I Don’t Love Your Father Anymore

mother and daughter talk

What are you supposed to say to your children when you’ve decided that your marriage isn’t working? You’ve concluded that excusing yourself from the relationship will make you a happier person. However, in the process of realizing that you didn’t make the best choice for a life partner, you also had children. Suddenly, there are innocent bystanders—sometimes referred to as victims—who will suffer from the fallout.

Is it enough to just tell them, “Hey, by the way, I don’t love your father anymore”? Is it even fair to do so? At some point, your conversations and thoughts about divorce will have to be brought to the attention of your children. Chances are, they already sense something is going on but aren’t exactly sure what. Here are some things to consider.

Understanding How Divorce Affects Children

Inadvertently, children often feel as though they have to pick sides between their parents. They don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but through a divorce, they often try to keep both parents happy. Remember, just because you have fallen out of love doesn’t mean your child has. It isn’t fair to expect your child to see the flaws you see in their other parent, and it isn’t advisable to force them to pick sides. No matter how old your kids are, and no matter how much you think they can understand, remember that the divorce is YOUR personal business. Your children should still feel able to love both parents.

Another important thing to understand—especially if you have young children—is that they have always been taught that love is endless. How do you explain why they should love their neighbors and family members no matter how mean they may be, while you are choosing to opt out of a relationship due to love? Kids grow up believing in fairy tales where love has a happy ending. For children, love is unconditional and not supposed to end. So, when you announce the divorce and explain that you’re no longer in love with your spouse, expect them to be confused. This will be their first experience with the idea that love is not always eternal, which could shake their belief system and sense of security for a while. Understandably so.

Before you blurt out that you no longer love someone, ask yourself if this is truly the right way to explain things. Your kids desperately want you to love their other parent, and the truth is, many things have likely come between the two of you. But deep down, if something were to happen to this person, you would probably realize that some sense of love still exists. Instead of focusing on the loss of love, try to provide more concrete reasons for the divorce. You might explain that you and your partner can’t get along, or that you’re simply not happy with each other. By stating that the “love” is gone (which can be interpreted in many ways), you may accidentally put your child in an awkward position.

You should also remember that kids are inherently “me-oriented” and believe that the world revolves around them. Their first concern will likely be about how the divorce will affect them. Questions like: What will happen to their room, their toys? Who will take care of them? What school will they go to? The list of concerns about their lives after the divorce is one that you, as a responsible adult, should address before discussing your feelings about the marriage. Children trust their parents, believing that mom and dad have all the answers. If you can anticipate their questions and prepare answers about the things they’re most worried about, it can help ease the emotional impact of the divorce. It’s vital to maintain a sense of normalcy in your children’s lives and put their needs and security first. If you are feeling overwhelmed emotionally, try to stay composed when speaking to your children. Most importantly, have as many answers as possible before having “the talk.”

The truth is that many studies have shown that children raised in separate single-parent households often do just as well as children raised in unhappy marriages. Your kids live with you and have an inside view of the relationship, even if you think you’re hiding things well. When parents make efforts to become the happiest versions of themselves, their children will likely benefit as well. Additionally, it’s your job as a parent to model a healthy example of marriage so that your children can make informed choices when they are older. Any ending may initially feel restrictive and emotional, but over time, your children will understand the split if you maintain honest, open, and constructive conversations.

Finally, it’s important to make sure your children understand that you and your partner are no longer together, but that this does not mean their entire family has split. Things may be different from now on, but this doesn’t mean your child no longer has a family.

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