“Do as I say, not as I do!” Most adults, at some point in their parental journey, feel they’ve earned the right to use this phrase. After all, you are an adult. When you were a kid, you had to listen to the adults in your life. They would tell you not to use curse words, yet would curse like sailors in your presence, right? The truth is, most of us are hypocritical parents. And just as drinking ages are set for a reason, there are simply some things in life that you cannot do until you are a certain age—or at least living under your own roof, making your own choices, and dealing with your own consequences. Life is full of many moments that serve as rites of passage into adulthood. The bottom line is that children and adults are NOT created equal (for good reasons too!).
The problem is that, according to child development experts, most behavior is learned by modeling. You can certainly teach your kids manners, public conduct, and how to treat others. As a parent, you can even set boundaries about what is considered appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Yet, if you don’t MODEL these behaviors yourself, your children will take their cues on how to behave from you.
Case in point: Did you know that children who grow up with smoking parents are three times more likely to smoke as adults than kids who grow up with non-smokers? Did you know that children who grow up in welfare home environments are 40 times more likely to be low-wage earners themselves as adults and rely on government assistance? Did you know that over 50% of children growing up in homes with domestic violence will experience domestic violence in their own lives as adults? Statistics showing how children are more prone to modeling behavior are consistent across various life aspects, from the age of first childbirth to the chances of divorce and everything in between.
The Influence of Parents’ Actions
This seems to certify that, when it comes to parents and children, the apple truly doesn’t fall far from the tree. And how could it?
If your child grows up in an environment where negative things are considered “the norm,” how are they supposed to know better? Isn’t it a bit backwards to tell your child not to smoke, not to curse, not to be lazy if parents are modeling that exact behavior in their own homes day in and day out? While your child may not be allowed to do those things now, what is to stop them from thinking these behaviors are normal when they get older? How can children learn to do better than their parents if the behavior is never modeled for them? The answer is, they don’t!
Certainly, being a hypocritical parent is necessary for your child’s safety and well-being. There is no way to justify allowing your toddler to stay up all night watching television just because mom and dad do it. Your teenage son shouldn’t be allowed to smoke at 13, just because YOU do. It is a parent’s job to teach children right from wrong and to provide a home life that is consistent, filled with positive inclinations toward their future best interests. It’s important for parents to instill good values in their children and be a living example of the life they want their child to lead.
If mom is rude to waiters and waitresses, shows intolerance for other people, has inclinations toward racism, or walks around being angry all the time, it becomes difficult to avoid tolerating these same behaviors from their child. If you, as a parent, are sitting around eating junk food and candy bars for dinner, it’s somewhat conflicting to limit your child’s food choices to a healthy diet. After all, your children are watching you polish off a bag of Cheetos while watching television. What motivator do they really have to eat apples and go play in the yard?
The bottom line is that as a parent, you have to be completely aware that YOUR CHOICES IN LIFE BECOME YOUR CHILD’S CHOICES.
You also have to realize that while you may be blowing off hot air telling them the right and wrong way to live their lives, your children are WATCHING you and will eventually be modeling YOUR behavior.
True, you have earned the right to drink a beer or two (or 3 or 4) as an adult. You should be able to stay up as late as you want. You are entitled to use a curse word now and then. But the best thing for you to do is explain to your children why you make the choices you do, point out how your choices are responsible, and explain why things are okay for YOU but not for them. Saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” or “Because I said so,” does not help your children make positive choices for themselves later in life.
Nobody expects parents to be perfect and model flawless behavior all the time. However, as a rule, you should try to practice what you preach when it comes to your children. This will prevent you from adopting the hypocritical parenting oath that leaves your child confused later in life.
