Marriage is a dance between two people that takes a lifetime to perfect. The longer you live with someone, the more accustomed you become to their unique way of “dancing.” However, these idiosyncrasies and missteps can often lead to small arguments, bitter resentments, and irritating bickering. The issues that married couples fight over are not always divorce-worthy; they often stem from the day-to-day workings of household life.
You might disagree on how to wash the clothes, the best way to cut the grass, or whose turn it is to change the toilet paper roll. You may be frustrated that your spouse never fills the gas tank and leaves the car on empty, or that they constantly leave dirty dishes in the sink. The list of grievances is endless, and chances are you know it well. The problem is that when enough of these little irritations build up, even a minor disagreement can escalate into a full-blown argument. How do you end such disputes? By saying you’re sorry, of course.
But what happens when you’re not truly sorry? What if you say or do something that your partner finds objectionable, while you feel justified in your actions? When you steadfastly refuse to apologize because you believe you haven’t done anything wrong, is marital conflict inevitable? Can couples leap over this hurdle without resorting to insincere apologies? After all, marriage doesn’t mean you will agree on everything, nor does it mean that one way is inherently better than the other.
Many people, to avoid getting stuck in a sexless, passive-aggressive cycle, will apologize without truly meaning it just to move on. Others dig in their heels, refusing to apologize regardless of the consequences. Much of this stems from personality differences. When two strong-willed individuals are married, insignificant disagreements can lead to weeks or even months of marital strife. If no one can admit they are wrong, progress is impossible. But who says someone must be wrong? More importantly, who says that an apology is necessary to restore happiness in a marriage?
Can’t you just agree to disagree?
One of the most valuable assets in a marriage is recognizing that you can hold onto your convictions—especially regarding the small things, like the proper way to change the sheets or clean the kitchen—while still disagreeing with your spouse. Disagreeing and believing you’re right doesn’t have to spell the end of your relationship, particularly if you simply agree to disagree. There will be aspects of your life and marriage on which you won’t see eye to eye. No amount of arguing or reasoning will change that. When you realize you’ve hit one of those unresolvable points, the best course of action is often to let it go. No one should have to apologize for their own ideals and beliefs. Moreover, differing beliefs shouldn’t be a source of anger—especially over trivial matters. If you’re facing significant issues in the relationship, however, then a heartfelt conversation is necessary.
Be mindful that if a spouse offers a half-hearted apology merely to end the silent treatment or to resolve an argument, it may be a manipulative gesture. You wouldn’t want your spouse to say things just to keep the peace if they’re not genuine, and you shouldn’t accept an insincere apology.
If you find yourselves repeatedly encountering the same arguments without either of you willing to budge, it might be time to let go. Letting go of the “I am right, and you are wrong” mentality speaks volumes about the respect within the marriage. If you can achieve this, it demonstrates that while you may disagree with your spouse, you still love and respect them and value their opinions, even if they differ from your own.
Ultimately, couples must learn that marriage doesn’t instantly merge two individuals into one. Just as you had your own ideas, opinions, and ways of doing things before marriage, you retain those after. Apologizing—whether casually or simply to “move on”—shouldn’t be a prerequisite for a happy relationship. Two people can each be “right” in their own opinion, and no one should feel the need to apologize for that. If such disagreements threaten to break your marriage, chances are there are deeper issues at play than how to replace the toilet paper roll.
