In even the best families, siblings hit. Children learn early to express frustration through physical actions, often using their hands first. This behavior isn’t necessarily taught but emerges as a natural, effective way to solve problems. When big sister snatches little brother’s toy car, he may lash out with fingernails and a scream that declares, “I’m tired of being bullied!” Big sister retaliates, believing an eye for an eye is fair. Parents then step in, preaching about being the bigger person, acting one’s age, and resolving conflicts without violence. These words often fall on deaf ears. Kids quickly learn that hitting siblings, while not earning the desired attention, garners notice and provides a swift release for their frustration. Thus begins the lifelong parental challenge of stopping siblings from hitting each other.
Understanding Hitting in Early Childhood
In the early years, sibling hitting is relatively harmless. Young children hit because they lack the skills to handle conflicts otherwise. They may have been hit, scratched, or pushed by peers, or they hit out of anger, unaware that their actions can cause real pain. During this stage, parents should teach kids to take the high road, encouraging them to seek adult mediation rather than resolving disputes themselves. However, parents must recognize that they won’t always be at school to intervene. Hitting among siblings, though aggressive, often establishes a pecking order, giving each child a sense of power. When an older child hits a younger one, parents can explain that it’s wrong, outline consequences, and emphasize that inflicting pain isn’t a solution. But when the younger child eventually strikes back, what then?
Most parents agree that hitting to solve problems is never the answer. Some, however, encourage their children not to start fights but to defend themselves if necessary. This approach, though not aligned with mainstream parenting advice, can teach valuable lessons. A child who stands up for themselves is less likely to be a perpetual victim, crying to a teacher who may not intervene while a bully runs off with their ball. For kids, as for adults, asserting power and self-preservation reduces the likelihood of being trampled. In the home, hitting is often a sensitive tactic in this dynamic.
Excessive parental involvement in sibling conflicts can inadvertently undermine children’s autonomy and show favoritism toward the younger sibling out of protectiveness. This leaves the older child resentful, feeling unfairly treated and believing parents favor the younger one. Children, regardless of age, rarely grasp the developmental differences between a 6-year-old and a 12-year-old. To the older child, the younger one seems to get away with everything. When addressing sibling hitting, parents should empathize with each child’s perspective and acknowledge their feelings.
Teaching Alternatives to Physical Conflict
For younger children, who are more vulnerable to blows from older siblings, parents should teach that provoking others has consequences. This doesn’t mean condoning a 5-year-old hitting a 3-year-old with a ball, but rather helping the younger child understand their role in the conflict. If they hit, pinch, or disrespect their older sibling, retaliation is likely, regardless of house rules.
Parents frustrated by constant elbows and punches—whether in the minivan or living room—must establish that hitting is unacceptable. Strict, consistent rules should apply to all children, regardless of age. If a 3-year-old’s hit doesn’t hurt a 10-year-old, it still warrants consequences to avoid perceptions of favoritism. Parents should also provide outlets for anger. Spanking to curb hitting contradicts the lesson, exacerbating the issue. Instead, separate the children and investigate the conflict from both perspectives.
To prevent sibling hitting, offer alternatives. Children feel angry and frustrated, so help them find words and solutions that don’t involve physicality. Each child’s needs differ, and consequences for hitting should be clear. The goal is to teach self-control, equipping children to manage emotions effectively. This might involve letting them express anger, providing a punching bag, or repeatedly explaining that hitting causes physical and emotional harm. Most children don’t intend to injure but simply want their way.
Ultimately, parents must recognize that some aggression is natural within families. Siblings shouldn’t resolve every conflict through hitting, pinching, or scratching, but suppressing all aggressive tendencies is unrealistic. Sometimes, leaving siblings to resolve their disputes teaches more than a family therapy session with crayons. Hitting can be a quick, clear way to settle territorial battles, and parental interference may amplify the issue. While parents can’t ignore their children physically overpowering each other, they should understand that hitting is often part of sibling dynamics.
