If I had a Nanny – Oh How My Life Would be Easier

It occurred to me today while I ran my dry and pathetic looking hands through my greasy unkempt hair that I have been wearing the same clothes for the past two days. Having done 9 loads of laundry in two days it certainly wasn’t because there was nothing clean in the house. Actually, the only thing not clean in my home is me and the living room floor; which is currently cluttered with toys and crumbs despite the fact that it was thoroughly vacuumed just two hours ago. I escape to the soft and fragrant place of my dreams where I think of all the things I could do and be…if only I had a nanny!

If I had a nanny the first thing I would do is read the stacked up books that hold up the lower left side of my bed – which subsequently broke from rambunctious bedroom play that didn’t even stop to consider sex. I would lie in that bed, with the covers to my nose and a candle lit reading entire pages of interesting literature without the hint of interruption. I would sleep in until 9am, (yes only 9 am) waiting to smell the sugary syrup being lathered on home made pancakes and listening to the footsteps that are no doubt headed to deliver me my breakfast in bed. The kids would serve me happy kisses with sugared coffee on the side and a baby wipe tucked under the plate just in case I dripped some of the sticky syrup on my lip.

My kids would be dressed in ironed shirts and jeans wearing socks that actually match with their gorgeous hair neatly stacked in ribbons on their head. If only I had a nanny! I would kiss them goodbye and hand her (the nanny) a crisp $100 dollar bill; instructing her to fill up the car, pick up some groceries and find the screaming, wiggling and annoying to shop with 2 year old some shoes that actually fit that can’t be pulled off while I’m driving. With the house to myself I would indulge in a long, hot and steamy rose smelling bubble bath, love songs softly playing on the radio. My only worry would be getting to my pedicure on time and making yoga class to catch up with my inner self and all the girls.

If I had a nanny I would definitely drive a 5 speed on the floor convertible over a mini van so I could feel the wind and bask in the warmth of the air that is supposed to be breathed. The interior would be white leather trimmed with wood and chrome. I would not store baby wipes, diapers and useless Happy Meal toys under the seats and no stray French fry would ever be found underneath the floor mats. Probably would think about having it waxed as often as the oil was changed, or allowing the nanny to take it in for me.

If I had a nanny I would go out on Friday nights with my husband. We would eat steaks before going dancing – staying in a hotel at night to avoid driving under the influence. In the morning we would come home to excited kids who never fight, the house would still be clean, the kids rested and nothing to do but be a family. Being the weekend, I would give the nanny off and we would play as a family non-stop for two days straight. Our time together would be all giggles, smiles and laughter and the children would be ecstatic to finally be spending quality time with me. I would take them to a movie, a theme park and out to dinner. We would shop for clothes or toys and spend Saturday night piled in my bed watching DVD’s until dawn. After all, without the house work and taking care of the kids during the week – I would certainly be well rested.

I would start the business I always dreamed of with no worries that the children would need tending to. While the nanny helped the kids with tedious math homework (she is just out of college anyway) I would cook divine meals without the hindrance of toddlers at my feet and no risk of burning the pasta (yes noodles) for being called away from the stove. If I had a nanny I would get the most wonderful gifts from my husband because he would not be the one picking them out. I would be the best dressed mom at the PTA meeting (maybe even president) and would always have shoes to match my outfits. My days would be spent riding horses, exercising to maintain my incredible body, gardening, cutting grass and lying poolside in the sun until the kids got home. As soon as they walked in the door they would get warm cookies and a wholesome snack. All of this would be experienced in the still and quiet that is a house without children. Aahhh bliss!

If I had a nanny my kids would always get one on one attention, never having to wait in line for a question to be answered and I would never feel overwhelmed, overworked and over tired. I would never be behind on laundry or house cleaning, never be catching up on email or forget to send my kids to school with lunch money. If I had a nanny I would be able to get two different kids in two distinctly different places at one precise time with ease without compromise. I would be equally prepared for the dance recital as the ball game and would have back-up to help me remember the things I seem to forget.

If I had a nanny my husband would come home to a hot meal and happy relaxed wife with the kids all tucked peacefully in bed. I would probably listen attentively and compassionately to the trials of his day with the kind of interest that most men usually want from their wives. He would find his dry cleaning picked up on time and would have endless access to passionate love making and would never find the bathroom to be without toilet paper.

As my hands go back to my hair I notice that I have lost an earring. I fumble with my ear lobe and look around the living room floor to see if I can find my jewelry. I end up having to skirt away crumbs, noticing new grape juice stains on the rug and shuffling the endless array of toys that seem to have leaped from the toy box. The TV is still playing cartoons – hours after the kids are asleep and a stray purple crayon mark speaks to me from the screen. If I had a nanny, I would be a lot of things but I probably would not be happy. As I begin to throw the toys in the toy box I find my daughters favorite bear tugged beneath the couch cushions. My husband is snoring in a recliner and I make way to the kitchen to begin to prepare breakfast and lunch for the morning ahead. The mini-van parked in the garage is out of gas and cluttered with junk and old food. Life in an instant seems perfect. With all the chaos there really is a quiet and still that can be found in my heart if not in my home. I wonder if instead of a nanny I just need a vacation. That way I could return to my not so perfect but lovely life conscious enough to always be able to count my blessings. The earring is nowhere to be found, but I smile as I imagine the baby finding it with ease in the morning, possibly even placing it in her mouth to see how it tastes, maybe even swallowing the back. If I had a nanny, I might always know where my earrings are but I would be lost without my heart and soul and the people who undoubtedly make my life whole.



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