The Overwhelmed Mother: A Call for Change
It’s everywhere: mothers venting on Facebook, at ball fields, on Instagram, during PTO meetings, tweeting on X, and commiserating about how exhausted they are from doing everything for their children. Many share that caring for an infant, where constant attention is expected, was easier than managing a tween or pre-teen who seems oblivious to life’s basic responsibilities. These mothers fear their children will enter adulthood unable to brush their teeth without reminders or throw trash in a bin instead of stuffing it into couch cushions.
It’s natural for mothers to do a lot for their children. Many cherish the role of caregiver. However, at some point—likely sooner than later—it’s crucial to recognize that you are their mom, not their personal assistant. As children grow, they reach milestones that require parents, especially mothers, to gradually hand over responsibilities. If your fourth-grader constantly forgets their book bag, lunch box, or homework, making multiple trips to school to rescue them only reinforces the problem.
Teaching Self-Care Through Consequences
If your pre-teen with braces, which cost a fortune, still needs reminders not to eat caramels, skips brushing their teeth, and requires frequent orthodontist visits that drain your time and money, it’s time to intervene. Children must be entrusted with self-care to learn it. Sometimes, this means letting them face consequences: missing an assignment, living in a messy room, wearing dirty clothes, or going hungry at lunch. These moments teach accountability.
A good mother isn’t defined by how much she does for her child. Helicopter parenting doesn’t equate to being more loving or concerned. Doing everything for your child—dotting their i’s and crossing their t’s—doesn’t reflect a superior maternal instinct. Instead, it risks raising a helpless adult who lacks confidence, struggles to succeed, feels entitled, and faces stress later in life.
A common misconception among mothers is that when a child calls their name or asks for help, everything else must stop. Parents often allow children to interrupt adult conversations or drop tasks to serve their kids. Some sociologists attribute this to guilt from the rise of two-working-parent households, but it also stems from how mothers define their role. Many believe a “good mother” never gets frustrated reminding their 11-year-old 785 times to pick up laundry or helps their child no matter the circumstance.
Your children were born to you, not to enslave you. The parent-child relationship evolves. Initially, they rely on you for everything, but their first steps and moments of independence show their capability. Holding onto their dependence to feel needed or to preserve your role as a mother does them a disservice.
Say no. Ask THEM to wait. Refuse to clean their rooms. Set expectations for living in your home. If they have a problem, don’t hesitate to say you’re busy and they need to find a solution. If they’re hungry, teach them to pour a bowl of cereal. Establish rules: dirty underwear not in the hamper doesn’t get washed. You might feel like you’re letting them down by not embodying June Cleaver, but you’re teaching them essential life skills.
If they resist, gently but firmly remind them: you are their mother, not their personal assistant.
