How to Tell the Children You are Having a Baby

mom and her 3 year old

The happy news that you are going to have a baby may be exciting for you and your partner. However, this same news doesn’t always go over as well as expected with the children you already have. And really, why should it? When they hear you say, “I am going to have a baby,” what they hear is, “I am no longer going to be Mom and Dad’s favorite (or only—any other adjective you could insert).” Expanding your family, while a lifelong dream for some, isn’t always part of the preferred plan for your children. They may like things just the way they are and wonder why you would want more children when you already have them. This reaction can likely be traced back to the fact that children often don’t understand the expanse of parental love and see the new baby as something that deducts from their share, rather than something that provides benefits.

So how, when, and where do you tell your children that you are having a baby? Experts have differing opinions. Some say honesty is the best policy and that you should allow your child to partake in these gleeful moments right off the bat. When you are ready to share with close family members, they advise you to share with your children first. The thinking behind being open from the beginning is that children tend to get anxious when they feel Mom and Dad are hiding something from them. Their small minds won’t be able to understand why you didn’t just tell them and why you left them out of the loop for so long. Plus, by telling them early, you allow them more time to adjust to the idea of having a sibling.

Another benefit of spilling the beans about your little one is that it may help them understand why you haven’t been feeling up to snuff lately, why you’ve had to go to the doctor, or even why you’re sleeping a little more than usual.

On the other hand, some experts advise waiting. This isn’t a bad idea, especially if your children are under the age of three. The truth is, before age three, they don’t really “get” that you are carrying a baby in your belly. Even showing them pictures from when you were pregnant with them might not help, as the whole “baby inside Mommy’s tummy” concept can seem pretty far-fetched, making you seem more alien than real.

As for how you tell them, this can differ from parent to parent. If you have older children who understand pregnancy, it might be best to simply say, “Hey, by the way, I am pregnant,” while serving dinner and waiting for their responses. Alternatively, you could plan a big dinner out at a family favorite spot and turn the announcement into a family celebration. There isn’t one set way to handle the situation; you just need to know your kids and try to understand how they might be feeling.

Keep in mind that adding children to the family, especially if you have older ones, may lead to embarrassment for them. Some kids may feel extremely angry about the fact that another baby is on the way, particularly if they feel the family is crowded enough. Don’t be too hurt if they express painful feelings, suggesting that you’re crazy for wanting more kids. Some children might react with anger and show no excitement or desire to be included in the pregnancy talk. While the baby will come regardless, the adjustments afterward can still be challenging. You have to realize that the decision to have more children is yours, not your child’s, and they don’t have to love the idea (or even like it). Chances are they will come around after the birth, but even that may be a slow process.

Last but certainly not least, your children may experience fears and anxieties surrounding having a brother or sister. They might wonder if you will love them the same, if they will still spend time with you, or if you will still be around for them. Imagine how the thought of a parent having more children can make your child feel as if they are being replaced. Even though you know that’s not true, your child doesn’t. This is one reason why discussing it early and giving your child time to adjust to the idea can be so important. Experts even suggest that a family dog can get jealous of a new baby and might hurt it, so it’s essential to be compassionate about how a human being can feel.

You may also need to remind your child repeatedly just how much you love them (not that you don’t already). It’s normal for children to revert to more childlike behaviors once the news is shared. They often start acting out at home and in school as a way to get your attention. All of this is normal. Just be sure to keep reassuring your child and try to include them in the pregnancy as much as possible. Additionally, respect the fact that there will be times when they don’t want to talk about the baby at all and would prefer your full attention. Since this may be one of your last opportunities to focus entirely on them, indulge them.

When it’s all said and done, there’s no perfect guarantee that you will have the “perfect” family—mostly because it doesn’t exist. However, you will find that your child or children will eventually adjust to life with a baby. One day, they too will wonder how they lived so long without their little brother or sister, and all this worrying will be for naught.

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