Attending marriage counseling has become a popular trend among new-generation couples who feel committed to their marital vows yet seem lost at sea when it comes to their relationship with one another. Statistics show that around half of all marriages are doomed to fail. This statistic remains consistent, whether couples seek out marriage counseling or not. In fact, according to some research, going to a marriage counselor may just be the beginning of the end for a marriage.
Today, there are hundreds of thousands of couples seeking marital counseling, and just as many counselors willing to mediate your relationship. The reasons for seeking marriage counseling can range from a vague relationship disconnect to as distinct as an affair. Regardless of the reason for attending, the truth is that both partners have likely decided that they have irreconcilable differences that they cannot solve on their own. Most often, one spouse convinces the other to attend counseling. The problem arises if the second spouse doesn’t genuinely want to go or doesn’t believe in counseling—it often ends up being a waste of time and money.
The Process of Marriage Counseling
Typically, marriage counseling works like this: you meet with the counselor as a couple first. The counselor listens attentively to the issues in the marriage, taking in both partners’ perspectives. From this discussion, the counselor can gather important information and begin to understand the personalities involved, which may be contributing to the disconnect. Next, most counselors will suggest that each partner meet with the counselor privately. This gives each person an opportunity to speak their mind without feeling the need to censor their words and emotions. After these individual sessions, the counselor has more information to work with and can assess the personalities involved and the underlying issues. The final phase typically includes a plan to improve communication between the couple, with specific actions for each partner to take both together and individually in an effort to ‘heal the marriage.’
Perhaps one of the biggest challenges with marriage counseling, or counseling in general, is that people often want quick answers. They want their marriage fixed right away, but most aren’t truly committed to doing the work required to make things right. In couples counseling, it’s common for one person to seek validation, wanting a stranger to confirm that their feelings and actions are justified, which only perpetuates the cycle of blame. Unfortunately, as long as any one person in the couple desires to “be right” rather than to heal, counseling is unlikely to succeed. Counseling is about moving forward, not dwelling on the past. It’s about forgiving, letting go, and learning to move forward together. For many people, especially when emotions are raw, this is an incredibly difficult process.
So, if marriage counseling isn’t guaranteed to work, why do people continue to go? The answer is simple: divorce has significant impacts on many areas of life, from financial wellbeing to family relationships. Often, it’s easier to stay together. There is also a sense of guilt that comes with a marriage going from better to worse. Couples want to feel the way they did when they first fell in love, and they want to be able to say they tried everything to save the marriage. For many, divorce feels like a failure they would rather avoid, and marriage counseling provides a kind of life preserver.
Before you spend time and money on a marriage counselor, it’s important to consider your relationship with honesty. The reality is that most people don’t change just to meet the needs of someone else. Deeply ingrained personality traits are often at the heart of relationship issues. A couple can love each other deeply but still struggle to get along. You should also evaluate whether you truly want counseling and whether you’re committed to making the relationship work or if you’re just trying to exhaust all avenues before calling it quits. Contrary to popular belief, divorce is not always the easy answer; it can often be the most difficult path to resolve long-term marital problems. Consider your happiness carefully. Is going to marriage counseling just grasping at straws that no longer exist? Can you truly move past the issues you’ve faced, or are you just seeking validation for your feelings?
Ultimately, whether or not to go to marriage counseling is a personal decision. While it may work for some couples, others may find it ineffective. Only you and your spouse know how much effort you’re both willing to put into the marriage. And only YOU truly know how you feel on the inside. It’s also important to remember that marriage is about love and respect—two elements that can often be lost along the way. If these values still exist in some form in your relationship, there might be something worth saving. If not, it might be time to seek individual counseling and learn how to live happily again.
