I Have Three Grandma’s – When Grandparents Remarry

Poor Miss Jenny. She handed each child in her 1st-grade class two sets of cards to prepare for Grandparents’ Day. As the big day approached, little Susie threw up her hands and declared that she needed more cards because she has three grandmas. Before Miss Jenny could explain further, she handed Susie another card, secretly hoping there wouldn’t be an elderly “catfight” during the Grandparents’ Day dinner in her classroom.

The reality is that many older people remarry, which means more children are growing up with more than two grandmas and grandpas. This extends the family dynamic to a whole new level and can often be more confusing for the adults than for the children.

The Changing Family Structure

When grandparents remarry, it’s only natural that they want their new spouse to share in the lives of their children and grandchildren. Many grandchildren come into this world knowing nothing else but the fact that they have three grandmas or grandpas. While they may ask questions early on about why someone isn’t married, they usually just accept things the way they are—provided their parents do the same. With divorce rates soaring, it stands to reason that many children in the next decade will have multiple grandparents in their lives, broadening their horizons and their families. So, how exactly do you explain this to children?

The best answer is to wait until they ask. Around the age of five, children often begin to wonder who belongs to whom in their life. They may want to know who your mom is and may not fully understand the concept of stepparents or “real” moms. Take a cautious approach and explain things in a way you think they’ll understand. After a simple explanation, most children will be satisfied with the answer. If you mention, for example, that “Grandpa Joe used to be married to Grandma Kate,” you might receive some very cute and uncensored responses, and that’s perfectly fine. Children don’t need to fully grasp marital issues or past relationships—they’re generally happy to have more people to spoil them on their birthday.

As a parent, it’s essential to welcome the new grandparent into your child’s life. You don’t have to like them, and you may still feel bitter about the divorce, but it’s important to act as if everything is okay in the presence of children. Kids are very sensitive to their parents’ emotions, and it’s unfair to place that responsibility on them. Sometimes, the most challenging part of grandparents remarrying is deciding what to call the new spouse. Should you call them “Grandpa” or “Grandma,” or will that offend the other grandparent who is now single? Often, kids will take care of this for you, coming up with their own names for each grandparent, which can relieve some of the discomfort around labels.

Of course, having three grandmas at Grandparents’ Day can be a little awkward. It’s probably not uncomfortable for your child, who will likely feel like the luckiest, most loved person in the room—but it could be for the grandmas. Hopefully, they too can act like adults and make the best of the situation. If they don’t, it’s up to YOU, as the parent, to manage the situation. It’s important not to put your child in the middle of any conflict between the grandmas. Consider planning separate birthday or holiday gatherings and try to divide time equally between all the grandparents.

Now, when grandparents remarry frequently—meaning your child may get a new grandma or grandpa every year, based on your mom or dad’s dating habits—it may not be wise to allow your child to get too attached. Similarly, if the new grandparent doesn’t have experience with children or doesn’t behave the way you’d expect, you have the final say on how much time they spend with your child. However, you should try to set personal feelings aside and always consider your child’s best interests.

When grandparents remarry, you have two choices: You can accept the situation and make the best of it, or you can choose to be upset and resentful. Often, even grown children forget that their parents have needs and desires that go beyond what children bring to their lives. If your mom or dad is happy in their new marriage and has something positive to share, it’s important to support them. If your child is fortunate enough to have three grandparents, then so be it. While you should still have a say in who attends Grandparents’ Day (for Miss Jenny’s sake), you should also be open to your child loving ALL of their grandparents, whether related by blood or otherwise.

The definition of family is constantly changing—it never stays the same. This is true for you, and it’s also true for your parents. Embrace the people in your life and allow them to enjoy your children, just as you do. The new grandma or grandpa brought into your life when grandparents remarry may not have been someone you would have picked, but it’s important not to let that keep your child from forming a relationship with them.