When it comes to divorce, the hardest part is telling the other people in your life what is going on. For parents, this task can be incredibly difficult, especially when it comes to discussing the situation with children. The mere thought of broaching the subject can send many couples right back to an unhappy marriage. Divorce affects children differently, and often their reactions are based on both obvious and subtle cues from their parents. Chances are, the kids already sense that the marriage is in trouble, and the announcement of a divorce may even bring them some relief. However, figuring out how to tell the children you want a divorce is something that parents need to carefully consider.
First of all, make sure that you are definitely getting a divorce. Some parents, in the heat of angry moments, make announcements of divorce that are not valid. This can leave children feeling awkward and confused. Kids look to their parents for concrete answers and solutions to problems. If it seems like you can’t control your own emotions, your children may lose trust in you. If you and your spouse are sure about the decision, the best approach is to organize a family meeting where both parents can calmly explain, without tears, anger, or resentment, that a divorce is the best option for the family. During this conversation, keep the children’s needs at the forefront and emphasize that, while things will change, your love for them remains unchanged.
One aspect of divorce that few parents consider—especially for young children—is that kids might think if mom and dad can fall out of love with each other, they might stop loving them too. Children often struggle to differentiate between their parents as a couple and their parents as a family unit. If you don’t communicate to the children that they are loved and safe, they can lose their faith and confidence in love altogether.
Tell the Children the Truth
The second rule of thumb is to avoid lying. Your kids are smarter than you think, and sugarcoating the divorce will not help. Pretending that life will go on as usual will lead to disappointment. If you give kids the impression that everything will remain the same, they will expect the same life they have now, which is rarely the case when parents divorce. Telling the kids you want a divorce will prompt many questions and uncertainties that need to be addressed honestly. If they are aware of issues like custody, ask for their input, and make sure you are not putting them in a position to choose sides. Joint custody typically works best for children, allowing them to spend time with both parents. Many parents turn their relationship failures into a tug-of-war over the children, which can be one of the cruelest things a parent can do. If you need to vent or find someone to blame, talk to a friend who won’t be left with this emotional burden. Remember, the kids love both of you, and even if one parent seems unreasonable, your children have the right to adore them. Time will reveal the truth eventually.
When considering how to tell the kids about the divorce, it’s essential to have everything in order. This means that you and your spouse should already have decided on the details, such as living arrangements and which school the kids will attend. Keep in mind that children tend to be self-centered and will be most concerned about how the divorce affects them. If you provide clear, direct, and honest information, it will make the transition easier. This way, the kids will see that you are still taking responsibility for them and that their lives will not be disrupted excessively.
Parents often tell their kids they want a divorce without providing an explanation. They might think the children won’t understand or that it’s none of their business, but this is where they go wrong. While the intimate details of your relationship are not the kids’ concern, they should learn something positive from this experience. It’s crucial to discuss the reasons for the divorce and explain that you and your spouse will be better parents when not married. The children need to know that you tried to work things out, so they don’t view you as quitters. They also need to hear from both of you that the divorce has nothing to do with them. Kids often take responsibility for their parents’ issues, worrying that they caused the conflict.
Divorce is challenging for children. It signifies change and initiates a new life for both them and you, requiring some adjustment. Depending on how your child is coping, consider allowing them to participate in a support group with peers who have divorced parents. Be vigilant for signs that your children are feeling depressed or ashamed of the situation. Above all, make sure that both parents maintain control. Kids look to you for support and a strong foundation. If they perceive that you are losing control or acting unusually, they may feel insecure and take responsibility for your emotions. After all, if mom and dad can’t work things out, how can they trust anyone or anything else? The best way to mitigate this reaction is to have a plan and work together with your partner in the best interests of the children. Telling the kids you want a divorce is difficult, but it’s crucial to discuss it openly if divorce is imminent. Engage your child in conversation and encourage them to share their concerns. If you can navigate the first few months without conflict and maintain civility, keeping personal thoughts to yourselves, chances are your children will be just fine.