When my husband and I got engaged in our early twenties, we foolishly did not discuss the possibility of having kids one day. I’m quite sure we didn’t even give children a second thought at that time in our lives. We were practically kids ourselves—self-centered pleasure-seekers who didn’t consider others at all, let alone entertain the idea of creating people of our own to care for. We were living in the moment and just wanted to be married.
Several years later, my brother and his wife had their first child. I babysat my sweet nephew every once in a while, and it was only then that I realized I’d like to have children of my own. My husband didn’t seem to mind either way, so we stopped trying not to get pregnant. It didn’t take long for us to conceive our first child, a girl, and we would ultimately go on to have two more daughters.
Changing Minds About Children
I think our situation is fairly typical. In our society, you grow up, get married, and have kids for the most part. And that’s just the way it is. Even if a couple doesn’t discuss the possibility of having kids, it’s assumed they probably will one day, and they cross that bridge when they get to it. However, some couples do decide before marriage that they don’t want to procreate, and even seek out a mate with a similar viewpoint. This is becoming more common as people put their careers first and marry at an older age.
So, is it fair for the person you married to change their mind about wanting kids, even if they originally promised they didn’t? This can be a very difficult question to answer, as many factors come into play. Sometimes people mature and evolve, and the way they felt when they were younger no longer holds true. Other times, people get caught up in the excitement of their peers starting families and want to follow suit. It may also be that one’s love for his or her spouse grows so much over the years that having a child as an expression of that love feels like a natural next step.
If your husband or wife has changed their mind about wanting kids, and you’re the one who has stuck to the original plan of not having children, there are several things you can do. First, give yourself some time to see if you change your mind as well. Ask your spouse to be patient and allow you to try to get on board with their new outlook. Remind them that nagging, persuading, and insisting will only be counterproductive. Second, you could possibly come up with a compromise and agree to have just one child. Or, you can ask your spouse to give you a period of time to accomplish things you’d like to try while kid-free, such as traveling or renovating a house, before trying to conceive.
If you’re the one who changed your mind and decided that you want to have kids after all, you must give your husband or wife time and space to come around to your new point of view. Having a child is more life-changing than anyone can possibly imagine. You can’t go back to how it was before. Things will never be the same. This can be terrifying to someone who isn’t interested in reproducing and who loves their life and marriage just the way they are. Fear of the unknown can prevent a lot of people from making the leap from being a childless couple to a family of three or more. You must acknowledge your partner’s feelings on this matter and understand that you originally agreed to remain childless. Ultimately, marital counseling may be the necessary nudge to get both of you on the same page, whether that’s yours or your mate’s.
Even more complicated is when one’s husband or wife changes their mind about having children after one member of the couple has been surgically sterilized. Often, these procedures can be difficult, costly, and even dangerous to reverse, especially for women. If both husband and wife are on board with having children, they will need to consult a medical professional about restoring their fertility. Otherwise, adoption is an option to explore.
It’s always best to discuss important matters with your fiancé, either before you’re engaged or during the engagement period. Topics like finances, where you’ll live, workload, possibly caring for extended family or in-laws, etc., should all be talked out, agreed upon, and possibly written up in a friendly contract that you can refer back to if necessary. And yes, most importantly, procreating should be discussed. This is the most important subject to consider, as it will involve the two of you, plus the child or children who may eventually come into the picture.
One of the secrets to a successful marriage is flexibility. Realize and embrace that the two of you will evolve and grow over the years. It’s foolish to expect your love to remain stagnant or as small and shallow as it was when you first fell for each other. Allow your love to grow big and deep. People change, hopefully for the better, and their viewpoints might also shift. Knowing this before you walk down the aisle is crucial to enjoying a healthy marriage. If you’re rigid and unwilling to adapt to the natural changes of married life, you might want to reconsider getting married in the first place. However, it’s also unfair for someone to make a complete 180-degree turn on major topics that you both agreed on initially. If you can’t come to a compromise on a vital decision like having children, then seek counseling. There’s always hope!