Importance of Hugs in a Marriage

Being physically close gives you countless opportunities to hug your spouse. These hugs can be spontaneous or deliberate. But when couples can’t be together because they’re on business trips or assigned to a foreign country, what do they do? They speak on the phone and whisper sweet nothings after discussing the late mortgage payment and the kids’ dental braces, or they sign off their e-mails with “hugs and kisses.”

When the man of the house, the breadwinner, gets downsized by his company, he comes home, looks at his wife, and says, “I could use a hug right now.” Or when the wife flubs her piano recital and breaks down in tears, the husband instinctively wraps his arms around her, holds her close, and says, “Everything’s okay. It’s only a piano recital. Your playing was brilliant.”

In his article Have You Hugged Anyone Lately?, Parveen Chopra quotes family therapist Virginia Satir: “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”

Call that a hug diet if you want, or a hug regimen—but 12 hugs a day for growth isn’t asking too much, is it? If you were to spread those 12 hugs out over the course of a day, the frequency might look like this:

• Hug #1: Upon waking in the morning (some couples like to make love first thing, so already, that’s equivalent to 12 hugs).
• Hug #2: Before hopping into their respective cars and heading off for work.
• Hug #3: Lunchtime.
• Hug #4: Tea time.
• Hug #5: Right before dinner.
• Hug #6: After dinner (when one says, “Great meal, hon, thanks!”).
• Hug #7: While doing the dishes together.
• Hug #8: While watching your favorite comedy show.
• Hug #9: During a late-night snack.
• Hug #10: In the shower (if you like taking showers together).
• Hug #11: Saying goodnight.
• Hug #12: Deciding the night’s still young, so you make love.

You might say, “That’s a bit much. It just doesn’t happen. Husbands and wives don’t hug that often, even if they’re newlyweds, and that could become a tiring schedule.” We get it, so how about trimming that down to just 8 hugs? After all, Virginia Satir does say that 8 hugs are enough to maintain a relationship.

Dr. Miriam Stoppard, a UK doctor, also suggests that the secret to a happy marriage is to give your spouse 4 hugs a day. You might be saying, “Okay, that’s more like it.” But whether it’s 2, 4, 6, 8, or 10, the core truth remains: hugs are a natural remedy for relationship ills, a boost to one’s immune system, and a powerful yet safe painkiller.

Are You Hug-Deficient?

Asking “Why hug?” is like asking “Why drink water?” Water keeps us alive. Didn’t a scientist once say that a human being can survive without water for 72 days? Hugs keep us alive too. They sustain a relationship and erase the day’s problems and frustrations.

The science of touching has intrigued researchers for decades. Touching a stranger can invite trust and honesty. Now, imagine if you touched your spouse several times a day. They say the more you hug, the more trust you feel and the more honest you become with your feelings.

We once watched a documentary about orphans in Eastern Europe who had been abandoned. As babies, they were placed in orphanages and left in their cribs for hours without anyone attending to them. When these orphans grew older, they had significant behavioral problems, with some showing apathy, resentment, and even physical violence.

In a separate study, infants who were not touched had died from a disease called Marasmus. This Greek term means “wasting away.” From a medical perspective, Marasmus is most commonly associated with children in developing countries who suffer from nutritional deficiencies during infancy. These deficiencies lead to gastrointestinal disorders and infections. One component of Marasmus is PEM (protein-energy malnutrition).

However, it’s also plausible that Marasmus is linked to a lack of human touch. Without physical contact, a person may wither and waste away.

The Importance of Hugs in Marriage: Benefits

One cannot deny the benefits of hugging in marriage. When you hug your spouse, you’re communicating non-verbally. You’re transmitting powerful, sincere messages like:

• You’re the most important person in my life, and I love you;
• Whatever your problem is, I’ll be there for you every step of the way;
• You’re attractive; you light up my fire;
• I feel serene being with you. Thank you for being not only a spouse but also a friend;
• I appreciate everything you do for me;
• You and I are special; it’s you and me against the world;
• You fill me with love and faith; you make me drunk with happiness;
• I trust you;
• I accept you and everything about you: your wrinkled pajamas, your high cholesterol, and your penchant for video games;
• You make me feel so young;
• I’m the luckiest person in the world because I have you.

Hugging produces positive brainwaves, reduces stress, and lowers anxiety levels. It’s the most natural cure available. It’s potent, habit-forming, and—best of all—has only positive side effects.

You know what’s one of the most beautiful sights in the world, apart from the Himalayas and the Pyramids of Egypt? It’s a couple in their 70s hugging in public, oblivious to the world around them, staring into each other’s eyes like it’s the first time.

On a final note (and this is addressed to the men): When your wife or girlfriend asks for a hug, it doesn’t mean she wants sex. You know how some women just want to cuddle, especially when they’re feeling low and insecure? Please don’t read it as her version of foreplay. She really only wants to cuddle and hug because she’s thirsty for your reassurance. Don’t ruin that special type of intimacy by thinking ahead to your favorite Kama Sutra position and trying to remember where you put the box of condoms.

The Canadian Oxford Dictionary defines a hug as: “a strong, especially affectionate clasp with the arms; to squeeze tightly with one’s arms.” Don’t let your imagination run wild—there’s no hidden agenda here. Sex is not implied between those lines.

“Love is not measured by how many times you touch each other, but by how many times you reach each other.”
— Cathy Morancy

Reach out and touch your spouse. Last time we checked, it’s still free!