What if our marriages were as honest and open as Jim Carrey’s character in Yes Man? Imagine, just for a moment, what would happen if your spouse could hear the inner chatter that usually has you biting your lip. Would your marriage last? Would it be better or worse?
From the outside looking in, many of us believe that we gain a life partner—a soulmate—when we say, “I do!” That one person you love and respect so much that you never have to pretend to avoid hurting their feelings. But then you get married, and instead of being honest, the words you say often become tainted with little white lies meant to protect your spouse from pain—and yourself from arguments. For instance:
“Honey, do you think I am fat?” And you reply, “As a pig… you need to lose weight FAST!”
Or…
“Babe, what has happened to our sex life?” And you reply, “Well, to be honest, the four-minute man you’ve become really isn’t worth me taking another shower!”
And what about…
“What the hell have you been doing ALL FREAKING DAY? The house is a mess!” And you reply, “Taking care of these little brats you call children and washing the streak marks from your underwear!”
The truth is that much of the banter between husband and wife is anything but honest. While we all know that we should respect one another, inside our heads, we have a whole different set of rules that allow us to think unfiltered and defy societal expectations. In most relationships, we learn which honest statements are okay to blurt out and which ones will lead to trouble—usually through experience. You begin to realize that talking about your sex life with your wife may lead to less intimacy, while discussing the household to-do list with your husband may push him to play more golf. Ultimately, whether married or not, we all want to exist in a world where we feel we are right 100% of the time. Not! Gonna! Happen!
Yet there’s something to learn from the thoughts we have about our relationships that we don’t voice—especially if those thoughts are a constant stream in your mind. Interestingly, by the time most people actually file for divorce, one spouse often admits they’ve been contemplating it for a long time. This raises the question: if they had shared their thoughts, would they still be sitting across a long table with attorneys dividing assets?
So, why aren’t we always honest with our spouse?
One reason is rooted in deep psychological studies. As we spend more time with someone, we start to believe we already know how they will react. Just as a dog learns to avoid an electric fence, we become conditioned to hold back our truths. The problem is that when partners think they know how the other feels, trouble brews. Experience can provide clues about how a spouse may react, and it also helps us learn how to elicit the responses we want. But how can you grow as a couple if you’re constantly clinging to preconceived notions about their reactions?
Spouses are also not 100% honest with each other because we all have a deep human need to maintain some autonomy in our lives. While we desire the joys of a healthy relationship, no one wants to feel responsible for sharing their thoughts 100% of the time with someone else. Being able to think things we can’t say allows us to cope with relationship stressors privately. The bottom line is that no husband or wife loves EVERYTHING about their partner, and marriages can only thrive when couples exercise self-control to avoid pointing out every single flaw or mistake. Some things are simply rude to say aloud—no matter who you’re talking to!
Relationship experts agree that maintaining some level of honesty with your spouse is crucial. This doesn’t mean saying, “Wow honey, your butt sure has gotten BIG,” or “Dear, what the heck happened to your hair?” Instead, we should remain honest about our levels of happiness and satisfaction in the relationship. The squeaky wheel often gets greased. If you’re withholding the truth about your feelings or how well (or not) the relationship is going, you risk setting yourself up for divorce when you could potentially solve the issue. If you feel you cannot talk to your spouse openly, consider finding an alternative method of communication, whether through a letter or email, to prevent building up intense resentments down the line. The key is not giving up on discussing what’s important with each other.
Perhaps an experiment is in order! See if you and your spouse can make it through one day of unfiltered conversation, saying the first thing that comes to mind. If you make it through day one and even a week, report back to us here at Professors House and let us know how it went! Just remember: the little disclaimer stating we do not accept responsibility for what happens AFTER this experiment is definitely in play.
