The Unwanted Advice: Navigating Parenting in a Judgmental World
The moment the little pink line appears on your home pregnancy test, you suddenly find yourself thrust into the world of receiving unwarranted advice about parenting. It’s endless, often annoying, and usually uncalled for. The pregnant woman can barely make it through a shopping trip without someone—often a complete stranger—asking her whether she plans to breastfeed or if she’s eating enough dates. The bigger her belly gets, the more unsolicited advice she’ll receive. Much of it, especially for expectant parents, can be downright frightening. People will share stories about their miscarriages, their sister’s husband’s sister’s stillbirth, or the horrific 27 hours they spent in labor before being sliced open and having a C-section.
When Parenting Advice Turns Into Judgment
Really, is all of this necessary?
Once the baby arrives, every Tom, Dick, and Harry (and Harriet too) suddenly feels the need to share what they know. If your baby has a pacifier in their mouth, people will criticize your choice and tell you how to take it away. If you’re caught breastfeeding in public, you risk judgmental looks from strangers. And if you bottle-feed in front of a La Leche League member, you’ll likely be made to feel like the most selfish mother on the planet for not giving your child breast milk—nature’s bounty.
Sometimes, you just want to say, “If I want your advice on parenting, I will ask for it!” But most of the time, this advice comes from well-meaning friends and family, who are simply sharing everything they “know” about parenting based on their own perspectives. It’s hard to tell your great aunt or mother-in-law that you don’t want to listen to their advice. It’s considered rude to tell your sister-in-law off when she’s rattling on about parenting expertise, especially when her kids are wild at best. Then there’s your own mother, who, despite trying to help, insists on putting your newborn to sleep on their belly. If you hurt her feelings or think that your three weeks of being a mom can stand up to her 27 years of experience, you might find yourself without a babysitter—or friends. Sure, they’re trying to help, but why does it feel like they’re engaging in a game of “I’m a better mother than you are”? You can almost hear the “neener, neener, neener” in their voices.
Then there are the ever-popular parenting books that claim to teach you how to get your child to sleep at night or prevent your toddler from turning into a brat, among other things. Each book is endorsed by parents who have tested and tried the methods and by some expert with a Ph.D.—who likely doesn’t have children of their own, let alone a relationship that involves sex. And if you deviate from the methods outlined in the book, you’re made to feel like you’re destined to cause lifelong psychological problems for your child, ensuring years of therapy. How warm and cozy is that?
As kids grow older—and they always do—you’ll find that every time your child embarrasses you in public or makes a mistake, there will be someone there to give you advice. Sometimes it’s a friend or family member, with a hint of “I told you so” in their voice. Other times, it’s a teacher or principal who looks at you as though you’re pond scum. The truth is, our children—just like us—need to make mistakes in order to learn from them. That’s what growing up is all about.
The giving of unrelenting parenting advice is nothing new. The moment a man or woman (mostly women) become parents, they feel as if they’ve received their degree in parenting and can push their ideals onto everyone else. Parents, it seems, are one of the most judgmental groups of people on Earth, and they often believe that everything that happens with their child directly involves yours. Is it competition that makes parents this way? It’s hard to imagine that everyone truly wants to be helpful.
More likely, people throw out parenting advice recklessly because they too are seeking validation, wanting to confirm they’re good parents. They subconsciously think that if you do something they did and get positive results, it somehow adds credibility to their parenting methods. Most parents fail to realize that children aren’t cookie-cutter versions of each other; they come in all sizes, shapes, personalities, and mindsets. Every child is unique, just as every family handles things in an individual way. This is what makes our children—and us—unique.
With six million parenting websites online, all offering advice on how to raise children (one of the most natural things in the world), it seems that too many people are overthinking the whole parenting thing. Perhaps it would be wiser to return to a little something called intuitive parenting. Years ago, it was considered rude to talk to other parents about their children or offer unsolicited advice on how to raise a child. Today, it’s often the topic of conversation at the checkout aisle between strangers.
The best advice for all involved is to remember: when someone wants advice, they will ask for it. If they don’t ask, maybe it’s best to save your insight for someone else.
