In-house separations can be especially attractive for both financial reasons and for being less disruptive to children. Parents can continue to be available to their children daily while they figure out what to do with their relationship.
In-house separations are usually short-term and offer couples a cool-down period during particularly intense times of conflict or crisis. They typically work best when one or both partners simply need space to sort out their feelings and decide whether to detach or have minimal contact for a brief period. This kind of separation often happens naturally in many relationships during high-stress times or when one or both partners want space for various reasons. Sometimes, during periods of conflict, partners will detach to cool down and regain perspective on the relationship. What’s important in an in-house separation is that each partner works toward adjusting expectations of the other for a period of time.
I always caution my clients that it’s crucial to establish clear guidelines and ground rules for an in-house separation. Without these, it can create increased tension within the home. Some couples choose an in-house separation while they are waiting for a physical one. This can work, too, as long as the ground rules are clear.
For an in-house separation to work, you must be able to at least tolerate seeing and being in the presence of your partner. You must also agree that you can act civilly around each other, as you will still need to take care of family responsibilities. If you agree to this type of separation, however, you can use it to learn how to handle the feelings that surface when your partner’s behavior triggers a reaction in you.
I teach partners and couples how to disengage from conflict situations. Not only can they prevent conflict, but with some distance and time, they can learn to re-engage and perhaps have meaningful communication instead of fighting.
Risks of In-House Separations
This type of separation is not advisable if you or your partner are so angry that you cannot be civil or control yourselves. If either of you is very emotionally dependent, an in-house separation can be particularly challenging. However, the challenge can be just what you need to learn to rely more on yourself and to discover what you really want from your partner. One of the downsides of in-house separations is that they can be used as a way of avoiding problems or punishing your partner. For this and other reasons, I strongly advise seeking counseling together during the separation period. The last thing you want to do during a separation is exacerbate an already negative pattern of distancing and poor communication. You must eventually learn to communicate with each other again about your wants, expectations, and whatever else is fueling the conflict in your relationship. You will also need to learn how to detach and reattach after periods of conflict.
It’s clear that working on self-reliance, care, and management during periods of distance and fallout with your partner is essential. During conflict, you are often emotionally on your own! Of course, an in-house separation is the least costly of separations, as no one has to bear the expense of moving or financing two households. Additionally, both partners remain available to their children as usual.
In Short, In-House Separations Are Most Effective If:
- They are short-term (three months or less) with agreed-upon time frames.
- Both partners are willing to identify and take responsibility for their part in the conflict and agree to distance themselves, detach from each other, and learn to control anger and conflict while living under the same roof.
- Ground rules are established and agreed upon so that family tasks and chores, childcare, meal times, social events, etc., can be carried out smoothly.
- Both partners agree on temporarily lowering and/or eliminating expectations of each other, and are very clear about necessary discussions regarding children, finances, and important family issues, versus personal issues between the couple, such as sleeping separately, affection, sex, and emotional sharing and communication.
- There is a plan to review what each partner has learned during the separation period and to decide what the next steps and goals will be for the partners and the relationship.
To summarize, in-house separations can be useful for both financial reasons and being available to children, provided the partners can agree to the terms and manage conflict effectively.
