In many ways, it is ironic that so many people choose to get married each year, especially since divorce rates are at an all-time high. Regardless of where you look in mainstream society—whether in the media or at your neighbor down the street—there is evidence that the hopes and dreams of matrimony seem to be little more than fleeting fantasies fueled by passion. Today, it is estimated that over half of all marriages will end in the first ten years, and an additional 25% will end within 20 years. While there are no solid statistics on how many people are actually happily married, chances are these numbers are even more depressing.
Sanity tells us to pause and ask: Is marriage for life a realistic expectation?
Evolutionary biologist David Barash wrote two insightful books on the matter, entitled Strange Bedfellows and The Myth of Monogamy, both of which explore the reality of monogamy for humans. The conclusion seems to be that while most people can maintain a long-term relationship with one person, that “one person” can change several times throughout a lifetime. In other words, while marriage for life to a single individual is possible, it is not a reality supported by evidence regarding the human spirit. Interestingly, this perspective makes sense.
For one thing, the average age of individuals getting married today is 24, which is up by seven years from just two decades ago. With people marrying so young, it is only natural that their maturity levels, life goals, and future outlooks will change their ideals of a perfect partner. Every human being is in a constant state of growth that involves not just the body and mind, but emotions as well. Suffice it to say that just as you aren’t the same person at 24 that you were at 14, you won’t be the same person at 44 that you are at 24. This evolution changes what you look for in a partner, what satisfies you in a life partner, and ultimately who your life partner is.
Another modern manifestation that undermines the idea of marriage for life is that divorce is becoming mainstream and accepted by society as a whole. In the past, many unhappy couples stifled their emotions, engaged in extramarital affairs, yet remained married because they felt they had no choice and feared social ostracism. Today, at the first sign of unhappiness or discontent, couples are more willing to sever their marital ties and move on, often to another person. Unfortunately, this secondary relationship, while monogamous and potentially leading to marriage, has an even lower chance of lasting than the first, according to statistics.
For many people, the answer to the question of marriage for life is accepting the fact that humans are not monogamous creatures by nature and engaging in what is considered an “open marriage.” In open marriages, also called polyamory, couples stay together and enjoy the benefits of marriage while being honest about relationships with other partners, whether of the opposite or same sex. Marriage therapists are divided on whether this approach is healthy, although they admit that many couples participating in open marriages seem to lead happier, more fulfilled lives. Most couples who engage in open marriages or swinging acknowledge that while they love their spouse as a life partner and do not want to end the marriage, they accept the need for a broader range of emotional, physical, and even sexual contact that one person cannot provide.
For obvious reasons, polyamory is not widely accepted in society, although it is estimated that around 10% of all marriages are secretly “open.” Relationship experts who study couples in these arrangements cannot deny that while these marriages may differ from traditional ones, the participants often demonstrate better communication skills and lead happier lives than many monogamous couples. According to a website aimed at making open marriages work, approximately 87% of couples in open marriages report having trusting and loving relationships that defy today’s divorce statistics.
Marriage is both a religious and cultural vow that two people make to one another. One of the reasons many couples struggle to stay together is that they enter marriage with unrealistic expectations, driven by intense love and passion, which inevitably fades over time. For many, it is this initial feeling of love and passion that makes them feel alive in a relationship. When that intensity diminishes and is replaced by friendship and compromise, they may feel like the marriage is dying, leading to dissatisfaction in monogamous relationships. If more people understood the truth about marriage—what to expect in 5, 10, and 15 years—and were exposed to the honest side of being married to just one person for life, they might invest more in their decision or feel more inclined to fight for their marriage.
The argument is not whether being married for life to just one person is possible—we all know it is. But is it the best way to live? Are people who stay married for life the happiest? There is no doubt that marriage, as we know it, will change drastically over the next 50 years, just as it has in the past 50 years. As people become more desire-driven and less constrained by expectations, “old-fashioned” views, and religious norms that shape their perceptions of marriage, it is likely that marriage for life will become even rarer.
One Response
This is so well written. As a Life, Relationship and Wellness Coach I see the struggle, especially in the younger generation with the concept of “happily ever after”. As a divorced woman I understand the where the disconnect is between loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone. I do look at older couples and think awww, they are so amazing, but what we don’t know is what they sacrificed along the way. What did they give up. Most of the time they have a story which includes wanting to give up on each other at one time or another but for whatever reason they didn’t or couldn’t.
I am on the fence about marriage. I LOVE the concept, but I don’t think its realistic.
Let s put it this way, I don’t want my boys getting married and if they do, they will have prenups. That’s reality.