As a parent, you ask hundreds of questions every day. Do you want more juice? Are you hungry? Does your head hurt? Did you poop in your pants? Did you hit your sister with a stuffed bear? Where did you hide my car keys? Were you up all night texting? Did you forget to do your homework and get a zero for the assignment? Did you clean your room as I asked? Did you tell your coach that you couldn’t make practice tomorrow? And, of course, the most famous question of all: ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
Let’s face it—parents take the cake when it comes to nosiness and asking questions. In fact, most parenting experts recommend and encourage parents to ask as many questions as possible to stay in tune with their children’s lives and feelings. So, you ask questions often, one after the other, in hopes that your child will give you the answers you’re looking for. Sometimes, you even ask questions you already know the answer to, just to see if your kids are being honest. Yet, 90% (okay, more like 98%) of the time, the answers come as long, drawn-out, incredibly creative, yet indefinite responses that leave you more confused and frustrated than before you asked.
Seriously, folks—how hard is it to answer a simple question? And how many times do you find yourself saying, in a voice that resembles Darth Vader on steroids, “Answer the question. I want a YES OR NO answer!!!” (which probably just makes your kids cry)?
Why Kids Struggle with Simple Yes or No Answers
Why is it so hard to give a yes or no answer? In linguistics, asking a yes or no question is referred to as a polar question. Some language experts believe that how parents phrase the question makes a significant difference in how children respond. If children feel threatened by the question and think they might get into trouble for answering honestly, chances are high that you’ll get everything BUT a simple yes or no. For instance, if you walk into the bathroom and see toothpaste smeared all over the mirror, instead of asking your child, “Did you smear toothpaste all over the mirror?” (which you already know the answer to), ask them, “Why did you smear toothpaste all over the mirror?” This way, the child understands that you already know the answer, making them less likely to lie or make excuses.
For younger kids, linguistic experts recommend that parents offer a choice with every question. Rather than asking, “Do you want juice?” ask, “Do you want apple juice or grape juice?” Experts also suggest avoiding rhetorical questions. If you know your toddler did something wrong, rephrase the question so the truth is already assumed. Offering a choice allows parents to “cut to the chase,” so to speak, and can help avoid the long, drawn-out answers kids are prone to giving.
As kids get older, asking questions can become even more difficult. Sometimes, the coveted yes or no answer isn’t enough, and it prompts your child to provide incomplete information. Psychologists encourage parents to start with straightforward yes or no questions and then dig deeper to get more complete answers. Teens, notorious for withholding information, may feel that a simple YES or NO is sufficient when, in reality, it’s not the answer you’re looking for.
Often, when kids (or people in general) skirt around yes or no questions, it’s because they know their answer will cause dissension with the questioner. For this reason, parents need to ask questions in a calm, even tone. If you tend to raise your voice when asking a question, you’ll elicit an emotional response that encourages deception. In other words, your child already knows you’re upset or frustrated, and they don’t want to upset you further by giving the “wrong” answer.
Even adults struggle to answer questions honestly with a simple yes or no. The reason is simple: most people design their answers based on what they think the other person wants to hear. For example, if your spouse asks if you want Mexican food for dinner, you might answer with, “I don’t know, what do you want?” Essentially, this means you don’t really want Mexican food, but you want to respect your spouse’s wishes. Asserting yourself and giving a clear yes or no answer, based on what you truly feel, takes a certain level of self-confidence and self-esteem. This applies to kids as well. One of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the ability and freedom to answer questions honestly. As a parent, you may not like the answer you receive, but you’re at least fostering honesty, which should be acknowledged in your communications with kids.
The desire for a simple, straightforward yes or no answer is something every parent seeks from time to time. There are many instances when you need to make it clear from the start that your child has two choices and one chance to answer. Say, “YES or NO—did you clean your room?” If they try to give you a story, be quick to point out that the answer is simply yes or no, and stand firm in accepting nothing less.
