Marriage brings with it all the unexpected turns and plots that make for awesome primetime television. Almost as quickly as we feel complacent and safe in a marriage, the next bend in the road bring us to a cross roads where we wonder from deep within how we got into this mess and whether its worth trying to get out. By then, you take a look around at mortgage and car payments, children in the yard and a network of family and friends that are rooted in the marriage and the thoughts of leaving seem trivial, regardless of the reasons why. After all, everyone has their share of problems and most of the things any given couple experiences in a marriage are not uncommon or necessarily unsurpassable. Still, dealing with personality idiosyncrasies, dishonesty, cheating, boredom, unchanging routines and stressors from day to day life can make married life miserable and you have to wonder is all this stuff worth a divorce?
The person you are married to right now is more than likely a totally different one than you kissed after you said your vows. For many reasons, this can be a good thing. The human spirit is continuously growing and with each new endeavor that a married couple faces – the face of the marriage changes with it. In the midst it can feel debilitating but looking back you can more than likely see that in due time, things worked out okay. Balance was restored. Of course, this balance takes some give and take from both sides of the partnership and often there is one person who is more lenient than the other is.
Other marital conflicts like lying or cheating may take a little more time to get used to. There are plenty of men and women who immediately make decisions to end a marriage the minute they found out about a lie or infidelity. There are others who work through the sore spots and try to pull the pieces back together. Much of how you handle big deal breakers has to do with how much the sanctity of marriage means to you. There are many people who cannot live with the idea, thought, or inkling of infidelity – while others are looking at a broader picture and the future. Is it worth a divorce? Clearly, a personal answer that is dictated by knowing yourself and what you feel you can learn to live with.
Still, it seems that the majority of marriages end for no specific reason. Suddenly and abruptly one person just decides that they aren’t happy. The truth is that they have been going through the motions for years on end and wake up one morning with a full strength supply of selfishness that is driven by blame and resentment for their partner. When a woman reaches this point – it is quite simply too late. The problem is that if your partner has taken advantage of you or made you feel like a second-class citizen in your marriage for a long time – it is YOU WHOALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN! No one forced you to sit by and swallow or take in things that don’t make you happy. You may have allowed things to be the way they are because you had small children at home or because you aren’t much of a fighter – and now suddenly your spouse is up against years and years of piled up resentment. This pile is so big in fact, that try as they may they will never get through it. Yet – what is the benefit to a divorce?
It can be trite or even naïve to say that love always prevails. When you have had enough, of all it – and are considering calling the whole thing off you have to decide what it is the end of this relationship will bring you. Will it satisfy your soul and self worth after you were the one sabotaging it for years? Will the future be brighter if you move on to a new world or even a new person? And, what are the chances that your next soul mate won’t bring the same trials and tribulations that this one did? If you love your spouse – perhaps its worth looking at things in a different light. Try to figure out your own feelings and then ask yourself is quitting really the only answer available that will make you happy in the long run? Even more importantly, are leaving the toilet seat up, spending too much on clothes, hiding a credit card bill or being married to a person who has no communicative skills really the end of the world? Is it so bad, that it is worth a divorce?
One of the biggest problems with people in general is that as we make mistakes we often don’t learn from them. We find ourselves stuck in the same sticky situations time and time again because we don’t take the time to ingest the lesson and make it personal. It is easy to blame someone else for our troubles (especially a marital partner). It is also a breeze to feel a reckoning coming on and assert your new position on life as though you don’t care about how it affects another soul. The problem is this little selfish streak or kick of self-esteem building doesn’t always last that long and by the time the wind is out of your freedom sail – you won’t have anything left to return to! Then what? What happens is you find yourself back to square one, maybe with someone else – or reeling in the painful world of dating and still have not taken any time to actually work on your own flaws and idiosyncrasies that no doubt played a large part in your initial unhappiness. In other words – No matter where you go – there YOU are!
So is it worth a divorce?
In the heat of the moment the answer to this question will feel like yes, absolutely, 100%! But ask many divorcees what they got divorced over and they will admit that often, the real struggle was never even discussed and a ploy – like a lie or indiscretion – is used as the purple elephant that triggers the divorce. This comes from years of looking for excuses to explain your own unhappiness and finally grabbing on to the one or two things that seem acceptable to the rest of the outside world. After all – if you are divorcing you want others to agree with you. Before you jump head first into a new world, be sure that you place things in perspective and ask yourself if divorce is the answer you are looking for. In the scope of life, few things are quite as awful as we first perceive them to be and sometimes, time can be your best friend. Especially in a marriage.