Marriage brings with it all the unexpected turns and twists that make for awesome primetime television. Almost as quickly as we feel complacent and safe in a marriage, the next bend in the road brings us to a crossroads where we wonder, deep within, how we got into this mess and whether it’s worth trying to get out. By then, we take a look around at the mortgage and car payments, children in the yard, and a network of family and friends rooted in the marriage. The thought of leaving seems trivial, regardless of the reasons why. After all, everyone has their share of problems, and most of the things any given couple experiences in a marriage are not uncommon or necessarily unsurpassable. Still, dealing with personality idiosyncrasies, dishonesty, cheating, boredom, unchanging routines, and the stressors of day-to-day life can make married life miserable. You have to wonder: is all this worth a divorce?
The person you are married to right now is more than likely a totally different one than the person you kissed after you said your vows. For many reasons, this can be a good thing. The human spirit is continuously growing, and with each new endeavor a married couple faces, the marriage itself changes. In the midst of it all, it can feel debilitating, but looking back, you can likely see that in due time, things worked out okay. Balance was restored. Of course, this balance takes some give-and-take from both sides of the partnership, and often, there is one person who is more lenient than the other.
Other marital conflicts, like lying or cheating, may take a little more time to get used to. There are plenty of men and women who immediately decide to end a marriage when they find out about a lie or infidelity. There are others who work through the sore spots and try to pull the pieces back together. Much of how you handle these deal-breakers depends on how much the sanctity of marriage means to you. Many people cannot live with the idea, thought, or inkling of infidelity, while others look at a broader picture and the future. Is it worth a divorce? Clearly, that’s a personal answer dictated by knowing yourself and what you feel you can learn to live with.
Still, it seems that the majority of marriages end for no specific reason. Suddenly and abruptly, one person just decides that they aren’t happy. The truth is, they have been going through the motions for years and wake up one morning with a full-strength supply of selfishness, driven by blame and resentment for their partner. When a woman reaches this point, it is, quite simply, too late. The problem is that if your partner has taken advantage of you or made you feel like a second-class citizen in your marriage for a long time, it is YOU WHO ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN! No one forced you to sit by and swallow things that don’t make you happy. You may have allowed things to be the way they are because you had small children at home or because you aren’t much of a fighter. Now, suddenly, your spouse is up against years of piled-up resentment. This pile is so large that, try as they might, they will never get through it. Yet, what is the benefit of a divorce?
It can be trite or even naïve to say that love always prevails. When you’ve had enough of it all and are considering calling the whole thing off, you have to decide what the end of this relationship will bring you. Will it satisfy your soul and self-worth after you were the one sabotaging it for years? Will the future be brighter if you move on to a new world or even a new person? And, what are the chances that your next soulmate won’t bring the same trials and tribulations that this one did? If you love your spouse, perhaps it’s worth looking at things in a different light. Try to figure out your own feelings, and then ask yourself: is quitting really the only answer available that will make you happy in the long run? Even more importantly, are leaving the toilet seat up, spending too much on clothes, hiding a credit card bill, or being married to someone who has no communication skills really the end of the world? Is it so bad that it’s worth a divorce?
One of the biggest problems with people in general is that, as we make mistakes, we often don’t learn from them. We find ourselves stuck in the same sticky situations time and time again because we don’t take the time to ingest the lesson and make it personal. It’s easy to blame someone else for our troubles (especially a marital partner). It’s also a breeze to feel a reckoning coming on and assert your new position on life as though you don’t care about how it affects another soul. The problem is, this little selfish streak or burst of self-esteem doesn’t always last long, and by the time the wind is out of your freedom sail, you won’t have anything left to return to. Then what? What happens is you find yourself back at square one, maybe with someone else—or reeling in the painful world of dating—and still have not taken any time to actually work on your own flaws and idiosyncrasies, which no doubt played a large part in your initial unhappiness. In other words—no matter where you go, there YOU are!
So, is it worth a divorce?
In the heat of the moment, the answer to this question will feel like yes, absolutely, 100%! But ask many divorcees what they got divorced over, and they will admit that often, the real struggle was never even discussed, and a ploy—like a lie or indiscretion—is used as the purple elephant that triggers the divorce. This comes from years of looking for excuses to explain your own unhappiness and finally grabbing onto the one or two things that seem acceptable to the outside world. After all, if you’re divorcing, you want others to agree with you. Before you jump headfirst into a new world, be sure to place things in perspective and ask yourself if divorce is the answer you’re looking for. In the scope of life, few things are quite as awful as we first perceive them to be, and sometimes, time can be your best friend—especially in a marriage.
