other reason than the positive reaction they received. If, on the other hand, we calmly explain that it’s not a nice word for children to use—regardless of who they heard it from (and we all know who that probably was)—they’ll file it under their growing “negative behavior” folder.
Children are sponges. As they begin to explore language, whether from parents, friends, or television, they’ll inevitably pick up swear words. It seems excessive to punish them harshly at first, but the message should still be clear: these words are not okay. As they grow and mature, they’ll understand and learn to avoid them. Explaining that some words are “only for adults” can be confusing to a preschooler, and frankly, that’s probably not a line worth drawing when it comes to cussing. If the behavior continues despite your explanations, it’s fair to implement consequences—but that doesn’t mean shoving a bar of Dial soap in their mouth (gross and just plain mean).
When the Real World Joins the Conversation
Once kids start school, they become exposed to all kinds of conversations—and curse words—from homes across your community. Eventually, a bold kindergartner will say something inappropriate on the playground or in the bathroom, and your child will either come home repeating it or asking what it means. Once again, your reaction is crucial. From elementary school through middle school, kids are capable of understanding that swearing breaks the rules of respect. If your expectations are consistent and clearly communicated, you may avoid the issue altogether—because your child simply won’t feel comfortable using those words.
For parents whose older children occasionally throw in curse words or talk to friends in cringe-worthy ways, it’s best to stay consistent in preaching that swear words aren’t proper. If they use them privately with peers and you overhear it—consider ignoring it. The bigger picture is teaching children that different situations call for different behavior. If they’re respectful to adults, avoid swearing in public, and understand when it’s inappropriate, then clearly your message is getting through. Swearing among friends may just be a rite of passage into adolescence. We may not love it, but let’s be honest—there are far more important things to worry about.
Probably the easiest way to stop your kids from swearing is to stop doing it yourself. This means when a jack— pulls out in front of you on the way to soccer practice, you bite your lip. HARD. While I don’t entirely buy into the idea that children will always mimic their parents, it’s still common sense: if they hear swear words regularly at home, they’ll become desensitized to them. That casual acceptance can follow them right into school—and one day, when they drop a milk carton in the cafeteria, “Damn!” might slip out before they even realize it.
If you’re at the point where action is needed to curb the language, use gentle but firm tactics. Create a swear jar, and make both you and your kids contribute every time someone slips up. You’ll be amazed how quickly quarters add up. You can also implement a consequence system—every two curse words mean one extra chore or a half-hour loss of TV or video game time. Earlier bedtimes can work too. Younger children often respond well to short timeouts, especially when it’s made clear that swearing is the reason.
In the grand scheme of parenting, swearing is more of an annoyance than a catastrophe. As society progresses, more words are “approved” for prime time TV, and people, in general, are more relaxed about language. Still, well-mannered and respectful people aren’t the ones we see cussing and throwing fits in the middle of Walmart. Even though I personally perfected the art of “cool” swearing as a teenager, I grew up—and now, I rarely do it (unless it’s really necessary). After all these years, I still feel uncomfortable swearing in front of my parents or in-laws, and I definitely try to watch my mouth around the kids—who are always watching.
It’s much easier to teach children not to swear from the start than it is to undo it later. And if they do catch you saying a bad word? Deny it. Fast. Then, make up a harmless word that sounds similar. My kids still go around calling people they don’t like a “sass,” which is much better than what I actually said.
