There is an anonymous quote that says, “Love is like war: easy to begin but hard to end.” Millions of people can relate to this. Falling in love—or at least feeling like you are falling in love—is the easy part. Making the relationship work and being able to conjure up the same feelings of love years down the road is not so easy. Countless individuals find themselves coasting through the comfort of a relationship, only to wake up one morning and realize they are no longer in love. However, the end is not as simple as telling someone, “I don’t love you anymore!”
Prophetic poets have long believed that love is a never-ending force. There’s a prevailing theory that if love exists at one point in your life, it is there to stay—forever. Perhaps this is why so many couples who know they are no longer in love choose to seek couples therapy. Yet, recreating the feelings that once connected two people is much like an adult trying to recreate their own childhood: not impossible, but extremely difficult. Love is a strange thing; it cannot be easily defined, is universally sought by nearly every living being, and arises from the metaphorical heart that exists in the brain. Scientists have long attempted to measure the chemical and physiological aspects of love in an effort to make it predictable and real, but they have not yet succeeded. Thus, the theories of love persist, driven by a whirlwind of emotions ranging from lust to need, and from desire to fear.
But what happens when you—or the one who is supposed to love you—decides that love is no longer there?
Is it time to get a divorce, to break up, or to seek greener pastures?
One of the most difficult aspects of marriage is that people enter it with preconceived notions of what it is supposed to be. They carry immense feelings directed at their partner, making the rest of the relationship feel like a letdown. Add a few kids, some bills, a grievance, an affair, or a constant fight about whose turn it is to do the laundry, and you have a recipe for relationship disaster. Let’s be real: it’s hard to love someone who is completely insensitive, selfish, or irresponsible. It is extremely challenging to maintain the passionate feelings you once had when you now see your spouse day in and day out—often in less-than-attractive lighting. But does this sense of complacency and comfort mean that love is gone, or simply that the blinders are off?
Since love originates in the brain, maybe falling out of love is just the brain realigning itself with common sense. Perhaps it is impossible to recreate that initial spark with a person. More importantly, before you decide that you have fallen out of love, consider the possibility that the love has transformed into friendship. Sometimes, friendship is safer and healthier, and it can even turn back into love given enough time.
People change. Undoubtedly, the person you are with today is not the same person you married. Whether you’ve been married one year or ten, you and your partner are different now. The feelings that were so fresh and new in the beginning, so full of dreams and promises, will naturally evolve. If the quote at the beginning of this article holds true, then there’s a good chance that your love has merely changed forms.
Too many people become addicted to the excitement and passion of relationships, which typically exist only in the early years of a union. Beyond that, couples must realize that keeping the flame alive takes work. Sometimes, no matter how often you try to reignite the fire, you may be left with only smoldering embers. These embers can be warmer than a blazing fire, and with some oxygen, they can reignite into a flame that burns stronger and longer than the one that first brought you together. Moreover, chances are that regardless of whom you choose to be with next, that relationship will also experience the letdown that follows the initial passion.
For many, the realization that they no longer love their partner is very real. Still, it’s a difficult thing for couples to accept. Falling out of love often feels like failure, betrayal, and disappointment. By the time couples recognize they have fallen out of love and don’t feel for their partner the way they want to, it is usually too late to change anything. It’s even worse to remain caught in a lie, preventing both partners from experiencing “real love” (if such a thing exists) from another person.
No one can discount the possibility of falling out of love; people do it every day. However, there’s also no way to know wholeheartedly that love won’t return in some form. Obviously, something brought the two of you together. Before you decide that love is gone and tell someone you don’t love them anymore, be certain that the relationship is something you are truly ready to let go of.
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I’m Not Attracted to My Wife Anymore