It’s inevitable. There will come a time when that picture-perfect child of yours—the one with the chubby cheeks and angelic eyes—looks at you with anger flaring from their nostrils and shouts, “I hate you, Mommy!” If you’re lucky, you won’t have to hear it for a very long time, and by then, their angelic appearance will have long since worn off. However, most parents encounter this heartbreaking slap in the face during the toddler or elementary years. Depending on your child and your reaction, you might hear it more than once.
In handling this situation, it’s crucial to set aside your own disheartened feelings for a few moments—not necessarily to “never let them see you cry,” but so you can clearly communicate that such language is not tolerated in your home.
Let’s discuss the best approach when you hear this from your young child. It might be because you refused to buy them a candy bar at the grocery store checkout (thanks to those marketers for placing them there). Or it could be because, at that moment, they believe you are being completely unfair. More often than not, it’s because they are frustrated, angry, overstimulated, or just plain exhausted. First, realize that children do not fully grasp the meaning of the word “hate.” They also struggle to understand the full depth of “love.” What they do understand is how they feel. In the moment they say they hate you, it stems from strong emotions they don’t comprehend, and they mistakenly see you as the cause.
So, rather than running off like a heartbroken teenager, stand tall. Use your best parenting voice to explain what’s going on. Start by being compassionate (which can be tough when your heart feels ripped out). You might say, “I know you’re angry that you can’t have the candy bar, but saying you hate me is hurtful and unacceptable language for our family.” This approach acts as mediation, showing that you understand their feelings while also making it clear that you won’t wilt under their emotional pressure.
Additionally, when a child says they hate you, it’s important to take the time to discuss the concept of hate. You don’t need to do this in the heat of the moment, but addressing it later is essential. Teaching your child the power of words is a crucial life lesson. They can’t take back what they’ve said, and even if they didn’t mean it, they should apologize. You don’t have to make them feel tiny, but you should help them understand the impact of their words and actions on those they care about. If you don’t, you risk raising a child who is righteous, angry, and disrespectful.
While discussing feelings, provide them with tools to express themselves. Sometimes, saying “you can’t do this” or “no” is necessary, but not offering other solutions can hinder their emotional development. Ask them how they felt in that moment, and explain that it’s okay to be angry and to express their feelings, but that saying they “hate you” is wrong. If they don’t seem overly concerned about your feelings, don’t worry too much—compassion for others develops over time.
As your child grows, you will expect them to understand the ramifications of their words. Many parents preach the “sticks and stones” philosophy, but that’s misleading. Why? Because words do hurt—often more than anything else. Pretending they don’t sends the wrong message. Instead, nurture a child who respects the feelings of others and uses their own emotions as a guide for how to treat those around them.
Older children will undoubtedly use the “h” word because they know it gets to you. Your teen, grounded for eternity and not allowed to attend the party of the year, may very well feel like they hate you. And they might even say it more than once (reminder: they don’t!). However, you need to establish rules and stick to them. Don’t question your judgment or decisions just because they’re trying to manipulate your emotions. Children learn early on that while parents seem to be in charge, they are constantly questioning their choices. This can easily be manipulated through statements like “I hate you,” “You’re not fair,” “You’re so mean,” or “You don’t understand.” If this tactic works, they will keep using it. If it doesn’t, they will eventually learn that their attempts to break your heart are not worth the guilt and suffering it causes them. And yes, they do feel bad about hating you.
Teenagers need parents, not friends. Just as they might hate some of their stricter teachers, they can also resent parents who enforce rules. Rather than being heartbroken by their words, see them as a sign that you are parenting effectively. You could even respond with a simple, “Thank you!” This can deter them from saying it again, as the last thing they want is for you to feel right or proud.
Arguing with a teen is like arguing with someone who’s intoxicated; it’s not productive to bring up the right or wrong of the situation when discussing whose turn it is to take out the trash. However, share the lesson when tempers cool down: we are all responsible for our words at any age. Once unleashed, hurtful words cannot be taken back, and their impact can be felt deeply. Luckily, for both them and you, there is forgiveness, which is another important lesson you can teach when they say things they momentarily feel but don’t truly mean.
