Talking about herpes can be embarrassing. The problem is that statistics show around 80% of all adults have some form of herpes. In older adults, it’s estimated that about 96% have been exposed to the herpes virus that causes cold sores or fever blisters on the mouth, lips, and face. Around 25% of Americans have genital herpes, a contagious form that affects the sexual organs. Of those 25%, experts believe only 80% are effectively managing their infection, and millions may carry the virus without even knowing it.
Understanding Herpes and Its Impact
What is herpes? Herpes is a viral infection that, once contracted, never leaves your body. This means it will resurface from time to time, especially during periods of stress or when the immune system is compromised. Other diseases, such as fever blisters, shingles, Epstein-Barr virus, mono, and chickenpox, are also forms of herpes. However, most people are infected with either Type I or Type II herpes, commonly referred to as HSV. HSV I and II are transmitted through physical contact and can appear on various parts of the body, though the most common forms are cold sores on the mouth or sores in the genital area. Despite differences in symptoms, the virus is virtually the same.
With 80% of the population having herpes, it’s safe to assume many people wonder how to tell someone they have the virus. If your partner has a large, blistery cold sore on their lip, you’re likely not going to want to kiss them. But what happens when the herpes is genital? You may be carrying a virus that, once transmitted, the other person can never fully rid themselves of. For people with genital herpes, life is often filled with shame, embarrassment, and discomfort. Many likely contracted genital herpes from a partner who didn’t disclose their condition. This is exactly how serious STDs spread from one person to another.
Before deciding how to tell someone that you have herpes, it’s important to keep a few things in mind. First, you are not alone! While you may feel embarrassed or ashamed, there is nothing you can do to change it now. What you can do is take responsibility for your actions. Having herpes doesn’t mean your sex life is over. After the initial outbreak, many people can manage the virus, predict flare-ups, and use medication to lessen the severity and duration of symptoms. And when you’re not having an outbreak, you don’t have to worry about transmitting it to a partner. Even so, telling someone can still be difficult!
The key to telling someone about herpes is to do it before having sexual contact. If you don’t feel comfortable enough to discuss herpes with your partner, chances are you don’t know each other well enough to be engaging in sex in the first place. You may be concerned that your partner will no longer want to be with you. And yes, that may happen. Some people hear the word “herpes” and immediately distance themselves, either out of ignorance, fear, or negative feelings about the virus. If this happens, there’s little you can do. Even if the relationship grows more serious, not telling your partner just prolongs the inevitable. It’s a risk you’ll have to take.
The next step is to set aside some private time to talk. Avoid having this conversation in a public place, like a restaurant. Arm yourself with plenty of information that you can share with your partner to help them understand the disease. Chances are, they’ve already been exposed to herpes or may even have it themselves without realizing it. Provide reading materials and give them time to process the information. Be ready to answer their questions and explain how you’re managing the condition and preventing its spread. Many people simply misunderstand herpes.
Once you’ve told your partner, you may notice they withdraw a bit. Some may not care at all because they love you and accept you as you are, while others may share that they also have herpes. Regardless of their reaction, you’ll know that you did the responsible thing by being honest before engaging in sexual activity.
Once the “cat is out of the bag,” you can continue with the relationship. Most couples find they can enjoy a fulfilling sex life despite herpes. There are no guarantees about periods of contagiousness or exposure that could lead to transmission. But as long as you’re honest and proactive about managing your condition, it really shouldn’t be a big deal.
Additionally, considering how many people have herpes, this should make you more conscientious about practicing safe sex. The virus can be transmitted from the mouth to the genitals and vice versa. This means that even something as simple as a kiss should be approached with caution when dating others.
Bottom line: If you have herpes, tell your partner. And if they need to share something important with you, make sure you’re informed before reacting. Herpes is extremely common, and chances are, it’s closer to your life than you might think.